Sadness has no timeline

So, my mother passed in December 2018.  She has been ill for a long time, and it was expected, we just didn’t know when.  In typical Type A form, I went into auto pilot.  I made sure we had the funeral arrangements finalized, everyone was notified, all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. The visitation went off with out a hitch.  Then came the aftermath. I had to go through mom’s home as well as our farm home and all outbuildings in order to determine what needed to be done as executrix over the estate.  My sister showed up for a while.. Until I told her I would not sell her one of the properties as she had little support system in order to make sure she could take care of it. I offered to give her money so she could by a place closer to town to give her children alternatives to living with their father.  She apparently wasn’t getting what she wanted and is now distant yet again.  No love lost there.  I was trying to be nice but that doesn’t pay and she didn’t care to be a part of our family again without something in it for her so there you are.  I’m too old and too tired to worry about it so she is on her own.

We are now about 6 months from mom’s passing.  I have spent the better part of it flying back and forth, sorting through the hoard, salvaging what I can, cleaning out the homes so they can be sold and/or auctioned.  I feel I have done a good job and before my sister learned I would not be selling her any of them, she was quite helpful and took a lot of things with her including appliances she needed replaced due to the failure of those in her home.  I have no issue with that as you need to have those sorts of things to exist and I want the best for her.

I finally have it cleared and the sale of one of the properties will be final on Monday.  It was a long hard slog but it will be done.  I have flown back and forth over the past two months, working to get things ready for sale.  Of course, as of late, it is on my own, (See above).

CC was all about being there for me when my mom passed.  At the time, all I could register was all of the things I needed to accomplish and the short amount of time I had to dispose of it all.
He was to take off work etc. but we needed someone to tend to our dogs so I told him I would. Be fine.

We are now several months passed this stage.  I was really having a rough time today.  But apparently, empathy is running short when someone has a different time table for grieving than you do.  I know CC loves me. I do not doubt that in the least.  I do feel, however, that our lives are much different than what either of us care to acknowledge.

I have been without my antidepressant for a little over a week.  I will spare you the details of my lack of faith in my mail order pharmacy but suffice it to say, I will be moving my prescriptions.  With all of that being said, I have been making do as much as I can without the benefit of something that takes a lot of the “wind from my sails” when I’m feeling a bit emotional. Regardless, I have. Been having a rough couple of weeks.

I miss my mother.  Plain and simple, there it is.  As much as I can say that “it was expected”, and “she is in a better place” and “she is finally at peace”, I miss her and I am sad that she is gone. I never wanted her to move on, and being without your mother is a void that nothing can fill.

With all of that being said, I think that CC believed I was “over” the loss of my mother.  I believe my sadness was a bit of a start for him and I do not believe he felt empathy toward my situation or somehow blamed my sadness and tears today on an absence of medication.  Regardless, from my personal viewpoint on my day, I feel as if I was being judged on the lack of forward movement on my grief, and that my sadness/grief was somehow misplaced as I should be farther along than apparently I am.  I feel that the semi hug received/physical contact was provided more from a perfunctory standpoint and not because it was felt that I was in need of such. (From my standpoint, I wanted a large, tight, emotionally felt embrace, but that was beyond what was available to me).

So, my thoughts today are:
Am I not entitled to grieve at my own pace? In my defense, I have been dealing with all of the estate and other things that have been occupying my mind, including work, family etc., it has been hard to find time to grieve.
Why am I not entitled to some empathy and compassion? It almost feels as if any physical touch I receive is more robotic than empathy in nature. I am left feeling unloved and misunderstood. (I will never verbalize and that will be seen as attention seeking I’m afraid).. I just want to feel that the person I am spending my life with is here for the better or worse without a statue of limitations on emotion.  I feel like I am rambling but I want to feel like someone has my back and can emotionally support me w/hen I am struggling and not just when I am a very self reliant person.  How do you figure that out?

Airport Pricing

Sitting in the airport awaiting a flight to Louisville.  I've been considering making healthier choices so today in lieu of a Bloody Mary or a Croissant Donut, I chose to have a cup of grapes and a water prior to my flight.  So price breakdown of options:
Bloody Mary - Usually around $10
Croissant donut - A decadent jelly topped creation - $4. Add $3 more for a small plain coffee
Cup of grapes and a bottle of water - Grapes $6.  Water $3.25

The item with the highest calorie count is the least expensive.  If I would have followed my stomach and my wallet, I could have been happier on two counts. :)

Señor Bubbles

Señor Bubbles is the nicest local laundromat in Clearwater Beach. It's is more than a convenient place to wash your clothes, it's a community.

I have been without a w/d since we sold our home. Every Saturday I come to Señor Bubbles. They have convenient hours, well lit, attended etc. as I come week after week on Saturday mornings I see much more than clean clothes. I see families laughing, turning a weekly chore into a type of outing. I see folks with tattered bibles, reading Scripture while waiting for their spin cycles to end. Folks discussing new babies on the way. Homeless folks washing a small duffle bag containing everything they own, conversing with the woman with 5 children. 

This is a community hub, a place for all to gather for a common need for clean laundry but to also participate in their need for community, friendship and connection. It's a beautiful thing. 

Mother's Day Woes

So I booked a flight to spend Mother's day up north with my mom as it is her first Mother's day without her mother.  I spoke with her today.  First her line was busy.  I finally got through and she was tearful.  She said she has been on the phone with her brother.  I asked what was wrong, and she replies that dealing with the aftermath of my grandmother's death has been overwhelming.  It is full of paperwork, bills, taxes, will, etc.  I can see where it is overwhelming.  It is always someone else to notify, something to address...  The funeral which seems as as a closing, is really only the beginning.  This process can last for quite some time.  I wish there was more I can do for her, but all I can do is listen.  Makes it a bit hard when she is repetitive as she has been drinking, but I do.  I finally got her off of the phone and she is looking forward to my visit. I hope this weekend helps.  Its my best hope.

I will be better... I will be better... I will be better....

The best laid plans...  The best intentions...  I'm full of them.  I wanted to blog more often. I was going to make time...  How is it I had more time to do more things in my youth than I do now?  When my son was small, I worked 5 days a week, day shift in the hospital, every other weekend.  I had time to bake cookies, craft, do projects I enjoyed all while taking care of him, the house etc.  Now in my mid 40's, it seems I have no time at all.  I am constantly having to make decisions on how to use any free time I may have.  Something is always getting left out.  Funny how life works like that.

Well, the latest news is I'm going to be a MiMi (Grandma is reserved for my grandmother).  The Son and the Girlfriend will be having a baby boy in July.  I have had time to embrace the idea but I must say I wish they would have waited.  They are so young (and broke).  It makes it hard.  Money will be just one more thing to argue about.  I hope it is the opposite and they become closer because of it but as a "glass half empty" I'm not holding my breath.  I have spent some of my free time making things for the baby.  I made all of the crib accessories.  Sheets, blankets, pillow shams, etc.  Don't let anyone tell you it's cheaper to make things than buy them.  I have spent a small fortune.  But, as the colors are tangerine and dove gray, the options for buying items is a big slim to none.  So, I broke out the sewing machine and dove in.  Funny thing is, I haven't used a sewing machine since my son was a baby so 18-20 years?  One of those things I just haven't had time for.  I donated mine to my ex brother-in-law before one of my many moves years ago because of that.  Two years ago, I asked CC to get me one for Christmas with the idea I was going to make things for the house.  After I received it, I had no inspiration. Go figure.  So, baby on the way was my inspiration finally.  I'm very rusty and I can find all the flaws, but the Girlfriend seems happy with what I have made and that is what counts.

On a sad note, my Grandmother passed in late February.  She lived a long and productive live.  She lived at home until the past year and she only spent 10 months in the nursing home.  she was 90.  My mom was quite distraught as you can imagine.  But, since the funeral I have seen a change in my mother.  She seems to have a weight lifted off of her shoulders.  I think the sadness and grief knowing  your mother is dying was wearing on her.  Now there is a closure, no more waiting for it to happen.  She is still sad but seems to be relieved of the weight.  Her drinking has decreased and she seems healthier than she has in a long time even though she is still declining physically.  On my last visit north, she wore makeup, jewelry, etc.  She looked good.  We went shopping and she was able to do more walking than I have seen her do in recent months.  It was good to see.  I will be traveling north on Friday to spend the weekend with my mother.  As it is Mother's Day, I wanted to be with her.  It will be her first she will spend without her mother.  I do worry about her being so far away.  She refuses to move or even visit me here in Florida.  She is a grown woman and an adult so she can do as she wishes but it would be nice if she visited me.

What a Year....

2014 has been a heck of a year.  So much has gone on that the year has flown by and I feel as if I barely blinked.  I wasn't blogging like I should. I just never seemed to have the time for things I typically like to do.  CC and I were able to go on a couple of trips but otherwise remained busy busy busy.  Doing what, I have no idea.

The Son is doing well.  He is working steadily, going to school and is living with his long time girl friend.  I still financially back him quite a bit but attitudinally, he is doing much better and for that I am truly grateful.

Mom and Grandmother are not doing so well.  My grandmother has been placed in a home and my mother has had several hospitalizations and still keeps beating the odds.  Lots of flights and long driving trips up each time.  My father just had a knee replaced. It's been stressful.

So, with all of that under my belt, I am hopeful for 2015.  I want to make the most of each year.  Seeing my grandmother and mother both ill brings mortality home on a personal level.  I vow to slow down, smell the roses.  Not to worry about things I cannot change and to act upon those I can.  I vow to try to be a better person each day.  Always trying to do better than the day before.  I vow to be there for CC, my Son and family and to love them as long as I'm able.

Family Woes

My grandmother has been ill. Very ill.  I took some time off of work in order to see her while she was in the hospital.  She has decided she will do nothing further other than take oral medications.  She was d/c'd to a home.  She has not been eating, she goes to bed every night stating that she wants to not wake up.  She is tired and I can't say that I blame her for feeling that way.  My mother isn't doing well. She feels exhausted from all of this.  She goes to the hospital/now home daily to see my grandmother.  My mother has COPD and is on O2.  She has called her brother in Chicago who has come down to help out.  I don't know how long all of this can be held together before it breaks.