Sadness has no timeline

So, my mother passed in December 2018.  She has been ill for a long time, and it was expected, we just didn’t know when.  In typical Type A form, I went into auto pilot.  I made sure we had the funeral arrangements finalized, everyone was notified, all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. The visitation went off with out a hitch.  Then came the aftermath. I had to go through mom’s home as well as our farm home and all outbuildings in order to determine what needed to be done as executrix over the estate.  My sister showed up for a while.. Until I told her I would not sell her one of the properties as she had little support system in order to make sure she could take care of it. I offered to give her money so she could by a place closer to town to give her children alternatives to living with their father.  She apparently wasn’t getting what she wanted and is now distant yet again.  No love lost there.  I was trying to be nice but that doesn’t pay and she didn’t care to be a part of our family again without something in it for her so there you are.  I’m too old and too tired to worry about it so she is on her own.

We are now about 6 months from mom’s passing.  I have spent the better part of it flying back and forth, sorting through the hoard, salvaging what I can, cleaning out the homes so they can be sold and/or auctioned.  I feel I have done a good job and before my sister learned I would not be selling her any of them, she was quite helpful and took a lot of things with her including appliances she needed replaced due to the failure of those in her home.  I have no issue with that as you need to have those sorts of things to exist and I want the best for her.

I finally have it cleared and the sale of one of the properties will be final on Monday.  It was a long hard slog but it will be done.  I have flown back and forth over the past two months, working to get things ready for sale.  Of course, as of late, it is on my own, (See above).

CC was all about being there for me when my mom passed.  At the time, all I could register was all of the things I needed to accomplish and the short amount of time I had to dispose of it all.
He was to take off work etc. but we needed someone to tend to our dogs so I told him I would. Be fine.

We are now several months passed this stage.  I was really having a rough time today.  But apparently, empathy is running short when someone has a different time table for grieving than you do.  I know CC loves me. I do not doubt that in the least.  I do feel, however, that our lives are much different than what either of us care to acknowledge.

I have been without my antidepressant for a little over a week.  I will spare you the details of my lack of faith in my mail order pharmacy but suffice it to say, I will be moving my prescriptions.  With all of that being said, I have been making do as much as I can without the benefit of something that takes a lot of the “wind from my sails” when I’m feeling a bit emotional. Regardless, I have. Been having a rough couple of weeks.

I miss my mother.  Plain and simple, there it is.  As much as I can say that “it was expected”, and “she is in a better place” and “she is finally at peace”, I miss her and I am sad that she is gone. I never wanted her to move on, and being without your mother is a void that nothing can fill.

With all of that being said, I think that CC believed I was “over” the loss of my mother.  I believe my sadness was a bit of a start for him and I do not believe he felt empathy toward my situation or somehow blamed my sadness and tears today on an absence of medication.  Regardless, from my personal viewpoint on my day, I feel as if I was being judged on the lack of forward movement on my grief, and that my sadness/grief was somehow misplaced as I should be farther along than apparently I am.  I feel that the semi hug received/physical contact was provided more from a perfunctory standpoint and not because it was felt that I was in need of such. (From my standpoint, I wanted a large, tight, emotionally felt embrace, but that was beyond what was available to me).

So, my thoughts today are:
Am I not entitled to grieve at my own pace? In my defense, I have been dealing with all of the estate and other things that have been occupying my mind, including work, family etc., it has been hard to find time to grieve.
Why am I not entitled to some empathy and compassion? It almost feels as if any physical touch I receive is more robotic than empathy in nature. I am left feeling unloved and misunderstood. (I will never verbalize and that will be seen as attention seeking I’m afraid).. I just want to feel that the person I am spending my life with is here for the better or worse without a statue of limitations on emotion.  I feel like I am rambling but I want to feel like someone has my back and can emotionally support me w/hen I am struggling and not just when I am a very self reliant person.  How do you figure that out?

Airport Pricing

Sitting in the airport awaiting a flight to Louisville.  I've been considering making healthier choices so today in lieu of a Bloody Mary or a Croissant Donut, I chose to have a cup of grapes and a water prior to my flight.  So price breakdown of options:
Bloody Mary - Usually around $10
Croissant donut - A decadent jelly topped creation - $4. Add $3 more for a small plain coffee
Cup of grapes and a bottle of water - Grapes $6.  Water $3.25

The item with the highest calorie count is the least expensive.  If I would have followed my stomach and my wallet, I could have been happier on two counts. :)

Señor Bubbles

Señor Bubbles is the nicest local laundromat in Clearwater Beach. It's is more than a convenient place to wash your clothes, it's a community.

I have been without a w/d since we sold our home. Every Saturday I come to Señor Bubbles. They have convenient hours, well lit, attended etc. as I come week after week on Saturday mornings I see much more than clean clothes. I see families laughing, turning a weekly chore into a type of outing. I see folks with tattered bibles, reading Scripture while waiting for their spin cycles to end. Folks discussing new babies on the way. Homeless folks washing a small duffle bag containing everything they own, conversing with the woman with 5 children. 

This is a community hub, a place for all to gather for a common need for clean laundry but to also participate in their need for community, friendship and connection. It's a beautiful thing. 

Mother's Day Woes

So I booked a flight to spend Mother's day up north with my mom as it is her first Mother's day without her mother.  I spoke with her today.  First her line was busy.  I finally got through and she was tearful.  She said she has been on the phone with her brother.  I asked what was wrong, and she replies that dealing with the aftermath of my grandmother's death has been overwhelming.  It is full of paperwork, bills, taxes, will, etc.  I can see where it is overwhelming.  It is always someone else to notify, something to address...  The funeral which seems as as a closing, is really only the beginning.  This process can last for quite some time.  I wish there was more I can do for her, but all I can do is listen.  Makes it a bit hard when she is repetitive as she has been drinking, but I do.  I finally got her off of the phone and she is looking forward to my visit. I hope this weekend helps.  Its my best hope.

I will be better... I will be better... I will be better....

The best laid plans...  The best intentions...  I'm full of them.  I wanted to blog more often. I was going to make time...  How is it I had more time to do more things in my youth than I do now?  When my son was small, I worked 5 days a week, day shift in the hospital, every other weekend.  I had time to bake cookies, craft, do projects I enjoyed all while taking care of him, the house etc.  Now in my mid 40's, it seems I have no time at all.  I am constantly having to make decisions on how to use any free time I may have.  Something is always getting left out.  Funny how life works like that.

Well, the latest news is I'm going to be a MiMi (Grandma is reserved for my grandmother).  The Son and the Girlfriend will be having a baby boy in July.  I have had time to embrace the idea but I must say I wish they would have waited.  They are so young (and broke).  It makes it hard.  Money will be just one more thing to argue about.  I hope it is the opposite and they become closer because of it but as a "glass half empty" I'm not holding my breath.  I have spent some of my free time making things for the baby.  I made all of the crib accessories.  Sheets, blankets, pillow shams, etc.  Don't let anyone tell you it's cheaper to make things than buy them.  I have spent a small fortune.  But, as the colors are tangerine and dove gray, the options for buying items is a big slim to none.  So, I broke out the sewing machine and dove in.  Funny thing is, I haven't used a sewing machine since my son was a baby so 18-20 years?  One of those things I just haven't had time for.  I donated mine to my ex brother-in-law before one of my many moves years ago because of that.  Two years ago, I asked CC to get me one for Christmas with the idea I was going to make things for the house.  After I received it, I had no inspiration. Go figure.  So, baby on the way was my inspiration finally.  I'm very rusty and I can find all the flaws, but the Girlfriend seems happy with what I have made and that is what counts.

On a sad note, my Grandmother passed in late February.  She lived a long and productive live.  She lived at home until the past year and she only spent 10 months in the nursing home.  she was 90.  My mom was quite distraught as you can imagine.  But, since the funeral I have seen a change in my mother.  She seems to have a weight lifted off of her shoulders.  I think the sadness and grief knowing  your mother is dying was wearing on her.  Now there is a closure, no more waiting for it to happen.  She is still sad but seems to be relieved of the weight.  Her drinking has decreased and she seems healthier than she has in a long time even though she is still declining physically.  On my last visit north, she wore makeup, jewelry, etc.  She looked good.  We went shopping and she was able to do more walking than I have seen her do in recent months.  It was good to see.  I will be traveling north on Friday to spend the weekend with my mother.  As it is Mother's Day, I wanted to be with her.  It will be her first she will spend without her mother.  I do worry about her being so far away.  She refuses to move or even visit me here in Florida.  She is a grown woman and an adult so she can do as she wishes but it would be nice if she visited me.

What a Year....

2014 has been a heck of a year.  So much has gone on that the year has flown by and I feel as if I barely blinked.  I wasn't blogging like I should. I just never seemed to have the time for things I typically like to do.  CC and I were able to go on a couple of trips but otherwise remained busy busy busy.  Doing what, I have no idea.

The Son is doing well.  He is working steadily, going to school and is living with his long time girl friend.  I still financially back him quite a bit but attitudinally, he is doing much better and for that I am truly grateful.

Mom and Grandmother are not doing so well.  My grandmother has been placed in a home and my mother has had several hospitalizations and still keeps beating the odds.  Lots of flights and long driving trips up each time.  My father just had a knee replaced. It's been stressful.

So, with all of that under my belt, I am hopeful for 2015.  I want to make the most of each year.  Seeing my grandmother and mother both ill brings mortality home on a personal level.  I vow to slow down, smell the roses.  Not to worry about things I cannot change and to act upon those I can.  I vow to try to be a better person each day.  Always trying to do better than the day before.  I vow to be there for CC, my Son and family and to love them as long as I'm able.

Family Woes

My grandmother has been ill. Very ill.  I took some time off of work in order to see her while she was in the hospital.  She has decided she will do nothing further other than take oral medications.  She was d/c'd to a home.  She has not been eating, she goes to bed every night stating that she wants to not wake up.  She is tired and I can't say that I blame her for feeling that way.  My mother isn't doing well. She feels exhausted from all of this.  She goes to the hospital/now home daily to see my grandmother.  My mother has COPD and is on O2.  She has called her brother in Chicago who has come down to help out.  I don't know how long all of this can be held together before it breaks.

I've had it

I'm just plumb worn out. I ache all over and have no motivation. I took off the rest of the week hoping to change my attitude. I hope it works otherwise I just lost three vacation days for nothing.

Funerals and Family

My grandfather has passed away.  He was 89 and just died, no major disease and therefore he went the way we all probably want to go when it is our time.  He was a giving wonderful family man with 5 children.  My father is the oldest of the 5 and the baby is one of my best friends as she is only two years older than me.  (Got to love those big Catholic families).

The 4th child, my uncle T (for tightwad), was the POA over his financials.  He has been an absolute ass his entire life and now that his father has died, he has continued in grand form.  Throughout my grandfather's decline, he has monitored the money, complained if the facility was too expensive when he couldn't live at home anymore, etc.  The house and belongings were auctioned.  Of course, Uncle T took the car, gave to his daughter, took everything he wanted.  THEN told the rest of the family, they had to attend the auction and bid on whatever they wanted.  My dad wanted a train set they had in the family since my dad was small.  Grandpa always said, when I die, you can have it.  Uncle T sold it to a stranger without batting an eye.

The days that followed the passing were extremely stressful.  My Aunt wanted to put a line in thanking the home for their care of my grandfather, Uncle T said, "no, it's $8 a line".  My grandfather grew up in Meade County KY.  All of our family is there.  My aunt wanted to put an obit. in the local paper so everyone would know.  Uncle T, "You pay for it if you want to".  This behavior goes on and on and on.

It is the most disgusting display.  He is saving all the money, feels he is due an inheritance.  He is due nothing but no one cares, he will get money and be left in emotional poverty.  I haven't spoken to him in almost 20 years because he isn't much of a human being.  This has sealed the deal.  No one will have anything to do with him…  I will be first in line to disown him from the family.  We do not have that kind of person in our family.  I have no idea how he became that way and have no intention on sticking around to find out.

It's been a while…..

It has really been a while since I have blogged.  I have no one to blame but myself.  CC and I have been busy in the past year remodeling the house and living life that blogging has taken a back seat.  That is no excuse but there you are.

Things with the Son have been better.  Since I have moved, he has really had to be more self-reliant.  Not that I do not subsidize him heavily as he goes through life but the fact he has to figure out how to get his laundry done and feed himself is at least a small step forward.  For anyone who is interested, he is currently employed, lives with a coworker and they share a house owned by said coworker's father.  The coworker is pretty laid back so they get a long pretty well.  He is still on again/off again with the love of his life and that is okay.  She is going away to Vincennes University in the fall.  I have no idea how he is going to get along without her close.

The house is completely remodeled. Our last project is a new roof that will be going on in the next month.

Things are going in a positive direction and it feels pretty good.

Back in the New York groove and back again

(This post was a draft for a long time. Apparently I had issues with blogger I was unaware of.  This trip occurred prior to the holidays).

CC and I are currently in JFK on our way back from another fabulous vacation in NYC.  He definitely indulges me because I know the last place he wants to go for vacation is somewhere cold.  Actually, the weather hasn't been that bad this time around and we definitely got our "sweater weather" fix.  CC has been jonesing for his flip flops for over  a day now.  :)

We arrived on Sunday pretty early in the day, around 10a.m.  We got our luggage, the Air Train, the A train and the R just as we should.  We stayed in Brooklyn this time around.  As it is so close to Christmas, Manhattan is PACKED!  Chad booked us at a hotel called The Union Hotel.  We arrived early, expecting to just have our bags checked into the luggage room until we could check in.  We walked into the lobby/foyer/closet (I have had walk-in closets bigger than this space) and informed the girl and the podium we had reservations.  Her eyes got really big as she said, "eet is too eerly."  CC said we realized and just thought we could put our luggage in the luggage room.  Again she says, "but eet is too eerrly."  She handed us the equivalent of a room key and told us the luggage room was downstairs and we could leave it there and bring the key back.  oooookay.  So we go downstairs, there is a closet with a lock.  we open it and there is luggage for 3-4 other travelers already in there.  There is no one over this area, basically put your luggage in the closet and leave.  I was a bit distressed.  I had a laptop etc. and they let just anyone off the street ask for the key.  We didn't show ID and she didn't take our name or anything.  Oh well...

So, we head back out into the rain and went to a nearby restaurant called Sheep Station.  They were just opening. (We kept forgetting it was Sunday).  They opening early for a party so we were able to get in at 11 and they had brunch.

Brunch is typically the same wherever you go.  This place had the usual and then they had a dish composed of french fries, cheese curds and gravy!!  Oh my!  it was delicious!  After we filled up we decided to jump the train over to Manhattan and go to the Natural History Museum.  Lots of stuffed critters but it was very interesting.

Elephants are very big!!

Not fond of the camera but I got him anyway!

Dum Dum, got gum gum?

This sperm whale was hanging two stories over the room

This museum has been around for a long time.  Many of the exhibits were donated/created in the late 19th / early 20th century.  The building and all of the decor reflects that era.  I would hate to think what it would cost to replace the wood work in this museum.



























Museums are definitely a great place to spend a rainy day.  Especially if you find yourself without boots.


Dinner was spent at Ocean Grill over on Columbus Ave.  We had a really nice butternut squash soup to warm us up.  At that point we decided we best head back over to Brooklyn in order to get checked in and up to our room.

We catch the train without a hitch and get back over to the Union Hotel to check in and get some rest for a big day the following day.  If you clicked on the link above for the hotel, I think you will find the pictures I'm about to show you does not resemble much of what is on the website.  I'll let you be the judge.

View from standing in bathroom entryway

From the entry to the room

The closet is against the foot of the bed

From the picture to the left, the door brushes against the bed when you open it. You must be on the left side if you are wanting to exit or you need to climb over the bed.


Looking at the picture below, it's hard to tell but the heating/cooling unit actually hangs over the bed a bit.  CC kept thumping it in the night.  The room was frigid by anyone's standards and colder than it was outside.  Naturally we had the heat cranked.  That unit was extremely noisy.  I would wake every time it kicked on in the night.                                                                                        

Now, you may ask why say anything, no one spends a lot of time in the room anyway and grant it, we did not.  I suppose the issue is there wasn't any room to turn around.  It was a good thing we had duffle bags.  I had mine against the wall behind the door to the room and CC had his in the bathroom that was probably bigger than the actual room.  the bathroom was the only thing that resembled the pictures on the hotel website.  It had the same everything except our shower wasn't a corner one.  The building itself was only 4 stories tall and we were on the 4th floor.  In order to get warm water to the sink, we had to turn on the shower or we would be an hour trying to get the warm water up to our floor.  We worked around that though and persevered.    The worse thing I suppose was every time we would leave, the cleaning crew turned our thermostat back down.  We would leave it up and keep the bathroom door open to try to heat it and they would come in and drop it back down.

My only stipulation with the hotel was that there wasn't any bugs and I didn't see a one so for that I am thankful.  The hotel did have free wifi which was nice and we were also provided with a free breakfast daily.  That was a definite bonus.  Again, I don't know where the pictures came from on the hotel website, but they sent us down two blocks to a diner called The Station.  It was owned by a very nice Greek family.  Very hospitable, took the time to talk to you and make you feel welcome.  The breakfast was delicious and was an wonderful start to a busy day seeing the sights.

So much to choose from!

After our wonderful breakfast Monday we  took a train over to the TKTS booth to stand in line to get tickets to a show.  We got tickets to Avenue Q.  It is a musical by the creators of SouthPark.  It's characters are people and puppets.  After we got tickets, we headed down to DUMBO (Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass).  This is a developing "hip and chic" neighborhood.  Granted, it was another rainy foggy day but on a clear day you can have fantastic views of the city.  We walked down to the river, checked out Jane's Carousel in Brooklyn Bridge Park.  We also took some pictures of the bridge and the area.  We


found Jacques Torres Chocolate in DUMBO.  It smelled amazing just walking through the door.  Of course we had to sample the goods!  Fabulous hot chocolate on a cold, wet day.  Couldn't beat it!

Tuesday we really did a lot of walking around and seeing the sights.  We Lunch was at an Irish restaurant and we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  We were able to see the Andy Warhol exhibit before they closed.  Afterwards we went to dinner at a restaurant close by on Fifth Ave.  For the life of me I cannot remember the name.  :(

The following day we returned to the museum to see what we could of the rest of it.  We still needed another full day.  There was so much to see!!  Definitely a great place to go when you are in town.  We will definitely return.

It was sad to have to return home. We always have such a great time when we are on vacation.  Yet another successful trip to the Big Apple.  CC says next time we are definitely going somewhere warm.  I can't wait!

There Really is No Excuse

I have been pretty negligent as of late regarding my blog.  I need to at least blog weekly but I just haven't been making time for it.  I have no excuse. It isn't like I don't have time while watching television, etc.  I just haven't been.  I guess it's a good thing.  It seems most of the time I feel the urge to blog when I'm upset and that just hasn't been the case as of late.  There has been a lot going on and I'll do my best to catch you up.

My birthday went really well. CC bought art this year.  I now have a Blue Dog by George Rodrigue hanging in my office.  It is a signed limited edition silk screen print.  He is very popular. Many of his originals go for six figures so I feel very lucky to get this one.  It's awesome!!  I've been wanting one for a while and so happy I've now got it.

Tie Me Up

CC has changed jobs in the hospital. He now has a position working 12 hour shifts, three days a week. No call, no holidays.  I think he is bored senseless but at least he doesn't have near the frustrations he did with the previous position.  Working late on those three days also allows me to work late on those days which works out all the way around.

We got another puppy mid October.  He is a full blooded blue heeler (Australian Cattle Dog) and is about 9-10 months old.  We were able to rescue him from the shelter.  He had a brother but I could not see having two puppies at one time since I'm the one home all the time.  He is a doll and we have named him Deacon.

Favorite spot to relax!

First Day Home

He is all boy and a bit goofy but is much better behaved than I would have expected for a pup of that age that has been wandering as a stray.  We are doing pretty good on the training front. He is all about walks now.  We take a couple a day and he gets as excited as Maddie when I tell them it's time.

Halloween we had a lot of kids come to visit.  I ran out of candy.  CC said we didn't have that many last year so I didn't buy a lot of candy.  I know better for next year.  It's fun when you have a lot of the kids coming around.  Maybe by next year I will have decorations again and will be able to celebrate in style!  It IS my favorite holiday after all.

Before you knew it it was time for the Presidential election.  Thank goodness we all have the ability to mail in our votes ahead of time in Florida.  Our ballots are ridiculously long and pointless.  We deserve the ridicule the rest of the country gives us.

I flew back north on election day. I had a meeting at work the following day and was able to visit the folks and the Son for a bit. It was nice and actually uneventful.  I am NOT going to question it but accept it as it is.  It's probably best.  I didn't get to stay but two nights and was back home again. It was nice to be able to wear sweaters and jackets but it is really good to be home.

Last weekend we went to see Tampa and San Diego play football. It was Veterans Day and was a really good game. It was nice that Tampa won.  My fantasy team bombed but I'm trying to forget about that.  LOL.  We had great seats on the 50 yard line.

Great Seats!!!

We had an awesome time.  I wish we had season tickets but we can't seem to get any we really want to shell out the money for.  I love going to the games but I love to see also.  I gave a rep our contact information while we were at the game. I hope she can find something for us.

I can't believe it is almost Thanksgiving.  My folks will come in from Orlando and I think the Son and his GF will be coming down possibly.  I have the menu planned so it's all coming together.  CC and I will be spending black Friday tearing apart our family room.  The renovation begins.  Between the paneling and the popcorn ceiling, upside down mantle (don't ask), this room really needs some help.  We are hoping to get the demo finished over the long weekend.  I will need to keep everyone posted.

December we go back to NYC and then I will spend a few days up north. I will get my cold fix for the year for sure.  I still do not miss shoveling snow!!!!!  :)

There is No Escape

About a week ago I was a bit fed up with work, feeling a bit burned out and I decided I needed a vacation.  CC was on call over the weekend so I flew up to Kentucky for a few days.

Traveling for me is always an adventure. Between several flight delays and a flight cancellation I arrived in Louisville 4 hours later than was originally planned.  The Son picked me up Thursday at the airport and we went to dinner and a bit of shopping.  I stayed at our place in the country while there.  It is a peaceful place of never ending chores.

Friday I was able to procure a 20 yd dumpster and had it delivered. The Son and I spent all of Friday and Saturday filling the dumpster with items from one of our many outbuildings.  My sister filled the better portion of the extremely large building with the contents from her failed photography/camera store. Not only inventory, but all of the glass display cabinets, film processing machines, kitchen cabinets she had bought with her husband for their kitchen etc.  It has been in the building for at least 6 years.  It was time.  Bless the Son's heart, he helped me a lot. It was a nice weekend for us.  My mother wanted to save the glass cabinets (in case she opens a store??).  I left them for her because she wants them but really what a waste of space.

The dumpster is full but we could've used another to properly clean it out. At least now we can see the floor.

And the Saga continues...

I know I haven't talked about the Son in a while. Truth is, there wasn't much to say while he wasn't speaking to me.  A lot has happened since then.

Right before the Son was to leave for college, he was pulled over and charged with underage consumption. The cop called me because they could not reach his dad.  The officer just wanted someone to come and get him so they did not have to arrest him.  I was able to reach his Dad and had him pick him up.

His father would not help him get his car out of impound so the money he had saved was spent on that and then calls me for gas money.  I couldn't turn him down. He has to get to work.

So he moves out of the apt. and is off to college.  It lasted a day before I received a phone call talking about how much he hated it. He hated his roommates, the classes, the apt. EVERYTHING. All he wanted to do was come back home.  He was upset and drove like a mad man talking on the phone to me. Scared me to death. Car ended up on the side of the road. One of his friends helped him out and he did go to classes the next day.  He called me from school, saying he wants to quit and move back.  School lasted a total of 4 days. Three really when you look at it.  I was able to get off rather light on the bills for that for what I can tell.  There wasn't that much on the loan yet and I just lost all of the deposit money etc. on the apt.  He had to have some money to get his car and stuff home but he did. Of course he is mad, saying I have left him homeless.  I did point out he had a perfectly good apartment at college and he didn't stay. The fact he has no place to live is not mine.  So, was mad and there you go.  This was during the first full week in August.

So, he is couch diving.  The way I see it, there were several kids that practically lived at our house during high school. I fed them, laundry etc.  Their parents OWE ME.  At any rate, his car is falling apart, he sleeps in his car some when it's too late to go to some one's home etc.  I have been helping him some with money, as I can.

His birthday was the 31st of August.  I helped him get a new vehicle with my Mom for his 18th birthday.  The insurance is going to be expensive but it is what it is.

His dad apparently didn't do much of anything.  He just called me and said he told him dad work was slow and asked him for some money and his dad shut him down, saying he would've stayed in school.  I can understand his dad being angry but he wasn't paying for it.  Also, if the Son doesn't want to go to school, well, it happens.  The Dad didn't go to school either and yes, has not a lot to his name so his son followed in his footsteps.  How does he have the right to be mad?  He never wanted him to be like me anyway.

The Dad always complained how he had no impact in his upbringing etc. Of course, he wouldn't drive over to see him and alienated him every chance he got. No wonder!  I think that even thought the Son sidled up to the Dad in June, he realizes, I'm not such the monster he always thought I was before. He is trying to get it together and for that I am thankful.

He called out of the blue right before his birthday telling me he wanted to go back on his medication. He said he stopped smoking pot and wanted to go back on his anti-depressants.  I called the pharmacy and so now he is on his medication.  That makes me very happy.  He seems to think much clearer when he is on his medication.  For him, his life is rough.  It is much rougher than anything he had ever experienced before anyway.  A certain amount of that is good for him and the fact he has no place to live is no ones fault but his own.  He refuses to live with his dad, he will not live at our farm or with my mother etc.  He has places to go but doesn't want to go to them.  That I cannot help. That is his choice and he has to live with that.  I do suspect it isn't as bad as he makes it out to be but I am 900 miles away and can't see for myself.

I will be trying to go up north this fall and will also try to get him to come down for a visit during the holidays if I can. I miss him, regardless of our past. He is my Son, my biggest weakness.

A Tribute

Daisy is CC's golden retriever. He has had her since she was a puppy and has been with him through a lot of trials and tribulations.  She is funny and acts just like a teenager.  She is oblivious to criticism and does things all in her own time.  It provides us with a lot of smiles.

Just look at this face!

Daisy was diagnosed last week with cancer of the spleen, hemangiosarcoma.  She hasn't eaten properly and had stopped eating all together.  We took her in, she was diagnosed, and we have spent the weekend hoping the medicine and diet changes would help improve her state.  It hasn't.  CC has been torn all weekend, this has been very unexpected and a devastating blow.  She has been lying around, doing very little and is not herself. It is sad to watch.  She typically is so playful.  She never met a toy that didn't need to have its stuffing spread all over the floor, a squeaky toy that needed to be permanently silenced.  We have been trying everything. Trying to improve her quality of life for the time she has left.  She doesn't even tear the toys up anymore.  It is so disheartening.

I have ALL the toys!

She is a very special dog.  When CC and I first got together, I wasn't really sure about being a dog owner.  I mean, I had a dog, but a Pomeranian but two bigger dogs are very different.  The Pom did not sleep with me and really was too small to make a mess.  CC's dogs slept with him and I wasn't fond of that but I decided to give it a chance.  CC's girls sold me.  They have always slept with us.  We bought a king size bed that sat really close to the ground for the dogs.  We wanted space for us but also wanted the dogs to have room and be able to get in and out as they age. We really didn't anticipate the need so soon.

Daisy and I lazing about

We are taking Daisy to the vet tomorrow.  I don't believe she will be coming home with us. It has been a difficult weekend and we don't want her to suffer. The weekend has been filled with many tears and thoughts and memories of beloved Daisy.

I am really glad I had the painting made of the girls last year.  We now have it framed and hanging in our guest room.  It turned out wonderful and now that it's framed it looks even better.

It's been hard watching her decline and equally as hard to watch CC worrying, watching and struggling to cope with something that was practically sprung upon him.  He has had no time to prepare, I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away from him and from Daisy but I can't. All I can do is be here and be supportive.  I hope that it's enough.

How Long Can Hate Last?

It has been since the first of June since I have spoken, truly spoken to the Son. He still refuses to speak to me as I will not apologize for "fucking him over".  I really don't see defending myself and telling the truth as such but there you are.  I miss him desperately.  I want nothing for the best for him.  He has texted twice for money which I gave him and that may have been wrong but I did.

I spoke to his recruiter who has kept in touch with him and the Son did attend orientation and according to the recruiter, is planning on moving to the dormitory/apartment at the end of the month.  He spoke with the Son earlier on the day I called so that is some good news.  I texted the Son about what day he was planning on moving and he said he didn't know. I told him I wanted to send  him some money for sheets, etc. and to tell him about the items in storage for his move but he didn't text back. I hate this and I am hoping eventually he grows up but what if he doesn't? What if this is never straightened out?  I don't like not  speaking with the Son or what is going on in his life.  Although "ignorance is bliss" or at least that is what they say, it drives me a bit nuts.  Don't get me wrong, I would not have changed my decision to move and be with CC over any of this but I wish somehow the Son would have been mature enough to understand.  All he says he feels is abandoned and betrayed. Although this is manipulative, it does hurt regardless of what common sense tells me.

From what I understand, the Dad didn't help him get his car out of impound, he still hasn't paid any child support since March (I have started proceedings about that) and basically, doesn't do anything much for him. But the Son will talk with him. Somehow, there are some flaws in his logic.  Not about money but I have always been the one there for him time after time but yet he will still talk with the Dad and not me.  For some reason, one strike and I'm out.  Nothing that happens with him ever seems to make sense at least as far as I can tell.

I know I can't fix him and can't live his life and I definitely can't MAKE him see reason.  It doesn't mean I have to like it though.  It makes me so sad...

Independence Day

Well, I have been here in my FL home for three weeks.  Although I miss the Son desperately, my life has taken on a calm it hasn't had in a long time.  The stress level seems to have dropped.  (I hope that means my hair will quit falling out).  CC and I are really two peas in a pod. I don't think things with us could be much better.  We have this fit that is hard to explain but it's good.

We have been busy over the past week.  We refinished the 3rd bedroom. Changed hardware, painted doors, etc. It totally finished but it looks soooooo much better than it did before.  No popcorn on the ceiling, a nice paint, furniture, etc.  We are very happy with they way it turned out.

We went to the Dunedin Brewery on Sunday last.  It was a really neat place. They say they are the oldest craft brewery in the state.  (Old is 16 years... really?) They did have some very delicious beverages on tap. I had a refreshing Apricot Peach Ale.  It was a great combination and went down well. Awesome for a hot day.

Wednesday was Independence Day.  What does that mean?  Bacon explosion!  Yep, we made our bacon explosion, smoked on the grill.  YUM! YUM!  Later that evening we took off for Dunedin to catch the fireworks at the ballpark where the Blue Jays spring train.  They were nice, it wasn't overly crowded and we were home in 10 minutes.  You really just can't beat that.  Thursday I worked. We had so many people out I just couldn't

Waiting for the fireworks!

  take off.  I did manage to take off work today though.  We had a great day!  We slept in and then gathered up some towels, jumped in the car and took the girls to the dog beach.  DeSoto park in St. Petersburg has a dog beach where the dogs can run off leash and play in the water. The park is beautiful. The views in and out were tremendous. It was a wonderful trip.  The dogs had never been and we thought they would like the treat.  Daisy seemed to really enjoy herself.  Maddie, well she was okay with it while she was chasing other dogs but after that she seemed to be nervous. I think all of the water and activity really seemed to get to her.  We ended up not staying very long but we did have a great time.  We came home in time for lunch and a swim.  Napping while floating in the

On the drive into the park

Maddie finally went swimming!

Everybody's happy!!

On the way back across to St. Pete

pool is something to not underestimate.  It was extremely relaxing.  We barbecued some chicken for dinner and wrapped up our evening with a movie.  Fantastic day and now here comes the weekend!

It's the End of the World as We Know It

I don't really know about the end of the world, but a piece of me is really hurting. I have still not spoken to my son since the incident at the house.  I have sent text messages but have not received a response. I have called w/o answer.

I received a phone call early Sunday morning around 2am. It was a police officer stating the Son was pulled over and has had some alcohol. He was not drunk but it was underage consumption. He was looking for someone to come and get him so he would not have to take the Son to juvenile detention.  The officer stated the Son told him I was in Florida but the Dad and the Gigi did not answer their phones and he would need a call back with what relative could come and get him, otherwise he would be forced to take him in.

I began to scramble.  I "blew up" the Dad's phone.  Just called and called and called. Every time it went to VM I just hung up and called some more. I finally got through to Gigi (the Grandmother), who like me began calling the Dad.  I finally got through to the Dad and told him what was going on, gave him the number to call for information etc.  That was the last that I heard.

I had sent the Son a text, asking him to call me when he could, that I was able to get in touch with his Dad.  No word.  I tried calling a few times on Sunday, the phone went straight to VM.  Roger, a friend of ours that always helped the Son with his cars sent a text Sunday afternoon asking if I could call him as he was wanting some tools of his back that the Son had borrowed.  Namely, one of those scanner things with all the chips to do the electrical system of cars.  Now I know darn good and well those things are very very expensive.  I told Roger I had not spoken to him and he doesn't answer my texts.  He says that he stopped at the Son's employer to talk to him but that they changed his hours to 10a-6p because the Son couldn't seem to get to work on time. They also said that he has not been himself in quite a while.  Always saying that he is broke and asking if people want to buy some tools.

All of this makes me feel quite ill.  I have given him money for his portion of rent and utilities.  He is currently working full time and I give him an extra $150 with the rent, plus he just graduated from school and I sent $100 not to mention whatever else family and friends gave him for graduation.  I can't understand where all of this is going.  Does he not have enough sense to keep ANYTHING back for gas, etc.?  Is he selling other people's possessions?  Is he spending it all on alcohol and drugs? I have no idea and don't know what to think anymore.  I lost control over him a long time ago and he had zero respect for me then and even less now.  He quit taking his medication. The pharmacy called and stated it had not been picked up even though I sent him three messages it was ready and to use his insurance card and it would not cost him anything.  I just had the store restock it.

I don't even know if he went to the orientation at school.  I guess I really need to call and find out.  He needs to go. I don't know what he thinks he will do without an education regardless of how he feels about me.  I love him more than anything but I can't apologize for something that is not my fault nor I provoked which is what he wants.  How would that do any good?

I am so worried about him and I don't know what to do.  The Dad seems to believe everything that comes from the Son's mouth and is still hacked off about the incident at the house, that someone needs to "pay" for what was done to the Son.  What he doesn't do, however, is try to actually be a parent.  He  seemed all inconvenienced that I called in the middle of the night for him to go and get the Son 25 miles from his home. I get those calls and I do it, no questions asked.  I still can't figure out how I am such the villain in all of this.

Times change no matter how much we don't want them to. My Son was the best thing that ever happened to me so long ago. I never imagined all of this.  How can this happen when all you ever do is love them?  It's almost as if someone has died.  I grieve over all of this but I don't know what else to do.  He has to learn that everyone else doesn't have the world revolving around him as I did.  I only hope that he does and doesn't go through life continuing to make such poor choices.  I talked myself blue in the face over the past several months.  All I can do now is pray.

KitKat Has Left the Building...

Not really, I have left Indiana though.  I finally was able to pack up the last of my belongings and catch a flight out a week ago.  This is my second week of working out of my house in Clearwater performing the same job I have been doing for 7 years in an office.  Not much different from what I can tell.  I just can't spend as much time chit chatting.  No one but the dogs to chat with at the house.  CC was home quite a bit the first week and it was nice.  I'm sure this will work out fine.  As soon as I got off the plane we went to Ikea and bought my new office stuff.  Desk, file drawer, chair, etc.  We also got a new king size bed so we can finally get some sleep as the dogs take up a lot of room.  They were able to deliver it on Tuesday and it is all coming together nicely.

We have been working on one of the spare bedrooms, that is where the queen size bed will now be residing.  We have taken down the popcorn ceiling, painted, new lighting, painted trim and closet doors, etc.  It will be such an improvement over its previous appearance.  It's nice to have yet another room off of our list.  I guess the next thing will be to get the two sets of french doors installed on the entrances to the living room. (office and study).  We didn't need a formal living room and we definitely would need an extra bedroom more so I reside in the living room.  There is a lot of space for all of my stuff and the lighting is good.

Tropical storm Debby raised her PMS head over the weekend.  I think we got about 8 inches of rain.  The pool overflowed.  We had to drain some of it out yesterday.  Our electricity went out Sunday night. We didn't get it back until late Monday afternoon.  Overall though, it wasn't that bad.

I really haven't heard anything from the Son.  I send text messages that are informative but are never returned.  My heart breaks over the whole thing.  He thinks he is owed an apology for the entire incident with the final move and I just will not apologize to him for him putting his hands on me.  There is absolutely no excuse for that.  So, we are a crossroads.  I still do not know if he went to his college orientation. I hope he did.  He needs an education and I am more than willing to provide that to him if he is smart enough to take advantage of it.

I am very happy to finally be here, in my home after all of this time.  We bought the house a little over a year ago and it has been a long road in getting here.  It's a good thing!

Mixed Emotions and Thoughts

It has been an eventful 6 weeks or so since my last post.  I have rented my home in Indiana and my work is allowing my relocation to our home in Clearwater.  That is the good news.  But, my last post may have been a bit premature.

The Son is NOT happy about renting the house.  We had to be out by June 1 and he was extremely angry I "rented it without consulting him". He felt betrayed as I always talked to him about such things.  The house was for sale so I didn't equate it to anything different.  He wanted him and his buddies to rent.  HELL NO!  I told him there is no way that would happen.  He can't keep his room clean and stop punching walls.  That house would be worthless in months.  He blew up, etc.  Screaming.  Two more holes in walls and me on the ground.

He moved out, a week or so before the end of school.  He wouldn't let me find a place for him to live.  He is in an apt. with his friend and I pay for the cost so he can get used to being on his own for the 8 weeks until he goes to college in August.

I moved everything out of the house.  The Son is being a disrespectful jerk.  He didn't help move anything other than what he took to that apt.  I had Roger, a friend of mine and a car mentor to Morgan help as Roger had a car and multiple other things in the garages as well.  May 31 we finished the move.  I was helping the new tenants move some things in (they are friends).  The brother of the tenants and I were unloading a truck when the Son showed up.  Tangent time...  Roger said he had s/w the Son and told him off. Basically he came over to jump at me because he got made to feel bad.  Transference.  Kid gets in trouble and comes home to kick the dog.  I'm jut the dog.  He began screaming at me as the car of Roger's was still in the driveway (he was trying to get it towed out).  The Son is upset as it may begin to hail and it would be on the car.  Then he is screaming at the brother of the tenant to go in the house, none of his business.  I was trying to keep the Son out of the house.  He punched dents into the truck I had borrowed from my mother, kicked planters next to the garage shattering them.  He took a fuse out of the truck to disable and got in his car and screamed out of the drive...  He came back.  He continued.  I called the police and told him his behavior was unacceptable and he said fine he would wait for them. Then I informed him he would need to contact his dad to get him out as I was not going to.  He did.

While we were waiting, more yelling and screaming broke out.  I told him he was being a jerk and no wonder he had so many issues with his GF.  Then he lost it.  Had grabbed my arms and had me on the ground.  The brother of the tenant came outside and got him off of me and they rolled and the Son pinned him (the Son was a wrestler).  I finally got the Son to get off of him and then the cops showed up.

They took pics of my wrist where I was grabbed, (two veins had blown) and they took the Son to juvie.     Friday I received a call from the local hospital. Apparently the Son was complaining of some pain and I gave consent to treat and insurance information. Then I received a call from probation.  As the Son and I do not live together, they were going to shelve his time. I consented to allowing his father to pick him up.  They were going to release on Monday but I asked for late Saturday as the Son's graduation was on Sunday.  They consented.

The Son would not speak to me the date of graduation.  I was hassled earlier in the day by his father wanting the name of the tenant's brother as he said, "the Son's face and neck are fucked up and someone needs to answer for that".  His father also said, "the brother 'attacked a 17 year old boy.....'".
Really?  Number one, there would have been no need for any other involvement if the Son didn't attack me.  And since when is 8 weeks or so shy of 18 a "boy"?  The Son is full grown and the brother was doing the right thing.  I never did get an answer from the dad when I asked if the "right" thing to do was to watch me potentially be harmed even further.  After the display on the vehicle and the rage he was displaying, I was lucky to have the brother there.

The Son is still really crappy to me the time or two I have seen him.  Like I owe him an apology.  I have given that child everything and this is what I get and how I'm treated.

I am still going to put him through school.  He needs an education if he is to support himself.  I'll be able to sleep at night knowing I have done my best to raise him.

The good news is I leave for Florida for good on Sunday 17th.  I took my car down a few weeks ago and flew back and am using my mom's truck until I leave.  Work is going to be absolutely crazy next week but it will end on a great note.

I hope the Son seeks help.  I have tried for years to no avail.  He will be 18 at the end of August and then he goes to big boy jail if he cannot control himself.

Topic Change
Okay, that was a downer, moving on...
So, in preparation for my departure, I have been trying to wrap things up.  I have gotten the Son his own car insurance policy because I cannot carry him if we are not in the same household.  I made a MD appointment and got new prescriptions, blood work, etc. so I will have everything in order and can take my time finding a new physician.  I have a dental appointment on Monday for a cleaning which will get my by 6 months until I can find a new dentist.  I went for a color and cut yesterday so I can go another 8 weeks before worrying about finding a hairdresser.  I tried something new.  I colored my hair a bit closer to the roots.  Tangent time...  When I was about 30, my hair color began to change.  I always loved my auburn hair but it began growing out this disgusting dull ashy brown.  I HATE IT!!  If my hair was still the right color I could live with the grays I have but this brown is disgusting.  I was blonde for several years as no one could get it the right shade of red.  I found someone who came close and have been doing the red for a few years.  With the prospect of having to find someone new, I thought if I went to a rich brown with some warmth, I could have enough time to find the right person to do my hair. So, that is what I went with.  It's early morning and I look horrible but here it is:

I like it but I like red better.  I don't know if I can leave it this way but we will see.  I don't think CC will like it as much as he does red.  I told him he will just get to feel like he is getting some "strange" when I come home on Sunday.  LOL!  Seriously though, I am considering telling my hairdresser she will just need to fly to Florida every couple of months.  It has been a real bummer thinking of finding new doctors, etc.  The doctor I have here is great. Their office is so efficient and she doesn't rush you and is very caring.  I have been going to the same dentist office for about 16 years.  they are on the other side of Louisville but as you only HAVE to go every six months, I just make the drive because they are so great.  I just explained earlier about the hair so it's been kinda a sad prospect of finding great people all over.  Heck, the local gas station makes sure there is a fresh pot of dark bold coffee waiting for me when I arrive in the mornings. I have known those people forever too.

Don't get me wrong, I cannot WAIT to be with CC and begin our lives together in Clearwater.  I just never realized how even the small things like morning coffee can mean so much and be such a change. Change is good and I definitely need it.  It's scary and exciting all at the same time. Peppered with the sadness you feel about the wonderful people you leave behind.  My move to Indiana was due to cost of housing and good schools but somewhere along the line it became my home too, just like Louisville and it has taken me leaving to realize it.

I guess I should wrap this up.  Stay tuned for the new adventures of KitKat and CC!!