So, my mother passed in December 2018. She has been ill for a long time, and it was expected, we just didn’t know when. In typical Type A form, I went into auto pilot. I made sure we had the funeral arrangements finalized, everyone was notified, all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. The visitation went off with out a hitch. Then came the aftermath. I had to go through mom’s home as well as our farm home and all outbuildings in order to determine what needed to be done as executrix over the estate. My sister showed up for a while.. Until I told her I would not sell her one of the properties as she had little support system in order to make sure she could take care of it. I offered to give her money so she could by a place closer to town to give her children alternatives to living with their father. She apparently wasn’t getting what she wanted and is now distant yet again. No love lost there. I was trying to be nice but that doesn’t pay and she didn’t care to be a part of our family again without something in it for her so there you are. I’m too old and too tired to worry about it so she is on her own.
We are now about 6 months from mom’s passing. I have spent the better part of it flying back and forth, sorting through the hoard, salvaging what I can, cleaning out the homes so they can be sold and/or auctioned. I feel I have done a good job and before my sister learned I would not be selling her any of them, she was quite helpful and took a lot of things with her including appliances she needed replaced due to the failure of those in her home. I have no issue with that as you need to have those sorts of things to exist and I want the best for her.
I finally have it cleared and the sale of one of the properties will be final on Monday. It was a long hard slog but it will be done. I have flown back and forth over the past two months, working to get things ready for sale. Of course, as of late, it is on my own, (See above).
CC was all about being there for me when my mom passed. At the time, all I could register was all of the things I needed to accomplish and the short amount of time I had to dispose of it all.
He was to take off work etc. but we needed someone to tend to our dogs so I told him I would. Be fine.
We are now several months passed this stage. I was really having a rough time today. But apparently, empathy is running short when someone has a different time table for grieving than you do. I know CC loves me. I do not doubt that in the least. I do feel, however, that our lives are much different than what either of us care to acknowledge.
I have been without my antidepressant for a little over a week. I will spare you the details of my lack of faith in my mail order pharmacy but suffice it to say, I will be moving my prescriptions. With all of that being said, I have been making do as much as I can without the benefit of something that takes a lot of the “wind from my sails” when I’m feeling a bit emotional. Regardless, I have. Been having a rough couple of weeks.
I miss my mother. Plain and simple, there it is. As much as I can say that “it was expected”, and “she is in a better place” and “she is finally at peace”, I miss her and I am sad that she is gone. I never wanted her to move on, and being without your mother is a void that nothing can fill.
With all of that being said, I think that CC believed I was “over” the loss of my mother. I believe my sadness was a bit of a start for him and I do not believe he felt empathy toward my situation or somehow blamed my sadness and tears today on an absence of medication. Regardless, from my personal viewpoint on my day, I feel as if I was being judged on the lack of forward movement on my grief, and that my sadness/grief was somehow misplaced as I should be farther along than apparently I am. I feel that the semi hug received/physical contact was provided more from a perfunctory standpoint and not because it was felt that I was in need of such. (From my standpoint, I wanted a large, tight, emotionally felt embrace, but that was beyond what was available to me).
So, my thoughts today are:
Am I not entitled to grieve at my own pace? In my defense, I have been dealing with all of the estate and other things that have been occupying my mind, including work, family etc., it has been hard to find time to grieve.
Why am I not entitled to some empathy and compassion? It almost feels as if any physical touch I receive is more robotic than empathy in nature. I am left feeling unloved and misunderstood. (I will never verbalize and that will be seen as attention seeking I’m afraid).. I just want to feel that the person I am spending my life with is here for the better or worse without a statue of limitations on emotion. I feel like I am rambling but I want to feel like someone has my back and can emotionally support me w/hen I am struggling and not just when I am a very self reliant person. How do you figure that out?
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