Christmas came as it always does - whether you are ready for it or not. This year I was a bit thrown off by all of the November activity with mom and so with a couple of exceptions, all of my shopping was done online. I guess I should consider myself lucky my identity hasn't been stolen, etc. (at least not that I know of). Everything I ordered came on time as promised and I couldn't be happier with the experience. It really helped me to keep the Christmas spirit not having to be cursed at by some little old lady in her Lincoln who wanted the parking space I just parked in.
Thursday (12/23), was CC's day off. I took the day off as well so we could have some together time. We got up and got ourselves together and went to run errands. One of the errands we ran was out to the Infiniti dealer to look at cars. The Infiniti dealer also owns several other dealerships and they are all on the same acreage. Approx. 10. We ended up at the BMW dealer. I found a car I loved but I can't see me making that kind of payment AND paying insurance on a 16 year old boy.
Friday was my holiday as Christmas was on Saturday. CC had to work but was able to get off early. We all opened presents on Friday when he came home. All I can say is WOW! I have never received so many gifts for Christmas. He really went overboard. I hope he knows how much I liked all of my gifts and how much I love him and his thoughtfulness. I received a blue topaz ring with matching earrings, a Kindle, a cover for the Kindle, a new blender (mine died), a large glass measuring cup/mixing bowl (don't laugh, I asked for that), a new robe from VS, and a hockey jersey. Somehow I feel like I am missing something but I have been forgetting things all week so I guess that is par for the course. The best gift of all is that he is here with me. He really did sacrifice a lot to be here and I love him so much for that. He is what I need and always has been even when I didn't know. Bonus! He made our Christmas dinner, lasagna!!
Saturday (Christmas) started off a quiet one. Son went with his father to a Christmas gathering and CC and I stayed home, watching the Stooges (one of his gifts) and reading our books. We got up after a time and finished up the dining room. All the paint touched up, everything put away. It turned out really well. CC had found a BMW on Carmax for me and I sent them an e-mail about it. Later on that evening, the Son came home and wanted to be taken to a friend's house. I agreed, but as usual, he wanted to do the driving. Of course, in my usual fashion, I told him to slow down. Then some jerk in a truck came barrelling down the two lane road, blowing past us. His temper flaired and again, I told him there was no use trying to keep up, let him be the one to get a ticket. Apparently I frustrate the hell out of him and he started to drive crazy. I told him to slow down, he wouldn't listen, then I told him to pull over and he wouldn't. I hit his arm closest to me trying to get him to comply. I finally used the "you will have to go live with your father" card. He slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car and started to walk. I asked him if he wanted his phone, he took it and he would not get in the car so I left to come home. (He had about two miles to his destination). He called when I was almost home, in tears, stating to come get him. I turned around, and came up on him. THEN he tells me he doesn't need me, someone who CARES about him is picking him up. AND that he would rather live in a box on the side of the road than live with me. I'm ridiculous, I always yell at him and make life hell, etc. He was going to come to the house and get his stuff and move out. ooooookkkk. So, I came home and let his friend come and get him.
Sunday morning bright and early I get a text. Basically, he is sorry but apparently I MAKE him do things. (See somehow everything is always my fault). Blah blah blah. This goes on for several texts. He stays away from the house because all I ever do is bitch. Clean the basement, do this do that. (Hmmmmm. If he would do the things I ask, there would be no "bitching"). AND the basement would not get dirty if he could have his garage back. I took it away because I found him, two friends, a bong and a half fifth of Evan Williams in the garage one evening. At any rate, what it boils down to is this. He takes absolutely no responsibility for his own behavior. It is always someone's fault. They made him do this, do that, etc. Whatever. Life is going to be very unfair to him with that kind of attitude. He is definitely growing up to be his father. I guess he will need to live with him when CC and I move so he can learn how to survive AND be a bum. How sad is that?
CarMax called me back and is having the BMW brought to Louisville from Knoxville and are suppose to call me when it's here. I can't wait.
Monday was back to work although it was really relaxed as so many people are out for the holidays this week. I called my insurance agent to get a ball park on the insurance for the new car and also to find out what to expect in March once Son gets his license. Son is going to cost me $2125 give or take on the Mazda. I have to have full coverage as the car is so new, it only makes sense. The BMW, is really no change once I changed deductible rates because of Son's premium. Children - the gift that keeps on giving......
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Mental States
"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell"....
This sentence pretty well describes where I am at as of late. I have let my anxiety run amok and it is causing havoc. I have issues. I know, we all do right? Where would we be if everything ran smoothly? We would be a bunch of bored individuals, not able to realize when things are good. But I actually do. In an effort to provide full disclosure, my issues are 1 - Major Depressive disorder, recurrent and 2 - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I know this because I have had a psychiatrist tell me so in the past. Please don't pass judgement. I believe we all suffer from bouts of depression now and again and the anxiety, well who hasn't felt anxious? ( I believe the world would run a bit smoother if everyone was placed prophylactically on antidepressants). There is a stigma to this but I don't care. Most people suffer without treatment, unable to maintain a relationship or to determine they are in a dysfunctional one due to their depression or other issues. I happen to be a person who recognized it and got treated. I have been relatively well adjusted until recently. I think maybe I should explain..
Psych 101
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
GAD is a chronic anxiety disorder characterized by persistent, excessive and difficult-to control worry, which may be accompanied by several psychic and somatic symptoms (Difficult to control the worry, the anxiety and worry are associated with restlessness or feeling on edge, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbances). It can cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Inability to relax.
Common is excessive worry about everyday things such as family, health, work or finances. Fear of failure, intolerance of uncertainty. perfectionism.
Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent
Depression is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. (There is a bit more to it than that, but no need to go into all that here. Suffice it to say, I have been diagnosed with this in the past).
It's back. The anxiety. I think it has been for quite some time. I 'm just really losing control of it. I love my CC and my CC loves me. My brain knows these things. My heart feels like it will explode with all of the love I feel for him. I have never felt this way about anyone. Ever. It is a hard thing to grasp. But I think that as we continue to grow together my anxiety is becoming out of control. My mind runs wild with thoughts. I try to control them but have difficulty. I tend to focus on them to the point I cannot concentrate on anything else. I get really needy and nothing seems to satisfy the need. I worry about looks, weight, flaws, have I disappointed, etc. This continues to the point to where it becomes reality and can drive him crazy. All of this makes me extremely irritable. I can be perfectly fine and then snap and fly off of the handle at the smallest thing. I see it all and recognize it for what it is but my mind cannot keep my emotions in check. I cry a lot. Everything, happy or sad can bring me to tears.
There is more to all of this. My last blog is only an example. I have an appointment on Friday to try to get all of this straightened out and get my mind right. I will not lose my CC because of my anxiety over losing him. THAT is crazy...
This sentence pretty well describes where I am at as of late. I have let my anxiety run amok and it is causing havoc. I have issues. I know, we all do right? Where would we be if everything ran smoothly? We would be a bunch of bored individuals, not able to realize when things are good. But I actually do. In an effort to provide full disclosure, my issues are 1 - Major Depressive disorder, recurrent and 2 - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I know this because I have had a psychiatrist tell me so in the past. Please don't pass judgement. I believe we all suffer from bouts of depression now and again and the anxiety, well who hasn't felt anxious? ( I believe the world would run a bit smoother if everyone was placed prophylactically on antidepressants). There is a stigma to this but I don't care. Most people suffer without treatment, unable to maintain a relationship or to determine they are in a dysfunctional one due to their depression or other issues. I happen to be a person who recognized it and got treated. I have been relatively well adjusted until recently. I think maybe I should explain..
Psych 101
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
GAD is a chronic anxiety disorder characterized by persistent, excessive and difficult-to control worry, which may be accompanied by several psychic and somatic symptoms (Difficult to control the worry, the anxiety and worry are associated with restlessness or feeling on edge, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbances). It can cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Inability to relax.
Common is excessive worry about everyday things such as family, health, work or finances. Fear of failure, intolerance of uncertainty. perfectionism.
Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent
Depression is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. (There is a bit more to it than that, but no need to go into all that here. Suffice it to say, I have been diagnosed with this in the past).
It's back. The anxiety. I think it has been for quite some time. I 'm just really losing control of it. I love my CC and my CC loves me. My brain knows these things. My heart feels like it will explode with all of the love I feel for him. I have never felt this way about anyone. Ever. It is a hard thing to grasp. But I think that as we continue to grow together my anxiety is becoming out of control. My mind runs wild with thoughts. I try to control them but have difficulty. I tend to focus on them to the point I cannot concentrate on anything else. I get really needy and nothing seems to satisfy the need. I worry about looks, weight, flaws, have I disappointed, etc. This continues to the point to where it becomes reality and can drive him crazy. All of this makes me extremely irritable. I can be perfectly fine and then snap and fly off of the handle at the smallest thing. I see it all and recognize it for what it is but my mind cannot keep my emotions in check. I cry a lot. Everything, happy or sad can bring me to tears.
There is more to all of this. My last blog is only an example. I have an appointment on Friday to try to get all of this straightened out and get my mind right. I will not lose my CC because of my anxiety over losing him. THAT is crazy...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Green-eyed Monster
I am not myself. I don't think I have been myself in quite some time. I have flashes of me. Times when I am me but I don't think I have actually been right for several years.
The reasons why are not clear. I have done a lot of self-reflection over the past few months, trying to figure out why I'm not me and why I've been so sad. I see a lot of things I don't like. Things that make me sad. It's nothing anyone has done, it's all in my head. CC loves me, this I know. He has given up everything to be with me and no one could expect any more from him. I feel jealous though. Of everything and everyone. From people who aren't in his life any more to people who have always been in the periphery. Hell, even the dogs. It's absolutely crazy. They say that jealousy is just the outward sign of low self-esteem. I have been trying to determine when my self-esteem reached its all new low. I mean, jealous of a dog? The dogs are very important to CC and I know this. This morning it has just rubbed me wrong. We were sleeping and the dogs began to stir. I got up to let them out. Only two came. I fed them etc. and went to go get back in bed and the big dog was lying in my spot next to CC. CC remained asleep. My options are: 1-make the dog move which in turn will wake CC who hasn't been feeling great and needs his sleep or 2-just let it be and go in the other room. I opted for 2 so I am typing a blog. Now this all seems silly I know but although we live together, we see very little of each other. I like to lie in bed for a bit on a weekend, be a bit lazy and for us to hold each other. Once CC is awake, he is awake and doesn't like lying around, he will get up. So, in essence, the dog is winning either way. Even if I played the "I'm a human, you are a dog" card, the dog would still win because she makes a lot of commotion getting up and down, AND she would whine as she would NOW want to be let outside and so he gets up. I can't win.
That was this morning. I can think of several other instances where my jealousy flares. It's one of the hardest emotions to hide. It doesn't help that I have gained weight. A LOT of weight, at least for me. Of course, people at work tell me they don't see it but I think that is just being nice and the fact they are bigger than I am. I have probably gained 20+ this year and it really needs to go. I cannot go on like this. It has been almost impossible to get to the gym as of late. We need to focus our efforts but with the holidays, CC's long hours, my mother's hospitalization etc., it has just all gone by the wayside.
The reasons why are not clear. I have done a lot of self-reflection over the past few months, trying to figure out why I'm not me and why I've been so sad. I see a lot of things I don't like. Things that make me sad. It's nothing anyone has done, it's all in my head. CC loves me, this I know. He has given up everything to be with me and no one could expect any more from him. I feel jealous though. Of everything and everyone. From people who aren't in his life any more to people who have always been in the periphery. Hell, even the dogs. It's absolutely crazy. They say that jealousy is just the outward sign of low self-esteem. I have been trying to determine when my self-esteem reached its all new low. I mean, jealous of a dog? The dogs are very important to CC and I know this. This morning it has just rubbed me wrong. We were sleeping and the dogs began to stir. I got up to let them out. Only two came. I fed them etc. and went to go get back in bed and the big dog was lying in my spot next to CC. CC remained asleep. My options are: 1-make the dog move which in turn will wake CC who hasn't been feeling great and needs his sleep or 2-just let it be and go in the other room. I opted for 2 so I am typing a blog. Now this all seems silly I know but although we live together, we see very little of each other. I like to lie in bed for a bit on a weekend, be a bit lazy and for us to hold each other. Once CC is awake, he is awake and doesn't like lying around, he will get up. So, in essence, the dog is winning either way. Even if I played the "I'm a human, you are a dog" card, the dog would still win because she makes a lot of commotion getting up and down, AND she would whine as she would NOW want to be let outside and so he gets up. I can't win.
That was this morning. I can think of several other instances where my jealousy flares. It's one of the hardest emotions to hide. It doesn't help that I have gained weight. A LOT of weight, at least for me. Of course, people at work tell me they don't see it but I think that is just being nice and the fact they are bigger than I am. I have probably gained 20+ this year and it really needs to go. I cannot go on like this. It has been almost impossible to get to the gym as of late. We need to focus our efforts but with the holidays, CC's long hours, my mother's hospitalization etc., it has just all gone by the wayside.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The Downhill Slide to Christmas
When I was young, it seemed like forever until Christmas. The time between Thanksgiving and Santa was more like 4 months than 4 weeks... Times have changed. It seems to sneak up on me every year, this year more than ever. I guess with all of the activity surrounding my mother and my grandfather and having guests over Thanksgiving, it has really seemed to fly by. I have up decorations but that is it. I still have a ton of shopping left and I have not started any baking etc. Ten years ago it seemed as if I had more time. I could spend cold weekends at home, baking cookies and cakes and preparing hearty meals for the family. (Now they're lucky to get anything at all ). I don't think I am any more busy now than then. I can't seem to figure it out. All I know is that the shopping isn't done, there are no cookies for Santa and I must be on the naughty list again.... ;)
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