I am not myself. I don't think I have been myself in quite some time. I have flashes of me. Times when I am me but I don't think I have actually been right for several years.
The reasons why are not clear. I have done a lot of self-reflection over the past few months, trying to figure out why I'm not me and why I've been so sad. I see a lot of things I don't like. Things that make me sad. It's nothing anyone has done, it's all in my head. CC loves me, this I know. He has given up everything to be with me and no one could expect any more from him. I feel jealous though. Of everything and everyone. From people who aren't in his life any more to people who have always been in the periphery. Hell, even the dogs. It's absolutely crazy. They say that jealousy is just the outward sign of low self-esteem. I have been trying to determine when my self-esteem reached its all new low. I mean, jealous of a dog? The dogs are very important to CC and I know this. This morning it has just rubbed me wrong. We were sleeping and the dogs began to stir. I got up to let them out. Only two came. I fed them etc. and went to go get back in bed and the big dog was lying in my spot next to CC. CC remained asleep. My options are: 1-make the dog move which in turn will wake CC who hasn't been feeling great and needs his sleep or 2-just let it be and go in the other room. I opted for 2 so I am typing a blog. Now this all seems silly I know but although we live together, we see very little of each other. I like to lie in bed for a bit on a weekend, be a bit lazy and for us to hold each other. Once CC is awake, he is awake and doesn't like lying around, he will get up. So, in essence, the dog is winning either way. Even if I played the "I'm a human, you are a dog" card, the dog would still win because she makes a lot of commotion getting up and down, AND she would whine as she would NOW want to be let outside and so he gets up. I can't win.
That was this morning. I can think of several other instances where my jealousy flares. It's one of the hardest emotions to hide. It doesn't help that I have gained weight. A LOT of weight, at least for me. Of course, people at work tell me they don't see it but I think that is just being nice and the fact they are bigger than I am. I have probably gained 20+ this year and it really needs to go. I cannot go on like this. It has been almost impossible to get to the gym as of late. We need to focus our efforts but with the holidays, CC's long hours, my mother's hospitalization etc., it has just all gone by the wayside.
Make the dog move!!! It might wake me up, but if you let her do it, she is gonna keep doing it!
ReplyDeleteI agree. The dog is trainable.
ReplyDeleteI haven't actually met you so I don't know much about your lifestyle and appearance, so all I can say from what I know is that I think you're beautiful, I know Bat thinks you're beautiful, and my sense of your relationship is that it's as secure as any I've seen. More secure than most. I don't mean to speak for him but it's just the "sense" I get.
Now, please don't take this personally cuz it's ont personal cuz I'm too far away to know better, but what I've found worked for me in keeping the weight stable is cutting out all sodas (including diet) and all fast food. I'm sorry if this doesn't seem realistic, but I've found that Subway is a good substitute for food-on-the-go, as long as you skip the mayo. Also, eliminate whatever fried foods and processed foods you can. They're little lifestyle changes that add up over time. You're saving yourself so many calories if you just watch these things, that over a year it'd add up to quite a few pounds lost.
Next time this happens, get the dog a special treat that she loves to eat and coax it off the bed onto to floor to eat.
ReplyDelete