This sentence pretty well describes where I am at as of late. I have let my anxiety run amok and it is causing havoc. I have issues. I know, we all do right? Where would we be if everything ran smoothly? We would be a bunch of bored individuals, not able to realize when things are good. But I actually do. In an effort to provide full disclosure, my issues are 1 - Major Depressive disorder, recurrent and 2 - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I know this because I have had a psychiatrist tell me so in the past. Please don't pass judgement. I believe we all suffer from bouts of depression now and again and the anxiety, well who hasn't felt anxious? ( I believe the world would run a bit smoother if everyone was placed prophylactically on antidepressants). There is a stigma to this but I don't care. Most people suffer without treatment, unable to maintain a relationship or to determine they are in a dysfunctional one due to their depression or other issues. I happen to be a person who recognized it and got treated. I have been relatively well adjusted until recently. I think maybe I should explain..
Psych 101
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
GAD is a chronic anxiety disorder characterized by persistent, excessive and difficult-to control worry, which may be accompanied by several psychic and somatic symptoms (Difficult to control the worry, the anxiety and worry are associated with restlessness or feeling on edge, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbances). It can cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Inability to relax.
Common is excessive worry about everyday things such as family, health, work or finances. Fear of failure, intolerance of uncertainty. perfectionism.
Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent
Depression is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. (There is a bit more to it than that, but no need to go into all that here. Suffice it to say, I have been diagnosed with this in the past).
It's back. The anxiety. I think it has been for quite some time. I 'm just really losing control of it. I love my CC and my CC loves me. My brain knows these things. My heart feels like it will explode with all of the love I feel for him. I have never felt this way about anyone. Ever. It is a hard thing to grasp. But I think that as we continue to grow together my anxiety is becoming out of control. My mind runs wild with thoughts. I try to control them but have difficulty. I tend to focus on them to the point I cannot concentrate on anything else. I get really needy and nothing seems to satisfy the need. I worry about looks, weight, flaws, have I disappointed, etc. This continues to the point to where it becomes reality and can drive him crazy. All of this makes me extremely irritable. I can be perfectly fine and then snap and fly off of the handle at the smallest thing. I see it all and recognize it for what it is but my mind cannot keep my emotions in check. I cry a lot. Everything, happy or sad can bring me to tears.
There is more to all of this. My last blog is only an example. I have an appointment on Friday to try to get all of this straightened out and get my mind right. I will not lose my CC because of my anxiety over losing him. THAT is crazy...
I'm so glad you have the humility to recognize an issue and to deal with it head-on. That's admirable in this world of denial and egos. If it's a chemical imbalance, I hope it gets under control quickly. Otherwise, it sounds like me on PMS. I'm just oversensitive. I don't know about stigma; the two disorders are REALLY common ones.
ReplyDeleteBeing in love forces everyone to expose their vein of vulnerability. It matters SO MUCH that you please the other person, that you keep peace, that you make the relationship good, that they think highly of you, that they don't entertain the thought of wanting something/someone else. So there's a lot of insecurity and discomfort, especially if you're a perfectionist in control of your life. Cuz love means feeling out of control of all elements; emotions and another person are almost intangibles, and it's unsettling that you can't just physically keep it safe, dust it off, hold it in your hand. It may not be where you last left it, it has a life of its own, it's prone to misunderstandings. But love means that even with all this crazy vulnerability driving you more crazy, in the end it's all still okay. He opens his arms and you go to him and you feel accepted, despite all the noise that just exploded in your head. I trust you have that.
I hope things start looking up, update us on the doctor's appointment. Meanwhile, I send you love, support, and blessings.