Yes, contrary to popular belief I can be a positive person. I do my best to hide that quality about myself. I try to pull it off being mean and pessimistic but I do have some optimism. I think it may be a self preservation tactic but it does exist. It exists regarding the Son.
I know, I know. He hasn't amounted to much of anything and hasn't shown any signs of improvement. It is a hard thing to explain the special weird love a person has for a child but I just can't seem to stop hoping that things will turn around. Realistically, he isn't going to graduate this year. He has yet in the last 4 years attempted to show any desire to achieve, much less over achieve. Summer school here he comes again. But, every year I hope that things will be different. I have yet to see him crack a book, he didn't do his summer reading but yet I am still hopeful he will manage to graduate on time. I must be desperate for something positive but I do this to myself every year.
I upset my CC when I asked him to stop pointing out the obvious and to let me have my hope. My hope is always dashed. I know what he says is true. But because I love my son, every year I hope. I hope I'm not disappointed, I hope he does as he promises. It doesn't happen but at the beginning of every school year I have hope. Unconditional love does that to you. I don't know how to explain it to CC. I wasn't trying to be critical, just trying to explain myself. I agree with everything he says but I cannot help having some hope. Without hope, what does one have? I love the Son. That will never change. You always want the best for your children. Even if you don't like them some of the time, you love them ALL of the time. I have hope, sometime things will be different. Sometime things may change. Sometime he may realize his faults. Sometime he will realize just how much I love him.
I love CC. I have always loved him, even when I didn't realize it. I would do anything in the world for him. I am trying to move before the Son is out of school. It wasn't the original plan but after the first house fell through, CC was ready to move to FL. We kept looking until we found a house that suited us. The Son doesn't feel as if he needs me. I know he does but he shuns me so whatever. I have somewhere for him to stay if I move before he is out of school. I am hoping to sell the house. I want to be with CC. I hope he knows that. I just can't abandon my child regardless of if he thinks he can take care of himself or not. He is still only a child and judging by his behavior will be one long after my responsibility for him legally dissipates. I want to do right by the Son, but I do realize my responsibility for his happiness is coming to an end. He has always been ready to leave the nest (whether he can actually afford to or not). I'm doing my best to balance my life until a job comes through, the house sells, a combination or whatever, Basically, I'm doing my best to hang in there. I just hope everyone understands I am giving it 100% and trying my damnedest to make all involved happy campers.
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