Well, I've done it again. I have allowed the confidence thief into my head and turn me into an insecure idiot. What the hell is wrong with me? I am in love with a man who loves me. He has never done one single thing in the time since we have met to ever cause me to doubt how he feels about me. Let me repeat, never. No qualifying statement needed.
Today was fine. It was Mother's Day. CC and I talked over coffee. We had errands to run, things to do, decided we would talk later which we did. We actually talked several times throughout the day. No problem. I don't know what happened. Somehow during our last conversation of the night the thief snuck in. Played on every insecurity I have.
My mind starts with the obvious things. Ex lovers, my weight, issues with my son, etc. Then they start to branch out. Apparently not satisfied with the pedestrian items above, my insecurity reaches out into the obscure. Unnamed, faceless people. Anyone he could meet in any setting. Someone who will turn his head. Has all the things I do not. Someone who can make him forget me. How old am I, 12????? All of this is absolute rubbish and I know this. Why do I continue to allow this to happen?
I have tried to analyze it all. I come up with little. Maybe I have the issues with my physical appearance that manifest itself into insecurity in my relationship. Maybe the issues with past relationships had a greater affect on me than previously thought. Maybe it's the distance. The lack of face time we get. Maybe a combination of it all? I don't know but it is doing a number on me.
I talked with CC a bit about it via text. I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I have these thoughts. I mean, if I was him, I would feel like I wasn't trusted. But I do trust him. I know he wouldn't do such things to me . At least in my head. I don't know why my heart doesn't follow the lead of my head. My gut says the head is right. Why isn't the rest of me listening??
I can't talk about this anymore with him. Bless his heart, he is perfect. Perfect for me. I can't go scaring him making him think I am some kind of needy flake. Hell, I have been crying here for a good 30 minutes or so over what? An overactive imagination? Instead of vacation in Clearwater he will want to give me one in Our Lady of Peace (local psychiatric hospital).
I miss some of the person I used to be. The old me would never think anyone could ever want to cheat on her. It was beyond the scope of the old me's comprehension. I have made a lot of changes for the better over the years but losing my old confidence and self-esteem have definitely made for a difficult mental road with a long distance relationship. Although, I don't know if him moving here would solve all of my issues. They will still be there. Maybe they will heal faster if I have to learn to cope because of the distance? I hate questions where there are no clear cut answers.
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