Today is an appropriate day for a Karen Carpenter song. It is a rainy Monday. VERY rainy Monday. Saturday was 70 and sunny which is unheard of this time of year. Sunday and Monday.... Rain, rain, rain and in the 40's. The weather here is awful and doesn't help to perk up your spirit.
I didn't go to work today. I generally felt yucky. I did a lot of cleaning and painting over the weekend and I think all of the chemicals really got to me. Just a lot of headache, kinda queasy at times and my joints are killing me due to the weather. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for today so it worked out for the best.
She agrees that a lot of my issues could potentially be my thyroid. She has also told me if that isn't the case we do need to do something about my weight. She says my frame can't handle it and I agree wholeheartedly. I told her I have been trying to do better with my eating but no matter what I do, I can't seem to shed the weight. Just a couple of pounds up and down and that is water weight, not real weight. SOOO... The lab results should be in tomorrow. She did a full panel thyroid, vitamin D and a couple other tests. They took about six vials of blood. As long as the results don't say "You're getting old, get over it" I'll be fine. I just need to know what is going on with me.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
It's relatively early Thanksgiving morning. I am up, had some coffee and talked with my CC. I have been downstairs doing some repairs on the basement bathroom. The Son (like most teenagers) takes extremely long hot showers and after a time, it has caused some mold spots on the ceiling. As I am trying to sell the house, this definitely needs to be addressed. There are also some areas on the drywall around the shower that have the paper bubbling up due to water and the shower curtain not properly closed when bathing. I have sprayed the ceiling again with bleach water and will paint it later with a mold/mildew retardant paint. I have sanded the areas around the shower and thank goodness the areas were superficial. No patching required, just some spackling, sanding and painting. The spackling has been applied and I am waiting for all to dry to move on to the next step. I also repaired one of the holes in the Son's room. (Yes ANOTHER one). This one was caused by a stray elbow when rough housing with friends. IT required a patch but it was a very small hole so not so bad. I'm not cooking this year as I have chosen to do home improvement instead. I will probably make chili as the weather isn't very nice.
I do have a lot to be thankful for this year. I have my health (well at least I'm living). I have my wonderful CC who is the light and love of my life. My mother is doing as well as can be expected. (This time last year she was in ICU and on a vent). My grandmother is doing well also. The Son and I are on better terms as of late. I am able to pay the bills and make ends meet. That is a wonderful thing as well although if this house doesn't sell, things are going to be much leaner. But, all in all, things are going okay.
All signs are pointing to the fact I may get a job offer from the company in St. Petersburg I have been interviewing with. They requested a 30-60-90 day plan which I have done and they want me to meet the owner on Dec 2 when I am in Clearwater next. If this comes through, I will need to resign from my position here, find a place for Morgan to stay if his father will not agree to live in this house until he graduates. If that is the case, I will need to have all of the locks changed and get the house cleaned, etc. and have us all move out and will keep it on the market. If his father is willing, I will take it off the market for a few months and will pay the mortgage if he will pay the bills on the house. A lot of things are up in the air. I just know if I can find other employment paying better than what I am making now, it will help things out tremendously.
All in all, I am very thankful for all of my blessings. Although the last few months have been trying at best, life is moving on and is looking up.
I do have a lot to be thankful for this year. I have my health (well at least I'm living). I have my wonderful CC who is the light and love of my life. My mother is doing as well as can be expected. (This time last year she was in ICU and on a vent). My grandmother is doing well also. The Son and I are on better terms as of late. I am able to pay the bills and make ends meet. That is a wonderful thing as well although if this house doesn't sell, things are going to be much leaner. But, all in all, things are going okay.
All signs are pointing to the fact I may get a job offer from the company in St. Petersburg I have been interviewing with. They requested a 30-60-90 day plan which I have done and they want me to meet the owner on Dec 2 when I am in Clearwater next. If this comes through, I will need to resign from my position here, find a place for Morgan to stay if his father will not agree to live in this house until he graduates. If that is the case, I will need to have all of the locks changed and get the house cleaned, etc. and have us all move out and will keep it on the market. If his father is willing, I will take it off the market for a few months and will pay the mortgage if he will pay the bills on the house. A lot of things are up in the air. I just know if I can find other employment paying better than what I am making now, it will help things out tremendously.
All in all, I am very thankful for all of my blessings. Although the last few months have been trying at best, life is moving on and is looking up.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Houston We Have a Problem. (I think)
Over the last month or so I have been having a lot of changes. Not just what has been going on with the Son, but physically. My hair loss has increased, I'm tired constantly, I can't seem to lose weight, I'm cold a lot (unusual for me) but lately have run hot cold literally. I don't think it's menopause although instead of getting hot occasionally at night which is normal, last night I woke up literally with sweat beading. CRAZY!
I think my thyroid is acting up. I guess I will break down and go to the doctor. All I need is one more bill but I will have to do something. This stuff is driving me nuts
I think my thyroid is acting up. I guess I will break down and go to the doctor. All I need is one more bill but I will have to do something. This stuff is driving me nuts
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
All's Quiet on the Home Front
The past two days have been pretty good as far as my home life is concerned. The Son has been decent and he is actually home at this hour doing HOMEWORK! I know he has a paper due on 11/18 and he is probably just starting it but hey, it's a day earlier than normal so I am not complaining. There are no other kids here and it is very peaceful. If only there were more days like this. Maybe it's the weather. It has been dreary and rainy for the past couple of days with the temperature feeling much colder than the 55 the weather man is touting. Probably because of all the moisture. But, if it helps everything stay calm and respectful around here, let it rain all it wants.
I had another telephone interview today with a company based out of San Antonio. It seemed to go relatively well. I am hoping for a face to face interview in the next couple of weeks. I've got my fingers crossed.
I had another telephone interview today with a company based out of San Antonio. It seemed to go relatively well. I am hoping for a face to face interview in the next couple of weeks. I've got my fingers crossed.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Therapy
I flew back to the Ville today from FL. The Son had a counseling visit scheduled and we went to the visit without incident.
Non-productive is the best I can say for it. The Son feels forced to go, doesn't participate and quite frankly, still doesn't feel anything is his fault. I am still a person who doesn't care and his opinion doesn't matter, etc. so on and so forth.
Apparently while the counselor was asking me questions and I respond, something really just ticked him off. He asked to leave. He was of course allowed. After he left I reported we basically tip toe around each other. I am cursed every time my opinion and thoughts do not mesh with his and basically, controlling him at this juncture is a waste of energy because I can't. The counselor agreed that the best thing I can do for the remaining few months is to just give him a wide berth. He also agreed if a person does not seek to improve, therapy really is a waste of time. HMPH!
What this all boils down to is we all know how the Son is but as the Son doesn't want to work on himself, there is nothing anyone can really do. At least until he is 18 and I can have him leave the house for the disrespect. Regardless of how I'm treated, unless I go to court and have him ruled uncontrollable, this is where we are. I told the counselor there is only so much Lexapro and Klonapin a person can take and the Son is wearing me mighty thin. I really don't know how much longer this can continue. He really needs to live with his dad but I know exactly how that will go. It won't. So... Here I am, still counting down the days until he is 18. I think I have 289 more days. Give or take a day. Lord give me strength...
Non-productive is the best I can say for it. The Son feels forced to go, doesn't participate and quite frankly, still doesn't feel anything is his fault. I am still a person who doesn't care and his opinion doesn't matter, etc. so on and so forth.
Apparently while the counselor was asking me questions and I respond, something really just ticked him off. He asked to leave. He was of course allowed. After he left I reported we basically tip toe around each other. I am cursed every time my opinion and thoughts do not mesh with his and basically, controlling him at this juncture is a waste of energy because I can't. The counselor agreed that the best thing I can do for the remaining few months is to just give him a wide berth. He also agreed if a person does not seek to improve, therapy really is a waste of time. HMPH!
What this all boils down to is we all know how the Son is but as the Son doesn't want to work on himself, there is nothing anyone can really do. At least until he is 18 and I can have him leave the house for the disrespect. Regardless of how I'm treated, unless I go to court and have him ruled uncontrollable, this is where we are. I told the counselor there is only so much Lexapro and Klonapin a person can take and the Son is wearing me mighty thin. I really don't know how much longer this can continue. He really needs to live with his dad but I know exactly how that will go. It won't. So... Here I am, still counting down the days until he is 18. I think I have 289 more days. Give or take a day. Lord give me strength...
Time Goes By...
I'm not really sure where I've left off. I know that my world has been pretty hectic and it has been a good three months or so since I have written down any of my thoughts. Not many people visit this site so I don't suppose anyone is feeling too put out or disappointed with my absence.
August
The Son had his 17th birthday. School started again. Senior year. I really hope he doesn't have to repeat it. He sold the 2007 Mazda and took the money, pocketed some and bought a 1994 Ranger. I didn't agree with it but it was the one car I was going to buy him and he sold it for more than it booked so I allowed it. I did tell him, however, I would not carry full coverage insurance on a 1994 Ranger. At the time he was fine with that and off he went with the truck.
September
He has been tardy more times than I can count from school. They told him he couldn't drive to school for two weeks. He was not happy and of course was everyone else's fault but his own. No matter how hard I try, I just can't get him to see that he brings his woes onto himself.
CC and I, (mostly CC) have been working very hard on the house. Flooring and paint and new wardrobes were all on the agenda and it is becoming quite beautiful. I continue to look for acceptable work but it just doesn't seem to be panning out. I applied at our Humana Cares division only to be passed over by someone else. No explanation. They weren't even going to call. I consider it most unprofessional and feel it was probably in my best interest if they were not going to conform to Humana culture and processes.
October
The first Friday of October, the Son wrecked his truck. He was on his way home and he rolled the truck twice. There was no saving it. He emerged with a couple of scratches. Didn't even break a nail. There was no one else in the car and he is extremely lucky to be alive. I instructed him to go to the urgent care and I would meet him there. I got him signed in and because I was having difficulty believing exactly how the accident happened, he freaked out, began getting angry and wanting to leave. I left instead and he had to find his own way home. I didn't see him until late the next night. By that time I had gone to the impound lot, sold the truck for $300 to a junk yard. That paid the $200 tow bill and I gave him the $100 for the truck Saturday night.
On Sunday he wanted to borrow my car. I said no. He said that I didn't trust him. I said that with all of the disrespect, why should I do him a favor? I was doing laundry at the time and he pouted, said some things and walked away. So what he's disgruntled right? I was putting clothes away in my room. He came up from the basement with a loaded shotgun under his chin. He was shouting on how I didn't care about him and I wished he would've died in the accident and he could fix it right then and there. I called the police. By the time the police got there I managed to get the gun away and get them and the ammunition loaded in the trunk of my car. The police agreed that he needed some help and they followed me to the ER. He made a show of himself in the ER, he tried to leave. They had security outside the door because he was so loud. Carrying on about how once he got out I would never see him again. He didn't want to live with me etc. He would then change tactics and cry begging me to take him out of there.
They finally came with an ambulance and took him to a treatment center. He ended up staying for 4 days. CC and I were due to leave on a cruise so I went. I needed the break. It was an absolutely wonderful trip. Even when it rained. :) The Son's father came and stayed with him at the house while I was away. It didn't keep the Son from calling me on the Thursday of my trip accusing me of taking the money from the sale of the truck and MFing and GDing me, calling me a liar, etc. I texted his dad and told him I wasn't having it. He had Morgan text me. "Sorry, I figured it out". That was what I got. That was suppose to be okay. I surely didn't get a call on my birthday or the day after or the day after etc.
Our relationship has been extremely strained and is fraught with disrespect. I love him dearly but I do not like him much at all. Is that a bad thing for a parent to say? Sometimes I just wonder where I went wrong. His father, who initially seemed all put out that I would pay someone to stay with the Son while I am out of town, who was snarky about I "assumed he would be working as it was a weekend", doesn't help. After the initial crisis, basically if Son isn't home the whole time, he sees no point in driving over. I tried to explain about parties, etc. Of course, because it isn't his house he doesn't give a fuck.
The Son called me at my mother's a couple of weeks ago wanting his guns back. I told him no because he had been irresponsible with them. He got mad, cursed me, told me I was stupid, pointing out that the gun wasn't pointed at me it was at him and it was his head and if he wanted to blow it off he would. WELL, that would really help me change my mind.. NOT.
My mother, who heard the who conversation was of course appalled and is scared to death he is going to kill me in my sleep. She gets a bit antsy if I don't call her every couple of days to let her know I'm alive. Of course, Son sees it as me not being about to keep private things private and now he can't get a truck to drive from her and fuck her he won't do a damn thing for her ever again.
I have raised a spoiled entitled brat. He has no sense of personal responsibility so I have failed him as a parent. He is really going to have a hard time in the world because I did not prepare him for how things are. No, he shouldn't talk or treat me the way he does, but in the overall scheme of things, I have failed and the lessons I am trying to squeeze in now while I can are going to be extremely painful to the both of us as a result.
August
The Son had his 17th birthday. School started again. Senior year. I really hope he doesn't have to repeat it. He sold the 2007 Mazda and took the money, pocketed some and bought a 1994 Ranger. I didn't agree with it but it was the one car I was going to buy him and he sold it for more than it booked so I allowed it. I did tell him, however, I would not carry full coverage insurance on a 1994 Ranger. At the time he was fine with that and off he went with the truck.
September
He has been tardy more times than I can count from school. They told him he couldn't drive to school for two weeks. He was not happy and of course was everyone else's fault but his own. No matter how hard I try, I just can't get him to see that he brings his woes onto himself.
CC and I, (mostly CC) have been working very hard on the house. Flooring and paint and new wardrobes were all on the agenda and it is becoming quite beautiful. I continue to look for acceptable work but it just doesn't seem to be panning out. I applied at our Humana Cares division only to be passed over by someone else. No explanation. They weren't even going to call. I consider it most unprofessional and feel it was probably in my best interest if they were not going to conform to Humana culture and processes.
October
The first Friday of October, the Son wrecked his truck. He was on his way home and he rolled the truck twice. There was no saving it. He emerged with a couple of scratches. Didn't even break a nail. There was no one else in the car and he is extremely lucky to be alive. I instructed him to go to the urgent care and I would meet him there. I got him signed in and because I was having difficulty believing exactly how the accident happened, he freaked out, began getting angry and wanting to leave. I left instead and he had to find his own way home. I didn't see him until late the next night. By that time I had gone to the impound lot, sold the truck for $300 to a junk yard. That paid the $200 tow bill and I gave him the $100 for the truck Saturday night.
On Sunday he wanted to borrow my car. I said no. He said that I didn't trust him. I said that with all of the disrespect, why should I do him a favor? I was doing laundry at the time and he pouted, said some things and walked away. So what he's disgruntled right? I was putting clothes away in my room. He came up from the basement with a loaded shotgun under his chin. He was shouting on how I didn't care about him and I wished he would've died in the accident and he could fix it right then and there. I called the police. By the time the police got there I managed to get the gun away and get them and the ammunition loaded in the trunk of my car. The police agreed that he needed some help and they followed me to the ER. He made a show of himself in the ER, he tried to leave. They had security outside the door because he was so loud. Carrying on about how once he got out I would never see him again. He didn't want to live with me etc. He would then change tactics and cry begging me to take him out of there.
They finally came with an ambulance and took him to a treatment center. He ended up staying for 4 days. CC and I were due to leave on a cruise so I went. I needed the break. It was an absolutely wonderful trip. Even when it rained. :) The Son's father came and stayed with him at the house while I was away. It didn't keep the Son from calling me on the Thursday of my trip accusing me of taking the money from the sale of the truck and MFing and GDing me, calling me a liar, etc. I texted his dad and told him I wasn't having it. He had Morgan text me. "Sorry, I figured it out". That was what I got. That was suppose to be okay. I surely didn't get a call on my birthday or the day after or the day after etc.
Our relationship has been extremely strained and is fraught with disrespect. I love him dearly but I do not like him much at all. Is that a bad thing for a parent to say? Sometimes I just wonder where I went wrong. His father, who initially seemed all put out that I would pay someone to stay with the Son while I am out of town, who was snarky about I "assumed he would be working as it was a weekend", doesn't help. After the initial crisis, basically if Son isn't home the whole time, he sees no point in driving over. I tried to explain about parties, etc. Of course, because it isn't his house he doesn't give a fuck.
The Son called me at my mother's a couple of weeks ago wanting his guns back. I told him no because he had been irresponsible with them. He got mad, cursed me, told me I was stupid, pointing out that the gun wasn't pointed at me it was at him and it was his head and if he wanted to blow it off he would. WELL, that would really help me change my mind.. NOT.
My mother, who heard the who conversation was of course appalled and is scared to death he is going to kill me in my sleep. She gets a bit antsy if I don't call her every couple of days to let her know I'm alive. Of course, Son sees it as me not being about to keep private things private and now he can't get a truck to drive from her and fuck her he won't do a damn thing for her ever again.
I have raised a spoiled entitled brat. He has no sense of personal responsibility so I have failed him as a parent. He is really going to have a hard time in the world because I did not prepare him for how things are. No, he shouldn't talk or treat me the way he does, but in the overall scheme of things, I have failed and the lessons I am trying to squeeze in now while I can are going to be extremely painful to the both of us as a result.
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