And the Saga continues...

I know I haven't talked about the Son in a while. Truth is, there wasn't much to say while he wasn't speaking to me.  A lot has happened since then.

Right before the Son was to leave for college, he was pulled over and charged with underage consumption. The cop called me because they could not reach his dad.  The officer just wanted someone to come and get him so they did not have to arrest him.  I was able to reach his Dad and had him pick him up.

His father would not help him get his car out of impound so the money he had saved was spent on that and then calls me for gas money.  I couldn't turn him down. He has to get to work.

So he moves out of the apt. and is off to college.  It lasted a day before I received a phone call talking about how much he hated it. He hated his roommates, the classes, the apt. EVERYTHING. All he wanted to do was come back home.  He was upset and drove like a mad man talking on the phone to me. Scared me to death. Car ended up on the side of the road. One of his friends helped him out and he did go to classes the next day.  He called me from school, saying he wants to quit and move back.  School lasted a total of 4 days. Three really when you look at it.  I was able to get off rather light on the bills for that for what I can tell.  There wasn't that much on the loan yet and I just lost all of the deposit money etc. on the apt.  He had to have some money to get his car and stuff home but he did. Of course he is mad, saying I have left him homeless.  I did point out he had a perfectly good apartment at college and he didn't stay. The fact he has no place to live is not mine.  So, was mad and there you go.  This was during the first full week in August.

So, he is couch diving.  The way I see it, there were several kids that practically lived at our house during high school. I fed them, laundry etc.  Their parents OWE ME.  At any rate, his car is falling apart, he sleeps in his car some when it's too late to go to some one's home etc.  I have been helping him some with money, as I can.

His birthday was the 31st of August.  I helped him get a new vehicle with my Mom for his 18th birthday.  The insurance is going to be expensive but it is what it is.

His dad apparently didn't do much of anything.  He just called me and said he told him dad work was slow and asked him for some money and his dad shut him down, saying he would've stayed in school.  I can understand his dad being angry but he wasn't paying for it.  Also, if the Son doesn't want to go to school, well, it happens.  The Dad didn't go to school either and yes, has not a lot to his name so his son followed in his footsteps.  How does he have the right to be mad?  He never wanted him to be like me anyway.

The Dad always complained how he had no impact in his upbringing etc. Of course, he wouldn't drive over to see him and alienated him every chance he got. No wonder!  I think that even thought the Son sidled up to the Dad in June, he realizes, I'm not such the monster he always thought I was before. He is trying to get it together and for that I am thankful.

He called out of the blue right before his birthday telling me he wanted to go back on his medication. He said he stopped smoking pot and wanted to go back on his anti-depressants.  I called the pharmacy and so now he is on his medication.  That makes me very happy.  He seems to think much clearer when he is on his medication.  For him, his life is rough.  It is much rougher than anything he had ever experienced before anyway.  A certain amount of that is good for him and the fact he has no place to live is no ones fault but his own.  He refuses to live with his dad, he will not live at our farm or with my mother etc.  He has places to go but doesn't want to go to them.  That I cannot help. That is his choice and he has to live with that.  I do suspect it isn't as bad as he makes it out to be but I am 900 miles away and can't see for myself.

I will be trying to go up north this fall and will also try to get him to come down for a visit during the holidays if I can. I miss him, regardless of our past. He is my Son, my biggest weakness.

A Tribute

Daisy is CC's golden retriever. He has had her since she was a puppy and has been with him through a lot of trials and tribulations.  She is funny and acts just like a teenager.  She is oblivious to criticism and does things all in her own time.  It provides us with a lot of smiles.

Just look at this face!

Daisy was diagnosed last week with cancer of the spleen, hemangiosarcoma.  She hasn't eaten properly and had stopped eating all together.  We took her in, she was diagnosed, and we have spent the weekend hoping the medicine and diet changes would help improve her state.  It hasn't.  CC has been torn all weekend, this has been very unexpected and a devastating blow.  She has been lying around, doing very little and is not herself. It is sad to watch.  She typically is so playful.  She never met a toy that didn't need to have its stuffing spread all over the floor, a squeaky toy that needed to be permanently silenced.  We have been trying everything. Trying to improve her quality of life for the time she has left.  She doesn't even tear the toys up anymore.  It is so disheartening.

I have ALL the toys!

She is a very special dog.  When CC and I first got together, I wasn't really sure about being a dog owner.  I mean, I had a dog, but a Pomeranian but two bigger dogs are very different.  The Pom did not sleep with me and really was too small to make a mess.  CC's dogs slept with him and I wasn't fond of that but I decided to give it a chance.  CC's girls sold me.  They have always slept with us.  We bought a king size bed that sat really close to the ground for the dogs.  We wanted space for us but also wanted the dogs to have room and be able to get in and out as they age. We really didn't anticipate the need so soon.

Daisy and I lazing about

We are taking Daisy to the vet tomorrow.  I don't believe she will be coming home with us. It has been a difficult weekend and we don't want her to suffer. The weekend has been filled with many tears and thoughts and memories of beloved Daisy.

I am really glad I had the painting made of the girls last year.  We now have it framed and hanging in our guest room.  It turned out wonderful and now that it's framed it looks even better.

It's been hard watching her decline and equally as hard to watch CC worrying, watching and struggling to cope with something that was practically sprung upon him.  He has had no time to prepare, I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away from him and from Daisy but I can't. All I can do is be here and be supportive.  I hope that it's enough.

How Long Can Hate Last?

It has been since the first of June since I have spoken, truly spoken to the Son. He still refuses to speak to me as I will not apologize for "fucking him over".  I really don't see defending myself and telling the truth as such but there you are.  I miss him desperately.  I want nothing for the best for him.  He has texted twice for money which I gave him and that may have been wrong but I did.

I spoke to his recruiter who has kept in touch with him and the Son did attend orientation and according to the recruiter, is planning on moving to the dormitory/apartment at the end of the month.  He spoke with the Son earlier on the day I called so that is some good news.  I texted the Son about what day he was planning on moving and he said he didn't know. I told him I wanted to send  him some money for sheets, etc. and to tell him about the items in storage for his move but he didn't text back. I hate this and I am hoping eventually he grows up but what if he doesn't? What if this is never straightened out?  I don't like not  speaking with the Son or what is going on in his life.  Although "ignorance is bliss" or at least that is what they say, it drives me a bit nuts.  Don't get me wrong, I would not have changed my decision to move and be with CC over any of this but I wish somehow the Son would have been mature enough to understand.  All he says he feels is abandoned and betrayed. Although this is manipulative, it does hurt regardless of what common sense tells me.

From what I understand, the Dad didn't help him get his car out of impound, he still hasn't paid any child support since March (I have started proceedings about that) and basically, doesn't do anything much for him. But the Son will talk with him. Somehow, there are some flaws in his logic.  Not about money but I have always been the one there for him time after time but yet he will still talk with the Dad and not me.  For some reason, one strike and I'm out.  Nothing that happens with him ever seems to make sense at least as far as I can tell.

I know I can't fix him and can't live his life and I definitely can't MAKE him see reason.  It doesn't mean I have to like it though.  It makes me so sad...

Independence Day

Well, I have been here in my FL home for three weeks.  Although I miss the Son desperately, my life has taken on a calm it hasn't had in a long time.  The stress level seems to have dropped.  (I hope that means my hair will quit falling out).  CC and I are really two peas in a pod. I don't think things with us could be much better.  We have this fit that is hard to explain but it's good.

We have been busy over the past week.  We refinished the 3rd bedroom. Changed hardware, painted doors, etc. It totally finished but it looks soooooo much better than it did before.  No popcorn on the ceiling, a nice paint, furniture, etc.  We are very happy with they way it turned out.

We went to the Dunedin Brewery on Sunday last.  It was a really neat place. They say they are the oldest craft brewery in the state.  (Old is 16 years... really?) They did have some very delicious beverages on tap. I had a refreshing Apricot Peach Ale.  It was a great combination and went down well. Awesome for a hot day.

Wednesday was Independence Day.  What does that mean?  Bacon explosion!  Yep, we made our bacon explosion, smoked on the grill.  YUM! YUM!  Later that evening we took off for Dunedin to catch the fireworks at the ballpark where the Blue Jays spring train.  They were nice, it wasn't overly crowded and we were home in 10 minutes.  You really just can't beat that.  Thursday I worked. We had so many people out I just couldn't

Waiting for the fireworks!

  take off.  I did manage to take off work today though.  We had a great day!  We slept in and then gathered up some towels, jumped in the car and took the girls to the dog beach.  DeSoto park in St. Petersburg has a dog beach where the dogs can run off leash and play in the water. The park is beautiful. The views in and out were tremendous. It was a wonderful trip.  The dogs had never been and we thought they would like the treat.  Daisy seemed to really enjoy herself.  Maddie, well she was okay with it while she was chasing other dogs but after that she seemed to be nervous. I think all of the water and activity really seemed to get to her.  We ended up not staying very long but we did have a great time.  We came home in time for lunch and a swim.  Napping while floating in the

On the drive into the park

Maddie finally went swimming!

Everybody's happy!!

On the way back across to St. Pete

pool is something to not underestimate.  It was extremely relaxing.  We barbecued some chicken for dinner and wrapped up our evening with a movie.  Fantastic day and now here comes the weekend!

It's the End of the World as We Know It

I don't really know about the end of the world, but a piece of me is really hurting. I have still not spoken to my son since the incident at the house.  I have sent text messages but have not received a response. I have called w/o answer.

I received a phone call early Sunday morning around 2am. It was a police officer stating the Son was pulled over and has had some alcohol. He was not drunk but it was underage consumption. He was looking for someone to come and get him so he would not have to take the Son to juvenile detention.  The officer stated the Son told him I was in Florida but the Dad and the Gigi did not answer their phones and he would need a call back with what relative could come and get him, otherwise he would be forced to take him in.

I began to scramble.  I "blew up" the Dad's phone.  Just called and called and called. Every time it went to VM I just hung up and called some more. I finally got through to Gigi (the Grandmother), who like me began calling the Dad.  I finally got through to the Dad and told him what was going on, gave him the number to call for information etc.  That was the last that I heard.

I had sent the Son a text, asking him to call me when he could, that I was able to get in touch with his Dad.  No word.  I tried calling a few times on Sunday, the phone went straight to VM.  Roger, a friend of ours that always helped the Son with his cars sent a text Sunday afternoon asking if I could call him as he was wanting some tools of his back that the Son had borrowed.  Namely, one of those scanner things with all the chips to do the electrical system of cars.  Now I know darn good and well those things are very very expensive.  I told Roger I had not spoken to him and he doesn't answer my texts.  He says that he stopped at the Son's employer to talk to him but that they changed his hours to 10a-6p because the Son couldn't seem to get to work on time. They also said that he has not been himself in quite a while.  Always saying that he is broke and asking if people want to buy some tools.

All of this makes me feel quite ill.  I have given him money for his portion of rent and utilities.  He is currently working full time and I give him an extra $150 with the rent, plus he just graduated from school and I sent $100 not to mention whatever else family and friends gave him for graduation.  I can't understand where all of this is going.  Does he not have enough sense to keep ANYTHING back for gas, etc.?  Is he selling other people's possessions?  Is he spending it all on alcohol and drugs? I have no idea and don't know what to think anymore.  I lost control over him a long time ago and he had zero respect for me then and even less now.  He quit taking his medication. The pharmacy called and stated it had not been picked up even though I sent him three messages it was ready and to use his insurance card and it would not cost him anything.  I just had the store restock it.

I don't even know if he went to the orientation at school.  I guess I really need to call and find out.  He needs to go. I don't know what he thinks he will do without an education regardless of how he feels about me.  I love him more than anything but I can't apologize for something that is not my fault nor I provoked which is what he wants.  How would that do any good?

I am so worried about him and I don't know what to do.  The Dad seems to believe everything that comes from the Son's mouth and is still hacked off about the incident at the house, that someone needs to "pay" for what was done to the Son.  What he doesn't do, however, is try to actually be a parent.  He  seemed all inconvenienced that I called in the middle of the night for him to go and get the Son 25 miles from his home. I get those calls and I do it, no questions asked.  I still can't figure out how I am such the villain in all of this.

Times change no matter how much we don't want them to. My Son was the best thing that ever happened to me so long ago. I never imagined all of this.  How can this happen when all you ever do is love them?  It's almost as if someone has died.  I grieve over all of this but I don't know what else to do.  He has to learn that everyone else doesn't have the world revolving around him as I did.  I only hope that he does and doesn't go through life continuing to make such poor choices.  I talked myself blue in the face over the past several months.  All I can do now is pray.

KitKat Has Left the Building...

Not really, I have left Indiana though.  I finally was able to pack up the last of my belongings and catch a flight out a week ago.  This is my second week of working out of my house in Clearwater performing the same job I have been doing for 7 years in an office.  Not much different from what I can tell.  I just can't spend as much time chit chatting.  No one but the dogs to chat with at the house.  CC was home quite a bit the first week and it was nice.  I'm sure this will work out fine.  As soon as I got off the plane we went to Ikea and bought my new office stuff.  Desk, file drawer, chair, etc.  We also got a new king size bed so we can finally get some sleep as the dogs take up a lot of room.  They were able to deliver it on Tuesday and it is all coming together nicely.

We have been working on one of the spare bedrooms, that is where the queen size bed will now be residing.  We have taken down the popcorn ceiling, painted, new lighting, painted trim and closet doors, etc.  It will be such an improvement over its previous appearance.  It's nice to have yet another room off of our list.  I guess the next thing will be to get the two sets of french doors installed on the entrances to the living room. (office and study).  We didn't need a formal living room and we definitely would need an extra bedroom more so I reside in the living room.  There is a lot of space for all of my stuff and the lighting is good.

Tropical storm Debby raised her PMS head over the weekend.  I think we got about 8 inches of rain.  The pool overflowed.  We had to drain some of it out yesterday.  Our electricity went out Sunday night. We didn't get it back until late Monday afternoon.  Overall though, it wasn't that bad.

I really haven't heard anything from the Son.  I send text messages that are informative but are never returned.  My heart breaks over the whole thing.  He thinks he is owed an apology for the entire incident with the final move and I just will not apologize to him for him putting his hands on me.  There is absolutely no excuse for that.  So, we are a crossroads.  I still do not know if he went to his college orientation. I hope he did.  He needs an education and I am more than willing to provide that to him if he is smart enough to take advantage of it.

I am very happy to finally be here, in my home after all of this time.  We bought the house a little over a year ago and it has been a long road in getting here.  It's a good thing!

Mixed Emotions and Thoughts

It has been an eventful 6 weeks or so since my last post.  I have rented my home in Indiana and my work is allowing my relocation to our home in Clearwater.  That is the good news.  But, my last post may have been a bit premature.

The Son is NOT happy about renting the house.  We had to be out by June 1 and he was extremely angry I "rented it without consulting him". He felt betrayed as I always talked to him about such things.  The house was for sale so I didn't equate it to anything different.  He wanted him and his buddies to rent.  HELL NO!  I told him there is no way that would happen.  He can't keep his room clean and stop punching walls.  That house would be worthless in months.  He blew up, etc.  Screaming.  Two more holes in walls and me on the ground.

He moved out, a week or so before the end of school.  He wouldn't let me find a place for him to live.  He is in an apt. with his friend and I pay for the cost so he can get used to being on his own for the 8 weeks until he goes to college in August.

I moved everything out of the house.  The Son is being a disrespectful jerk.  He didn't help move anything other than what he took to that apt.  I had Roger, a friend of mine and a car mentor to Morgan help as Roger had a car and multiple other things in the garages as well.  May 31 we finished the move.  I was helping the new tenants move some things in (they are friends).  The brother of the tenants and I were unloading a truck when the Son showed up.  Tangent time...  Roger said he had s/w the Son and told him off. Basically he came over to jump at me because he got made to feel bad.  Transference.  Kid gets in trouble and comes home to kick the dog.  I'm jut the dog.  He began screaming at me as the car of Roger's was still in the driveway (he was trying to get it towed out).  The Son is upset as it may begin to hail and it would be on the car.  Then he is screaming at the brother of the tenant to go in the house, none of his business.  I was trying to keep the Son out of the house.  He punched dents into the truck I had borrowed from my mother, kicked planters next to the garage shattering them.  He took a fuse out of the truck to disable and got in his car and screamed out of the drive...  He came back.  He continued.  I called the police and told him his behavior was unacceptable and he said fine he would wait for them. Then I informed him he would need to contact his dad to get him out as I was not going to.  He did.

While we were waiting, more yelling and screaming broke out.  I told him he was being a jerk and no wonder he had so many issues with his GF.  Then he lost it.  Had grabbed my arms and had me on the ground.  The brother of the tenant came outside and got him off of me and they rolled and the Son pinned him (the Son was a wrestler).  I finally got the Son to get off of him and then the cops showed up.

They took pics of my wrist where I was grabbed, (two veins had blown) and they took the Son to juvie.     Friday I received a call from the local hospital. Apparently the Son was complaining of some pain and I gave consent to treat and insurance information. Then I received a call from probation.  As the Son and I do not live together, they were going to shelve his time. I consented to allowing his father to pick him up.  They were going to release on Monday but I asked for late Saturday as the Son's graduation was on Sunday.  They consented.

The Son would not speak to me the date of graduation.  I was hassled earlier in the day by his father wanting the name of the tenant's brother as he said, "the Son's face and neck are fucked up and someone needs to answer for that".  His father also said, "the brother 'attacked a 17 year old boy.....'".
Really?  Number one, there would have been no need for any other involvement if the Son didn't attack me.  And since when is 8 weeks or so shy of 18 a "boy"?  The Son is full grown and the brother was doing the right thing.  I never did get an answer from the dad when I asked if the "right" thing to do was to watch me potentially be harmed even further.  After the display on the vehicle and the rage he was displaying, I was lucky to have the brother there.

The Son is still really crappy to me the time or two I have seen him.  Like I owe him an apology.  I have given that child everything and this is what I get and how I'm treated.

I am still going to put him through school.  He needs an education if he is to support himself.  I'll be able to sleep at night knowing I have done my best to raise him.

The good news is I leave for Florida for good on Sunday 17th.  I took my car down a few weeks ago and flew back and am using my mom's truck until I leave.  Work is going to be absolutely crazy next week but it will end on a great note.

I hope the Son seeks help.  I have tried for years to no avail.  He will be 18 at the end of August and then he goes to big boy jail if he cannot control himself.

Topic Change
Okay, that was a downer, moving on...
So, in preparation for my departure, I have been trying to wrap things up.  I have gotten the Son his own car insurance policy because I cannot carry him if we are not in the same household.  I made a MD appointment and got new prescriptions, blood work, etc. so I will have everything in order and can take my time finding a new physician.  I have a dental appointment on Monday for a cleaning which will get my by 6 months until I can find a new dentist.  I went for a color and cut yesterday so I can go another 8 weeks before worrying about finding a hairdresser.  I tried something new.  I colored my hair a bit closer to the roots.  Tangent time...  When I was about 30, my hair color began to change.  I always loved my auburn hair but it began growing out this disgusting dull ashy brown.  I HATE IT!!  If my hair was still the right color I could live with the grays I have but this brown is disgusting.  I was blonde for several years as no one could get it the right shade of red.  I found someone who came close and have been doing the red for a few years.  With the prospect of having to find someone new, I thought if I went to a rich brown with some warmth, I could have enough time to find the right person to do my hair. So, that is what I went with.  It's early morning and I look horrible but here it is:

I like it but I like red better.  I don't know if I can leave it this way but we will see.  I don't think CC will like it as much as he does red.  I told him he will just get to feel like he is getting some "strange" when I come home on Sunday.  LOL!  Seriously though, I am considering telling my hairdresser she will just need to fly to Florida every couple of months.  It has been a real bummer thinking of finding new doctors, etc.  The doctor I have here is great. Their office is so efficient and she doesn't rush you and is very caring.  I have been going to the same dentist office for about 16 years.  they are on the other side of Louisville but as you only HAVE to go every six months, I just make the drive because they are so great.  I just explained earlier about the hair so it's been kinda a sad prospect of finding great people all over.  Heck, the local gas station makes sure there is a fresh pot of dark bold coffee waiting for me when I arrive in the mornings. I have known those people forever too.

Don't get me wrong, I cannot WAIT to be with CC and begin our lives together in Clearwater.  I just never realized how even the small things like morning coffee can mean so much and be such a change. Change is good and I definitely need it.  It's scary and exciting all at the same time. Peppered with the sadness you feel about the wonderful people you leave behind.  My move to Indiana was due to cost of housing and good schools but somewhere along the line it became my home too, just like Louisville and it has taken me leaving to realize it.

I guess I should wrap this up.  Stay tuned for the new adventures of KitKat and CC!!