Worry, Worry, Worry

I am a worrier.  Hello my name is KitKat and I'm a worrier.  Is there a 12 step program for chronic worriers?  I worry about the son.  I worry about my job.  I worry about my family. I worry about my future, and I worry about CC.  Thank goodness I don't usually do them all at the same time.

Today's worry is CC.  He is the love of my life.  He has always been the man I was meant to be with.  When we are apart, it is like a piece of me has been ripped away and I am not right until we are together again.  I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me.  This is not the worry...

My worry stems from his past.  I have seen people do mean, hurtful and even cruel things to others before but nothing compared to what the ex-girlfriend has done to him.  I cannot imagine going through what he has been going through since they split or going through the things she put him through during their tenure together.  I appreciate the fact he believes in me enough to allow me to read his blog.  This does come with some drawbacks.  You don't just get the synopsis of a relationship and subsequent breakup, you get the actual play by play accompanied by the raw pain felt in each word.

I have known the pain of being wronged.  I know how it can weigh on your mind, how it can eat at your soul.  People like CC and me have a really hard time with it because we could never imagine doing what what done to us to others we supposedly cared about.  It is unfathomable.  He puts on a brave face.  I know he still hurts.  Every time he hears news of her it's like it picks a scab on a wound trying to heal.  He doesn't want to care or allow it to bother him but it does.  On some level I fear that he still loves her.  Not consciously, but in some weird way she still has a hold on him.  I don't know if it is due to how she continually messed with his mind until he became someone those of us who have known him in the past would have never believed he could have become or what.  He is trying to recover.  We talk about it because we talk about everything.  That is the kind of relationship we have.  Everything is fair game.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I think it is because we are friends before lovers.  It is something that defines our relationship and sets us apart.

I won't lie.  I hate the fact that she can still do this to him without being present.  She has done so much damage to him, he may never fully heal.  I resent the fact that she can cause me at times to question why he is with me. I know he loves me but sometimes (because of her) I wonder if it is all for the right reasons.  It sounds a bit silly but damn, I never thought that anyone could hurt someone as much as she has hurt him either so now everything is possible and fair game. He loved me at one time in our youth.  I knew it was for me.  Just me.  Nothing influencing it other than just our chemistry.  I hate that she has been able to take that away from me.  It may still be that way but she has cast a shadow of doubt that I now have to fight.  Apparently her evil is far outreaching.  Maybe I should start referring to her as the devil's spawn...

The distance between us is a reality and it doesn't help things out one bit.  The time each of us spends alone only gives him time to dwell on whatever tidbit has been passed on to him about her and allows me time to worry.  My confidence level isn't great anymore.  Our rekindled relationship is very young.  Just a bit over three months.  Again, I worry.  Not two months before we got back together he was in a place where he would have taken her back.  It doesn't matter they had been apart for several months, he still would have taken her back if she had said and did all the right things.  Not that I think she will do that but it just goes to show how deep the damage is and I really don't know if I will ever have him all to myself.  So I worry...

The Guilt Trip

They may call it a trip but it definitely isn't a vacation.  At least not one I've ever taken and I have taken the guilt trip many times...  Tonight is yet another journey into the teenage mind.  It is not for the faint of heart yet due to the fact I am a mom, I get to take it whether I'm willing or not...

I get to hear the usual, "I am not stupid, I won't do anything careless", etc. so on and so forth... Yet I am still paying bills for a car he tried to make a submarine out of and bills from a "school yard fight"...

He "tries".  He respects me. He loves me.  He always feels like shit because I make him feel that way.  He tries to earn my trust back over the past two months..  Funny....  Report cards came in the mail today and he had 5 F's, a D+ and a B....  Hmmmmm....

I don't ask for a whole lot.  Respect.  Do what I say. Grades.  That's it.  Bring me dirty clothes when I ask... If  I say we need to wait - wait.  It really is simple from my standpoint.  No drugs...  Don't let your friends do them here.  I don't pretend I control what they do but just don't do them here. 

I hear, "I can handle myself.  I'm not stupid.  Other people's parents BUY the alcohol and just take keys at the door.  They GET ALONG with THEIR parents...  Yeah, right...

I'm sure any teen that gets that from their parents are REALLY pushing the envelope.  Maybe I should consider myself lucky.  I can't imagine BUYING alcohol for my son and his friends.  MAYBE on his 21st birthday...  That would be about it.

The thing is...  I love my son.  I want to give him everything and do my damnedest to do just that.  All I want is some consideration.  Since when is that a one way street?

I got to watch him bloody his fist on the brick wall of the house.  Yell...  Get in my face...  Cry...  I got the five star guilt trip...  Gee...  Am I to feel special?  What ever happened to having remorse?  I think HE THINKS he is doing the right things and trying...  I just can't seem to convince myself of that.  It could be because I remember exactly what I did as a 15, 16, 17, etc. year old....  Hmmmm.....  Is it genetic?  I believe I was a bit more sly.  Maybe because technology wasn't as advanced... Maybe because as long as I was home at the designated time, whatever I did didn't matter.  I'm not sure.  I do know my parents didn't give me a grad party with alcohol not to mention ANY parties beyond the age of 10.  Any wrong doing I did was off of the household premises (other than sneaking boys into the house which is another story entirely)....  Does it make me a hypocrite or just a really smart parent that I know what exactly a 15 year old is capable of???

I worry myself sick over him.  I love him and that is the bottom line.  There is no changing that.  If I didn't, I wouldn't care.  But I care very much.  That, in itself, is my greatest downfall...  I just hope I don't make it the son's....

P.S.  I will never entirely stop smoking if this continues....  I try.  I do well for a time, sometimes months...  But it is the fallback I take when I just can't take anymore..  Please forgive me for being so weak...

I Love You.... Why?

#312:  Diet Cherry Limeade

#264:  Just thinking of CC makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.  I think I might glow!!

Working Naked

I went back to work Monday as I mentioned in my previous post.  Not too bad.  It gets better every day and I am getting around without any trouble.  Due to swelling, etc. I have not been wearing a bra under my clothes.  It is so weird going to work without one.  It feels like I'm going to work naked and makes me very conscious of it.  Almost paranoid, like everyone can tell...  Getting dressed is a bit of a challenge.  I have to wear a girdle and I am still swollen so finding clothing that fits over all of that is a bit difficult, not to mention disguising "the girls" hanging free from restraints. 

I went for my first post op visit yesterday.  The doctor said if I had a bra that would fit, I could wear it, just don't buy new ones as they will change as the swelling goes down.  As my goal was to keep them the same size, I tried some of those I owned and found one that fit!!  Yay!! No more working naked!  It seems like such a small thing but today I felt soooooo much better at work knowing I was dressed!

I Did It.

 I did it. I wanted to have this done for my 40th birthday but better late than never.  I am bruised but all signs show the procedures were a success.  The surgery took 5 hours to complete.  I am three days post op.  Getting around pretty well. I went to work today but left a bit early to lie down.  I needed a bit of pain medicine.  I don't know how people take that stuff and function.  It totally wipes me out.

CC has been wonderful.  He drove up Thursday night after work.  I was very excited to see him.  In the beginning, he didn't know if he was going to be able to get the day off to take me to the surgery center.  My bff Nici was to be out of town and I didn't know how I was going to get there and back.  Then, my parents called to say they wanted to come up from Florida, CC got his day off and Nici's vacation was cancelled so I went from no one to everyone being available to transport and care for me. Funny how things have a way of working out.  I am happy with the surgery results.  I'm still rather swollen but you can tell how everything will look.  I'm very glad I did it and am very thankful to have someone as supportive as CC in my life.

CC and parents were able to meet.  It went really well.  They seemed to like him a lot.  At least much better than anyone else I have ever dated.  They didn't meet him in the past because they had already relocated to Florida long before CC and I met.  It was good seeing the parents. I am glad they took the time to get away for a bit.  It has been really tough for them with the economy and they did just need to get away for a bit.  I hope it did them both some good. It was really good to see them.

The time has come....

Well, tomorrow is the day.  I am finally getting the maintenance work I have wanted since the age of 26.  I'm excited and a bit nervous.  CC is coming up to be with me this weekend.  I am hopeful it won't be too bad.  After the pain I endured before my fusion, it can't be that bad... Can it??

Weekend in Paradise...

Many may think of some far off tropical location in the Caribbean or the Pacific, waves lapping up on the shore, fruity frozen drinks with small umbrellas coming to you nonstop when someone mentions paradise.  Others may think of the view from a zip line, speeding through and above a tropical rainforest.  This weekend, my paradise was right here in southern Indiana.  I know, Georgetown Indiana is not the first place that enters the mind when one speaks of paradise.  But, I had a very relaxing enjoyable weekend right here, literally, in my own backyard.

I'm not usually one to spend a lot of time in the backyard.  I'm typically too busy running here and there, only spending the time necessary to cut the grass, never to enjoy the space.  This weekend CC came to visit.  As it was a long weekend, I got to enjoy more time with him than the usual weekend allows.  We discussed our options for activities this weekend and decided we would make a delicious dish shown on a television program a few weeks back, a Bacon Explosion.  This required some shopping.  First of all, I do not have a smoker, which, is how this is cooked.  We got up and out on Saturday excited about the prospect of having bacon wrapped in sausage wrapped in bacon and then smoked, for supper.  Who can say no to pork, the other white meat?  LOL!

We went to a few different places but ended up finding a smoker at Home Depot at a reasonable price.  The store was packed!  Memorial Day Weekend is apparently a big "do it yourself" weekend..  At any rate, we headed toward the car.  The attempt to place it in the trunk failed, so we made room to put it in the back seat.  While I was busy getting previous purchases shuffled, CC took the buggy and put it away.  We were off to make a few last minute purchases before going home.

I pulled into the parking lot of a neighboring store and realized I DID NOT HAVE MY PURSE!!  We searched the car and the trunk and decided we must have left it at Home Depot, the busiest store in the whole town!!  My purse, come to find out, was left in the front of the buggy when CC put it away.  My purse, happened to be Home Depot orange and must have blended well enough with the buggy he didn't notice it was there.  My purse was found by a store manager, who placed it in customer service which is where I was able to retrieve it.  WHEW! (Note to self, do not carry an orange handbag to Home Depot)..

With that crisis averted, we finished up our shopping and headed home.  CC worked on the smoker assembly while I worked on assembling the Bacon Explosion.  (We make a great team!).  With time on our hands, we sat outside, read, talked, drank a few beers.  The Bacon Explosion was awesome!  I don't think we could have done a better job with it.  After dinner, I tormented CC with Wii.  We played my favorite game, Rayman's Raving Rabbids.  I know he KNOWS I'm insane now...  Bless his heart, he still loves me!!

Sunday was a duplicate of Saturday with the exception we smoked a pork butt.  it was a thoroughly wonderful day.  Just able to relax and enjoy each other's company. 

This is my paradise...  Spending time with those you love.  Enjoying their company and doing things together.  We had an excellent time and didn't have to leave the house.  Just goes to show it isn't where you go and what you do, it's all about the company you keep that makes life great!

P.S.  I want to apologize for the lack of visual aids to the blog.  My laptop is on the blink and closes down the program whenever I try to attach one.  UGH!  :)