The Guilt Trip

They may call it a trip but it definitely isn't a vacation.  At least not one I've ever taken and I have taken the guilt trip many times...  Tonight is yet another journey into the teenage mind.  It is not for the faint of heart yet due to the fact I am a mom, I get to take it whether I'm willing or not...

I get to hear the usual, "I am not stupid, I won't do anything careless", etc. so on and so forth... Yet I am still paying bills for a car he tried to make a submarine out of and bills from a "school yard fight"...

He "tries".  He respects me. He loves me.  He always feels like shit because I make him feel that way.  He tries to earn my trust back over the past two months..  Funny....  Report cards came in the mail today and he had 5 F's, a D+ and a B....  Hmmmmm....

I don't ask for a whole lot.  Respect.  Do what I say. Grades.  That's it.  Bring me dirty clothes when I ask... If  I say we need to wait - wait.  It really is simple from my standpoint.  No drugs...  Don't let your friends do them here.  I don't pretend I control what they do but just don't do them here. 

I hear, "I can handle myself.  I'm not stupid.  Other people's parents BUY the alcohol and just take keys at the door.  They GET ALONG with THEIR parents...  Yeah, right...

I'm sure any teen that gets that from their parents are REALLY pushing the envelope.  Maybe I should consider myself lucky.  I can't imagine BUYING alcohol for my son and his friends.  MAYBE on his 21st birthday...  That would be about it.

The thing is...  I love my son.  I want to give him everything and do my damnedest to do just that.  All I want is some consideration.  Since when is that a one way street?

I got to watch him bloody his fist on the brick wall of the house.  Yell...  Get in my face...  Cry...  I got the five star guilt trip...  Gee...  Am I to feel special?  What ever happened to having remorse?  I think HE THINKS he is doing the right things and trying...  I just can't seem to convince myself of that.  It could be because I remember exactly what I did as a 15, 16, 17, etc. year old....  Hmmmm.....  Is it genetic?  I believe I was a bit more sly.  Maybe because technology wasn't as advanced... Maybe because as long as I was home at the designated time, whatever I did didn't matter.  I'm not sure.  I do know my parents didn't give me a grad party with alcohol not to mention ANY parties beyond the age of 10.  Any wrong doing I did was off of the household premises (other than sneaking boys into the house which is another story entirely)....  Does it make me a hypocrite or just a really smart parent that I know what exactly a 15 year old is capable of???

I worry myself sick over him.  I love him and that is the bottom line.  There is no changing that.  If I didn't, I wouldn't care.  But I care very much.  That, in itself, is my greatest downfall...  I just hope I don't make it the son's....

P.S.  I will never entirely stop smoking if this continues....  I try.  I do well for a time, sometimes months...  But it is the fallback I take when I just can't take anymore..  Please forgive me for being so weak...