I am a worrier. Hello my name is KitKat and I'm a worrier. Is there a 12 step program for chronic worriers? I worry about the son. I worry about my job. I worry about my family. I worry about my future, and I worry about CC. Thank goodness I don't usually do them all at the same time.
Today's worry is CC. He is the love of my life. He has always been the man I was meant to be with. When we are apart, it is like a piece of me has been ripped away and I am not right until we are together again. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. This is not the worry...
My worry stems from his past. I have seen people do mean, hurtful and even cruel things to others before but nothing compared to what the ex-girlfriend has done to him. I cannot imagine going through what he has been going through since they split or going through the things she put him through during their tenure together. I appreciate the fact he believes in me enough to allow me to read his blog. This does come with some drawbacks. You don't just get the synopsis of a relationship and subsequent breakup, you get the actual play by play accompanied by the raw pain felt in each word.
I have known the pain of being wronged. I know how it can weigh on your mind, how it can eat at your soul. People like CC and me have a really hard time with it because we could never imagine doing what what done to us to others we supposedly cared about. It is unfathomable. He puts on a brave face. I know he still hurts. Every time he hears news of her it's like it picks a scab on a wound trying to heal. He doesn't want to care or allow it to bother him but it does. On some level I fear that he still loves her. Not consciously, but in some weird way she still has a hold on him. I don't know if it is due to how she continually messed with his mind until he became someone those of us who have known him in the past would have never believed he could have become or what. He is trying to recover. We talk about it because we talk about everything. That is the kind of relationship we have. Everything is fair game. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I think it is because we are friends before lovers. It is something that defines our relationship and sets us apart.
I won't lie. I hate the fact that she can still do this to him without being present. She has done so much damage to him, he may never fully heal. I resent the fact that she can cause me at times to question why he is with me. I know he loves me but sometimes (because of her) I wonder if it is all for the right reasons. It sounds a bit silly but damn, I never thought that anyone could hurt someone as much as she has hurt him either so now everything is possible and fair game. He loved me at one time in our youth. I knew it was for me. Just me. Nothing influencing it other than just our chemistry. I hate that she has been able to take that away from me. It may still be that way but she has cast a shadow of doubt that I now have to fight. Apparently her evil is far outreaching. Maybe I should start referring to her as the devil's spawn...
The distance between us is a reality and it doesn't help things out one bit. The time each of us spends alone only gives him time to dwell on whatever tidbit has been passed on to him about her and allows me time to worry. My confidence level isn't great anymore. Our rekindled relationship is very young. Just a bit over three months. Again, I worry. Not two months before we got back together he was in a place where he would have taken her back. It doesn't matter they had been apart for several months, he still would have taken her back if she had said and did all the right things. Not that I think she will do that but it just goes to show how deep the damage is and I really don't know if I will ever have him all to myself. So I worry...
I think you've somehow overlooked a HUGE thing here...
ReplyDeleteDESPITE how badly he has recently been hurt,
DESPITE how he had declared himself damaged goods and ruined for all future relationships,
DESPITE how he'd predicted that trust will never again be an easy thing to come by for him,
DESPITE how bitter he remains in general (and slightly jaded, too) about this area of schtuff,
DESPITE predictions that he didn't see himself with another woman for a long, long time if ever again because he just couldn't subject himself to vulnerability and hurt again,
DESPITE his resolve to shelter his generosity so it couldn't be taken advantage of by anyone else...
...it took him, what, 2 days? to fall (back) in love with you. You guys are right. And he even saw that through all his red-lensed hurt and anger. You're not another girl or a rebound girl, you are THE girl and he couldn't put the brakes on this emotionally if he tried (and maybe he did try a little, in the beginning, but quickly smartened up). You are THE exception to the rules of his life, you always were, as you can see because the other women he met after the breakup couldn't break through to him or be for him what you simply were without even trying, which is the sun that melts the snow of the crappy existence he had found himself in shortly before you looked his way again.
Sorry if this sounds cheesy; I spent a lot of time talking him through his pain, anger, loss of self, etc., and I watched this happen. So I know it to be true.
Thanks Cin. It's not cheesy. It does make sense. It has made me feel better. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, good. =) Maybe you can use it as a reminder the next time you start questioning things you have no reason to question.
ReplyDelete