The Fat Lady has Sung

I talked to former BF yesterday. I was at a friend's having dinner. I should have never answered their phone. It was him. He has been doing home improvement projects and had been drinking. Which, as a general rule is fine but he decided now would be a good time to whip out the soap box and tell me all of the things he has pent up inside.

I was on the phone for a good 30-40 minutes being run down the road by someone who is very hurt. Yes I did the hurting but I had tried to make it a very clean break, no back and forth, just end it kind of thing. Like ripping off a bandage quickly instead of inching it off. Apparently, it doesn't work with some people. I let him vent, didn't fight back, just took it. If not, the conversation would have gone on for hours. It hurt to know how bad he has been hurting, but I cannot change the fact that we would not have worked. I finally got off of the phone and went home (dinner was over by that point).

Sometimes you can love people but it still doesn't work out. He said if you really love someone you stick with them. This is true in most circumstances. The world is full of gray. Nothing is black and white. Well, except him. I wish life could be that simple for me but it is not. everything in this world has a caveat. Exceptions to rules. Sometimes you have to let go of people you love and care about for the good of you both.

The fat lady has sung, the sun has set on that chapter of my life. I wish him well and hope he finds the love and happiness he seeks. He is a wonderful man who deserves to be happy.

Have I Told You Today that I Love You?

CC is everything to me. Bless his heart, he drives for hours to see me.. Brings his dogs in tow. I know he hates to drive but he gets in his car anyway to come and see me when I can't drive to see him. It may not be but 2.5 to 3 hours in distance but for some people, just across town is enough of a pain to keep some people from dating. He just left this morning to go home. (It was a long weekend for him). We have never known anything other than long distance dating. Now or when we dated previously. I don't know why I am still amazed but I am. I do not take it lightly he comes to see me or is even willing to entertain our relationship in the state that it is due to the distance. I know long distance is the last thing he wanted. Even more so, moving anywhere north of his current location is contrary to any future plans he has ever had... BUT... He is still looking to take a job closer to me. I don't know what I have done to deserve such a wonderful man but I am damn glad to have him and will love and cherish him as long as he will let me.

Whatever Happened to the Girl I Used to Know?

The older that I get, the more opportunities I have for self-reflection. I review past events with friends, reminisce over old photos when cleaning out a closet, and I stare at myself in the mirror wondering where all the time went. As I look I notice a new wrinkle, maybe a gray hair or lament over the fact that my figure just ain't what it used to be. As of late, newer thoughts have begun creeping into my conscious thought. Feelings of insecurity... Where does that come from?????

I have never been one to worry about what others think. I have never been one to put much stock in such nonsense. But as of late I can't help but see my reflection from a different vantage point than I ever have before. All kinds of things seem to be catching my attention... Moreso than ever before. The exta pounds that seem so much more difficult to keep at bay the older I get for a start. What is up with that. I have been "tiny" most of my life... Larger than life but "tiny". Now I feel like a beached whale.

I never had a doubt in what anyone I have ever dated felt about me. After my marriage, and subsequent divorce, however, I can't seem to get that feeling of security back again... It's getting to be a bit crazy now....

How is it we can be on top of our game for years and then without realizing it, can have our self assurance taken right out from under us? It isn't fair... What happened to me? The girl I used to be?

Derby Fever - It's Official

It is a beautiful day in Louisville. Today is the official start of the Kentucky Derby Festival. Thunder over Louisville is today. There are jet aircraft flying all over the place during the afternoon and this evening will be the biggest fireworks display in the country. It's awesome - for people who can tolerate crowds. Me? Not so much. I'm keeping my butt home. Safer for all involved.

Son has been working on that Jeep all week. It has only taken about $140 worth of parts so in the whole grand scheme of things, we are good. I think the carpet is ruined in it though. I will need to look at ordering some. There is a Jeep dealer by the office, I need to make a note to stop in. I've been really worried about Son. Lately he has been going from one extreme to another. Happy, mad, sad, crying. Changing like the wind. I have made him an appointment with a psychiatrist. I am afraid he is bipolar. I just need to get some peace in this household. Mood changes more often in this house than in an all girls boarding school.

This weekend has really been a bummer. I am spending a CC free weekend. :( It makes it kinda lonely. I will get to see him next weekend though. :) Derby events abound next weekend. There is the mini marathon on Saturday, the balloon race. Germantown-Schnitzelberg Beer Fest is Saturday as well. I think we will have a really great weekend! I hope the weather holds out. I don't think I can do 13 miles in rain... Ginger (the dog) and I are hanging at the house. I really need to do laundry and pick up a bit but haven't had the energy or gumption to do it. I'm typically not lazy but for some reason, it seems to be the thing to do today. I guess I'm either in a bit of a funk or just feel rebellious. F#%K you laundry! Ha! Ha!

I went to see a surgeon on Friday. I am going to get the girls put back where they go. I am so tired of gravity and its horrible effects. I know everybody and their cousin has an opinion on it and whether it is good or bad. I have wanted to have this done since I was 26 so it isn't as if I didn't give it thought. I am tired of having a chest that looks at my shoes. They are so bad I can't wear certain types of tops and pj's. So.. If for some reason anyone reads this, I don't need negative feedback as my mind is made up and it will make me feel so much better. There... I have gotten defensive proactively. Saves time on the back end... CC is going to make sure to be here for the surgery and to take care of me post op. He is so good to me! But it really isn't anything new is it? He has always treated me like a queen. I don't feel like I deserve it but I won't argue...

May will be here in a couple of weeks. CC told the travel agency he would be ready to accept assignments beginning in May. I hope they can find him something here. That would be great! If it's Tampa, well.... I can fly just as easy as drive. Maybe take Son and one of his friends with for small vacations. I just want to start on our future. Son takes precedence. But, once he is grown and out of school..... I have told Son I will be selling the house and going condo. This 1.5 acres is getting out of control. I hate taking care of all of this plus mom's and grandma's places. that is almost 30 acres total. I am woman and I am tired.......

When Did Manners Become Extinct?

Where? I look for them everywhere. I don't know if it is my own personal attitude that keeps me from noticing but today it seems that rudeness was running rampant across the city. Everywhere I went, people were rude. Rude to me, rude to each other. No one says please. No one says thank you... Where were they raised? So much for the South today. Today was overrun with selfish angry people. Miss Manners would be so disappointed.

My Weekend

Now that I have had a night's rest I can write the entry I intended to...

Saturday morning I drove to see CC in Nashville. (I have decided to use initials instead of a pet name. For some reason, I can't think of a clever moniker and pet names are personal). It was a beautiful day and other than a small bit of road construction, very uneventful. I received a warm greeting at the door from the dogs and CC. After visiting a bit we decided we were hungry and went downtown to get something to eat. We went to a "gourmet Mexican" restaurant. It was Mexican but with ingredients one would not expect to find in Mexican food. Portobello mushroom and goat cheese in enchiladas, etc. They made guacamole at the table and it was excellent! Margaritas were tasty as well! We even had dessert too. I normally can pass the dessert tray but they had this apple pie, they put on a hot skillet with brandied butter and cinnamon ice cream. Wow! Had to have some of that so we split it. Yummy!

Did a bit of shopping at the pro shop for the Predators. That stuff is expensive! We (He) bought two hoodies and a cami and it was a small fortune. Oh well, they are great hoodies...
The afternoon was a lazy one of cocktails and cigars, kicking back on the deck just enjoying the sunshine.

Had a short nap and then got ready for the game. It was the last home game of the regular season for the Predators. I have always liked hockey but the ability to see it live at the arena makes it sooo much more enjoyable. I may become an addict!  We won the game in overtime!

Came home after the game and just relaxed a bit before bed.  Next day had breakfast before heading home.  It was a fabulous 24 hours.  We always make the most of the time we spend together. It seems we have always had a long distance relationship but I'm hoping that will change in the near future. He is working on getting closer to me as my son is still in school, but I did tell him I'm willing to move to Nashville or wherever after Son is out of school.  I don't want to be without him. I have for a long time and we are due our time.

My son is the poster child for birth control

I was only gone one night. Just one. I had someone stay at the house and with the kiddo while I was gone to Nashville. Why is it always something with my son?

Friday night. Son and friend announce they will be doing some night fishing at friend's grandparent's place. I was home, no worries. I used my family map service on my phone to verify he was where he said he was. No problem right? Wrong... I leave for Nashville Saturday morning. My friend shows up here at the house early that afternoon. Son is already home. Apparently there was trouble during the fishing expedition.

Friend lets Son drive his Cherokee around on some trails on the property. Some along creekbeds etc. My son has a permit, no license and there isn't an adult in sight. He has never driven on these trails and has only visited this place once in his life. He rides along a creekbed and dumps the truck into a very deep spot in this "shallow" creek. That ends up killing the motor immediately. Water is filling up the driver's side floorboard, etc. The friend's stepdad comes and pulls the vehicle out because it is very stuck and tows it to MY HOUSE!!!!! So, here I am with a car in my drive that doesn't run. They have pulled the seats, carpet etc. out of it to get it to dry and make sure no mold or smell starts in the car. Of course, I don't find any of this out until Sunday afternoon when I get home. My friend called me to tell me about it so I didn't have some sort of heart attack when I came home.

Well, he is on home incarceration for six weeks, no friends, no going out etc. He will be going to my mothers house every weekend to do chores for her. She always has a boatload of things on her to do list so she should be able to keep him busy. He will work off the money in indentured servitude. I don't know what else to do with him.

History - Son was in a fight at school in February. They have a zero tolerance thing for bullying which includes fighting. So... The school resource officer arrested him and took him to juvie. This was in February. He was given a year in Dept. of Corrections that will be served out if he violates a year probation set upon him. We also have court costs, the other child's medical bills etc. Plus counseling etc. So in a matter of three and a half months, he has cost me a small fortune in BS payments.

What in the hell am I suppose to do? His dad is laughable. I mean really.. He can't do anything and is too lazy to even try. There is just me... I can't quit my job to stand over him and make him make the right decisions. I had a wonderful Saturday with my boyfriend (Still need a name here) but will write about it later. My dealings with the Son has exhausted me.

What is Blogging?

Okay, so I'm new at this. I have recently begin dating a man who keeps a blog. Has for a couple of years or so. He gave me the link so that I could read what he has been up to. (We dated many years ago and have recently reconnected but that is another story). It seems like a good way to get out your thoughts, maybe someone reads them or maybe not. Reminds me of keeping a diary when I was young except typing is much faster. I really enjoyed it when I was in school so I thought I would check this out and see how it goes... (Be warned, my grammar and sentence structure is weak and I have a tendency to ramble).

I guess to do this properly, a bit of history is in order. Otherwise it's like trying to pick up in the middle of a movie. I'm a divorced mother of a 15 year old boy who is aging me in dog years. (My son is from a relationship prior to my marriage). Son's father is very "disappointing". My son won't visit him, he acts like he wants to parent but always falls short on the simplest things. Nothing has changed since we were together so many years ago.

I am currently dating a man who I previously dated while in college. We dated off and on for quite a few years. I can honestly say no one ever loved me like him. He is perfect now and was perfect then. At least for me. I was too thick and arrogant to realize it at the time.

Twenty years have passed since that time. He found me on FB. I was very reluctant to do the whole FB thing but a coworker convinced me it would be a good idea so I made it a New Years resolution in 2008 I would try it. I am very glad I did. At the time he found me, we were both in relationships. I will attempt to speak for both of us that neither were as satisfying as we would like. We talked briefly, like many of us do when we reconnect with someone on a social networking site. How you been? Have any kids? etc. Small talk and move on. His relationship dissolved, apparently she decided he wasn't what she wanted anymore. Bless his heart he was really torn up. (I read the blog, remember?)

We comment on an occasional post, again, really small stuff. One night I asked to call as the conversation we were having was really too much for text. It was almost as if no time had ever passed at all. It was really good to talk to him and I think we were glad to rekindle our friendship.

Meanwhile, on the homefront... My relationship was slowly but surely deteriorating. My son is "a handful". Always in trouble, terrible grades etc. Has a good heart (I know all mothers say that but it's true), but likes to think that he has the world by the tail and can do what he wants. I do what I can to control it but can't quit my job to stand over him all day long. My then boyfriend (Past BF) and my son did not get along and it was like leading two separate lives. My son got into some trouble that make me realize he needed me to stand over him more than I was. Well, the only thing to do was to cut out the boyfriend (Past BF). I cared for him a lot but having someone intensely dislike your only child and not being able to have them in the same room was making it impossible to be a mother and a significant other. Both jobs I was doing poorly. I had to break it off to spend the time at home. He didn't like it but said he understood.... (Hmmm. Doubt it but took him at his word).

All through this I had vented my woes to the man I am currently seeing. I know, I know, it sounds like I left one for the other but really, it wasn't like that. Past BF and I had to end. It was killing me living the way I had been for the past two years. My current BF ( I need a name for him, this one stinks) and I didn't really mean for any of this to happen it just sort of did. He was still smarting a bit from his relationship and I just finished one to spend more time with my son. Another relationship really was not on the agenda. But.....

It happened. I think we both realized we still had feelings for each other. I was invited to come to Nashville to visit and go to a hockey game. As it was during my son's spring break, I didn't see the harm. We decided to meet for just a day trip before the long weekend, just to be sure. (I didn't want him to decide I wasn't what he expected and then be stuck with me for four days). We met midway between Nashville and Louisville. That happens to be the location of Mammoth Cave National Park. We decided it really was a good thing during that day. From the moment I saw him, I knew.


Moving forward to now, we have been seeing each other on weekends for over a month. I couldn't be any happier than I am now. He is exactly the same as he was from the very first time I met him. He treats me like a queen and I do the best that I can to reciprocate. He does so much for me and now I am old enough to appreciate all he does and has ever done.

He is trying to move closer to me. I can't move, not while my son is still in school. I have told him I will sell the house and move but only once the son turns 18. (I will need something to call him as well). He is okay with that so here we are.

I'm leaving in the morning for Nashville. My best friend is house/kid sitting for me so that we can go to the Predators last home game. (Current BF has season tickets). I really like hockey and so enjoy the games.

Going to bed now. Hmmm. This might be good for me. I'm not sure anyone would ever want to read this but me, but who knows?? Night! KitKat