What Do I Say?

Hmmmm..  I got settled down on the couch and thought there was a topic/thought in my head, but now I am here, I have absolutely no idea what I was going to blog about.  Of course, I don't know why it surprises me, I do that kind of thing all of the time.  I have forgotten what I walked into a room for so many times I have started to leave and come back automatically.

I don't know if it happens to anyone more than me other than someone with Alzheimer's.  Sometimes I think I am losing my mind.  I have no idea what CC thinks about it.  I don't know if he notices or if he just chalks it up to my quirkiness.  It doesn't bother me most of the time except when I am in a hurry.

Why is it when you are in a hurry, (nothing unusual except getting up a few minutes late), your whole routine goes to hell?  Yesterday was one of those days for me.  I got a bit of a late start, nothing earth shattering.  I took my shower and all the normal stuff to get ready to go to work and for some reason, I forgot EVERYTHING!  First it was my keys, then it was my coffee, then it was my lunch (which happened to be sitting right next to my purse which I did not forget).  I mean really?  I got in and out of the car so many times you would think I was the Maytag repairman doing testing on a dryer door... Ok, tangent time, does anyone get that but me?  It was an old commercial and sometimes I remember everything obscure but nothing important.  At any rate, I just couldn't seem to get it together.  Then, as I was driving into the office, I darn near missed my exit.  Not because of extreme traffic (there is no such thing at 0530 in Indiana), but because I was off in space somewhere.

I don't think I'm brain dead.  I didn't do drugs in college. I had a good time but did it the old fashion way with alcohol and lots of parties.  I wasn't dropped on the head as a small child.  No major car wrecks or physical abuse.  I would say it's bad genetics but we have decently intelligent people on both sides of the family.  Besides, even the not so smart ones aren't forgetful, they are just intellectually challenged.

I don't have any idea what it could be other than getting old.  YIKES!!!  Old should be a four letter word because it is so disgusting.  Right up there with 'work' and 'diet'.  Tangent time...  Did you ever notice that the word 'diet' has the word "die" inside?  Just thought I would point that out.  


Maybe the Son has caused it.  Maybe dealing with his issues and drama is frying my brain cells.  Sounds plausible...  I may have to go with that, it's all I got.

I Owe, I Owe - Back to Work I Go

Today was the first day back after the Christmas holiday weekend.  As per my usual tradition, all remnants of Christmas are gone.  Tree, decorations, nativity set, wrapping paper, etc. is gone.  Just a few stray cookies are left and I am sure the Son and his swarm of locusts will make short of that over the next day or two.

Returning to work was almost a relief.  The holiday wasn't much to talk about.  The Son received money and he got it in November.  CC is in Florida and was on call.  He worked about 16 hours over the weekend.  My mother and grandmother are pretty low key.  I visited on Sunday.  So... For family, that about does it.  Not much to speak of.  No rushing from family member to family member here.

Reality has struck.  After months of paying on two houses, the bills from the homes and the extra the Son has caused over the past several months is about to do me in.  Money has been going out faster than we can keep up with.  I currently will have zero dollars in the bank until January 6.  Don't get me wrong..  I have heat, food, etc.  But all of the Son's hospital and car bills and basically just funding him on top of all of the travel back and forth has really put a strain on our budget.  Well...  non-existent budget.  It's hard to maintain a budget the way things have been going.

So, I need to sit down and figure out just what I have going where.  I guess wrapping up the end of the year with an inventory of what is what isn't such a bad thing.  Everything has been such a whirlwind as of late that I don't even know what I owe and to who anymore.  Is that not the saddest thing?  It's hard to talk to the Son about budgeting money and here I am, totally overwhelmed.

I need to take a step back, evaluate everything, determine where it is going, what can be cut out, etc.  I have already cut out most of my "maintenance".  Waxes, nails, pedi's, that kind of thing.  I still get my hair colored.  I don't want to give that up.  I will age about 10 years in 6 months with all of the gray everyone would be able to see.  We have basic cable as reception without it is non-existent.  We do have Internet access.  That is needed for schoolwork and my sanity.  Also, in case of snow I work from home and would need it.  We stopped the newspaper a long time ago.  I have stopped buying soda as the Son and his friends go through it if it is here.  I just make tea.  If they are thirsty, they will drink it.  I have been cutting out the housekeeper seeing as I don't do anything on the weekends anyway.  Thank goodness we still aren't having to have someone cut the grass now that it's winter.

I talked to my realtor today.  I asked if they were any closer with their property management business line at her company and she said no.  She said she is getting very frustrated with them.  She is interviewing with other places.  I will probably FSBO the house, and also advertise to rent.  First one to get here wins.  We can't keep this up. I have posted the house on CraigsList hoping to catch someone who is just out there browsing.  If I FSBO I can drop the price some.  I'm sure that will help immensely.

I plan on spending next Monday preparing everything for my taxes.  I will have it together and sorted so at the end of January I can go straight to the accountant.  Hopefully I will have my refund by the end of Feb/first of Mar.  I should also get my bonus in mid March.  We just need to hold on that long.

The job hunt has really slowed down.  I have applied for several positions and according to their websites I am still in the running but the issue is the time of year.  Everyone stops the hiring process during the holidays.  I am hopeful it will begin to pick up again in a week or two.

I can tell it is beginning to bother CC about all of this debt.  It bothers me too.  He is just usually very financially "together".  Me too actually.  This is throwing us both off a bit but we will make it work.

On A Positive Note...

Here is the FaceBook message I got from CC this morning:

I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true


And here is my response:


You are my soulmate, the other half of me. You always have been but I was too blind to see it in our youth. Although physically we're apart this holiday, I feel you with me in my heart. You fill my life with love, joy, and laughter. I can't imagine spending it with anyone but you. Merry Christmas!


I love CC with all of my heart and I believe we were made to be together.  I know we are apart today and  will be for a couple more but I feel his constant presence in my heart giving me strength and courage. 


Merry Christmas to You my CC, you are the light of my life!

Christmas

It's Christmas.  I'm here and CC is there in FL.  It hasn't been an awful day.  The Son seems happy and so there is peace in the house.  No presents to open here so there is no Christmas excitement or spirit to speak of in the house.

The Son left to go to his father's side of the family for Christmas and I went to see my mother and my grandmother.  My grandmother had been in the hospital recently  for a severe drop in her blood sugar and has been released but is staying with my mother.  My mother is a bit of a pack rat bordering on hoarder and it isn't the greatest place to be.  I believe my grandmother said it made her feel "anxious".  I confess, it does me too.  I asked my mother if she missed counter space and she said "she is used to it".  Hmmmm.

There are too many other battles to fight within my family.  Grandma lives on a 23 acre farm.  Mom lives on 2-3 acres in Doe Valley on a lake.  The problem is most of the property is wooded and the house is on a huge hill.  She cannot take care of the inside much less all of the outside so basically it is an overgrown mess.

The farm is about 7 acres of cleared land and 16 acres of woods/pasture.  Generally all of the maintenance and upkeep on both places is done by me.  I also have my own place to take care of.  It is very much a full time job.  Somehow I get at least the bare minimum done.

The point of it all is neither of them need to be living in these type of places as they cannot even begin to take care of them.  If you have trouble walking to get your mail, chances are you are living in the wrong place.  I have tried for two years to tell them I will be moving and to please sell the homes.   I have told them they can move to Florida and live with me, they can buy a home close by, they can move into something a bit smaller without landscape work in the same area but they didn't need to own so much land.  Of course, it all falls on deaf ears.  I think my grandmother is more inclined than my mother.  As my grandmother is Filipino, the weather in Clearwater is reminiscent of how winters are in the Philippines.  This Midwest stuff is really for the birds.  The problem is, she will not leave my mother and my mother will not begin to get rid of her "treasures".  So... Here we are, another Christmas with barely places to sit, small paths to walk through and stubborn people unwilling to change.

I'm numb to it by now.  I have convinced myself that all I can do is try and if they do not take me up on it, well, it's beyond my control.  I love them both dearly but this holiday the frailty of them both really has brought their mortality to the forefront.  I do not want them living their lives in that mess.  I know they are happy and they are not "hoarders in the typical sense.  No food, junk on the floor, just organized piles of things they haven't seen in a long time.  If I saw bugs, it would be a totally different issue but it seems okay health wise right now.

I am happy they are both with me this holiday and I know there won't be many more. I just wish I could do more to help but the situation is so overwhelming.  Unless they decide to do something, there isn't much I can do.  I just really hope I don't inherit all of their "treasures"..

Better Late than Never

For anyone who was interested, I never got around to posting the pictures of our home in Clearwater and the renovations. Here are a few:

All's Quiet on the Southern Indiana Front...

Well, so far so good.  No breakdowns or other major drama going on here tonight.  I don't really know how these kids work but everything seemed almost normal when I arrived home from work today.

I left work at noon due to the holiday.  I went to the mall to get the Son some clothes.  Not for Christmas but because he really needed some.  Anyway, they were having excellent sales at Aeropostale and Hollister so he got a bunch for a little.  I did find a scarf for his GF and also a t-shirt at a low price and felt pretty good about it all.  I got him a cheap phone to replace the other.  I know, I shouldn't indulge him since he treats his phones as disposable but it was a GO phone, nothing fancy at all and I have to have a phone for him so I can find him.  

I got home around 2pm.  He seemed fine.  I gave him his things and then he left to visit his father with the notion of getting some money from him.  I sure hope he can.  I have paid the mortgage and the electric bill plus the clothes and have little to nothing in the bank for another two weeks.  UGH!

I hope this peace can last through the weekend.  Turmoil is a holiday killer.

Holy Crap!

I think the Son and the GF are at it again. His hands are all torn up. I have no idea what he has been hitting.  I just watched him beat the crap out of his bed.  He is angry and hurt and I can understand that but he has absolutely no control.  He screams, not at me or really anyone but more like a release.  I so worry about him but I don't know what to do.  He trashed that little phone.  Now he sees why I won't buy another of any quality. It's pointless.  When he is like this he doesn't listen. It's awful to watch.  He was crying when he was downstairs with me. I can't imagine how it must be to have so much bottled in and no release.  It doesn't excuse his behavior but one would think he would embrace help when it is provided to him. I don't know.  It will be a long hard road for him especially with women.  This is his first real love and I knew this would happen when it fell apart.

He has anger issues as it is and this is something well beyond anything he has ever experienced.  I don't know how to help him. I wish I did.  I have tried taking him to therapy, had him in a treatment facility.  Once he calms down, he is actually quite lucid, sane, etc.  You would never know he had this in him.  I have known since he was small but for the most part he has always been pretty happy go lucky.  Is there a rock bottom to hit when you have anger issues?  What is it that will make someone seriously seek treatment instead of being forced by a parent or court?  He seriously needs some coping skills but when he is calm, he blows it off and doesn't feel that he has a problem.  Kind of like an alcoholic or drug addict.  Nothing is wrong....  I'm scared it will get him killed one day.  If not by an other's hand, by his own.  He scares me to death driving a car.  All of that pent up anger taken out on a car?  Our roads are extremely curvy, two lane things that have taken more than a few lives.

Apparently this whole incident has been going on all day.  He called the GF when he was in the car with me and lost his mind, screamed, threw the phone in the floor and began beating on his leg. (Probably because he couldn't beat the dash like he did in his car).  I couldn't tell anything from the 45 seconds of call I heard.  He asked where she was or has been and he started to yell (or be extremely loud) about something like she needed to use her head, she is not always right.  Then he yelled to listen a few times then hung up the phone and that is when the screaming started.  He was so red in the face and the veins in his neck were popping out.  I don't know what is going on between them but they need to be on or off.  This dimmer switch of hot and lukewarm is starting to wear on my nerves.  No wonder my hair is falling out.

He continues with the suicide/wanting to die talk.  It has gotten to the point to where a person can become almost numb due to hearing it so often.  Some may say he is reaching out but I reach back and get nothing.  I guess it all sounds good and maybe it's manipulation, maybe it's serious.  I don't know.  All I know is that anytime he is distressed he talks about it or that he would just die, etc.  He has for years. A cry for help it may be but I have tried to talk to him, be a sounding board, etc. I have gotten him professional help 3-4 times all to no avail.  What else is there? The last place I had him I thought they should medicate him and keep him for at least a month.  They only kept him for 2-3 days and then sent him home on a multi-vitamin.  Really?  That's all you got?  I was disgusted.  When I talked to one of my social workers at work, she did not have anything good to say about the place he was in or for the doctor he saw while he was there.  So, where do you go to get someone to take you and your son seriously?  I've tried.  Every time I would try to get him in somewhere there was always a 6-8 week wait for an appt.  Whatever happened to striking while the iron was hot?  It makes absolutely no sense to me.  That is like having appendicitis but being told they can't do surgery for two months.  Get real here people.

I see three options in his future. The first but most unlikely is that he will eventually see that he needs help and will seek it.  The second is that he will get some doormat for a wife/girlfriend and will make her life a living hell, being on a roller coaster all the time.  The third is that this will culminate in him getting himself killed.

I'm Fat

Well, as I mentioned a few posts ago, the verdict is in, all the lab tests are normal, I'm just fat.  Well, fat, losing my hair, etc.  The doctor couldn't find anything else to explain it.  She has given me some medication to jump start some weight loss.  Currently with my arthritis, it's difficult to really exercise much in this cold, wet weather.  We have had a lot of rain for this time of year but better rain than snow.

I have been on this medication for a little over a week.  No big strides in weight loss.  I will say however, this stuff doesn't make you jumpy or anything.  I'm just never hungry and I don't sit around and think about food.  Heck, I had an entire tray of cookies brought to me today as a gift from a coworker and I didn't even have the urge to eat one.  Nothing really sounds good.  So, the medication is good.  I just hope I can get some results.  We shall see.  I'm only suppose to be on it for a month, maybe two.  I am hopeful I can begin some sort of exercise program without killing my joints.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Living Apart Makes a Person Crazy...

Just when I thought that things were at least in a rut and I had a grip on all that was going on, here comes Christmas.  What do you get a person that can buy whatever it is they want? (Within reason)....  I'm always stumped as to what to get CC for gift giving occasions.  I definitely don't want to get something he may potentially go out and get on his own..  I don't want to buy socks, ties, shoes....  That is boring and really a necessity which to me takes it out of the gift giving selection process all together.

Blue Without You

My original thought for Christmas was to buy him a piece of Blue Dog art by George Rodrigue.  I found out rather quickly my taste far exceeds my budget.  I am posting the prints that caught my eye.  I wanted to purchase one of them.  BUT, when I found out what a single print cost, I almost choked.  I was really bummed out too because I had found a couple with some meaning.  "Blue Without You" is exactly what it says.  I am extremely sad without my CC with me and it would be a great representation of how I feel.  The next picture is of the train "City of New Orleans". This train runs from up north all the way to New Orleans.  If you have read some of my past blogs, you will know CC and I took a vacation, flew to Chicago to catch this very train and ride it all the way to NOLA.  It was a fantastic vacation. It was on this particular trip we discovered Blue Dog.  (There was one hanging in our room at the B&B).  BUT, again WAY to pricey and there I was stuck without an idea of what to get CC for Christmas.  As we are apart so much, I have a lot of time to sit and ponder.  

Lonesome Whistle Blues

It took me 5 months to decide on his birthday gift last year and this time I only had 2.  I searched and searched on the Internet. Looking for something to jump out and say "This is it!".  I happened upon a website for NOLA Pet Portraits.  After looking at the artwork on the website, I decided I would go for it.  The artist is Kd Amond.  We exchanged several e-mails during which time I sent a multitude of pictures of Maddie and Daisy.  Then I waited...and got nervous...and waited.  Earlier this week she sent a picture of the portrait for my approval and I was so happy with the way it turned out. See below:

Maddie and Daisy

I wish I would've been there to see CC open the box but well, I'm here and he's there..  So, I told him his present was coming and to look for it. To open it right away and let me know he got it.  The bummer of the whole deal is when you can't see someone open a gift, it's hard to tell if they really like it.  I hope he isn't disappointed.

It won't be long though until I am on my way back to Florida. I fly out on the 30th and will be there for the new year.  We just spent a fantastic weekend in Nashville but I am always so anxious to be with him again.  The living apart is really starting to take its toll.  Not on our relationship, that is really solid but on my nerves.  I just don't like being without him. He's my other half of me. Hell, we share a brain so neither of us is any good to anyone but each other.  :)

I'm hoping that the job prospects pick back up after the holidays.  Most companies won't hire or interview during this time of the year due to all of the vacations.  It makes on-boarding tough.  I need to really get something going.  I've applied all over and just keep my fingers crossed. We shall see...

Weekend in Smashville

CC and I decided we would spend a long weekend together in Nashville this past weekend.  For once I was driving to the airport to pick him up.  :)  We were able to get to the hotel and check in and still make the game.  It was so good to see him!  I miss him so much when we are apart.


We stopped in the team store to look at the merchandise with the new color scheme.  CC bought me a new t-shirt that was pretty cute and then I posed with the stuffed Gnash outside the store for a photo op before grabbing a beer and heading to our seats.

Isn't Gnash adorable?

Not a conventional photo but at least you can see the detail !

The game was great. VERY exciting! We had a wonderful time.  Beating Detroit always gets a person in a party mood so after the game we decided to take a walk down Broadway and over to a place called The Stage.  I'm not sure the name of the band but they were really good.  The place was packed with happy hockey people!  :)


After a few beers there we decided to head back to the hotel.  It had been a long day for the both of us between all of the driving and traveling by air.


The next day we got up and headed over to Noshville for a tasty breakfast.  They have wonderful food!  (Try the corned beef hash, it's wonderful)!  After that we went shopping.  First, a little something for us (Hustler Hollywood. Don't be a hater), Target and the snooty mall (not sure of the name).  We managed to purchase stuff for us, stuff for the work crowd at Target and CC bought me a very nice sweater at the snooty mall.  CC can only do so much of the shopping thing and to be quite honest I was done really with Christmas so we decided to take in a movie.  We went to see Sherlock Homes, A Game of Shadows.  I love a great matinee.  Popcorn is mandatory! :)


After the movie we headed back to the hotel to unwind a bit before heading out to dinner with Coy and Julie.  They booked reservations at The Palm. It was a steakhouse directly across the street from The Bridgestone.  The food was good and plentiful and the company was great as always.  The evening past fast and before we knew it, it was time to go home.  Not before dessert though..  They have homemade donuts at The Palm served with a chocolate and a raspberry sauce.  They were delicious and too rich to finish.  For once, we actually had a doggie bag!  


Saturday was here before we knew it.  We had a lazy morning and then took off for the Germantown Cafe.  They have the best french onion soup I have ever had.  We both had a bowl of the steaming cheesy soup and split a reuben.  The soup was actually quite filling and I barely was able to eat a few bites of the reuben which was excellent as well.


After brunch, we retired to the hotel to just relax and enjoy each other's company until it was time to go to the game.  We left early to grab a bite to eat and had appetizers and beer at a bar called Bailey's on Broadway.  We had a couple of beers and an appetizer to get us primed for some hockey.  I had decided I wanted to sit in the Cell Block.  (WAY up in the rafters, generally a very rowdy section).  It was really different watching a game from that point of view.  We won!  YAY!  Afterwards we headed home, very pleased with yet another Predator win.


Before I knew it, it was Sunday and time to take my CC back to the airport.  I hate all of the goodbyes we keep having to say to each other.  I can't wait for the day when we can finally be together forever.  We both make do with what we have, knowing it is temporary but as Tom Petty says, "...waiting is the hardest part".

Disappointment Lives in Southern Indiana

Just when I thought things may be evening out, I get smacked in the face with disappointment yet again.  For those of you out there without children, the best advice I can give is to get a dog.  Children are overrated and are a constant source of disappointment.

The Son built another car with major assistance from a friend of mine.  I left on Thursday for Florida and my friend stayed at my home with the Son.  Well, the Son decided to have a major party, 40 + people.  My friend was able to contain the situation but the fact it occurred at all really tends to piss me off.

I have done my best with my Son, I THOUGHT we were beginning to make headway and because of this, I would think I could get a bit of respect.  BUT NOOOOOOO,....  Apparently that is too much to ask.  I will be going home today and will need to sit down with the Son.  I am so tired of this.  If he feels he is beyond raising, I can emancipate him and he can do what he wants.  Anything but come crying to me when he falls on his face.  If he wants to be an adult I can make him one but I am exhausted from trying to take care of him and it is taking its toll.

Daylight's Burning

So.  Here I am sitting in the airport in Birmingham, waiting through a 2+ hour layover before my flight to Tampa.  I have spoke with CC, spoke with the Son, had two beers, then went for coffee (yeah, contradict each other) and now I am sitting here still waiting.  Bonus though, CC said he apparently requested tomorrow and Monday off of work so it will be even more time together.  YAY!

I have a third interview tomorrow with a company in St. Pete.  They are a small, privately owned company which gives me the willys.  This whole interview process I have gone through is almost a clone of a previous experience that did NOT turn out well.  (Apparently I was too "big" company for them and they didn't care for anything I had to say).  I have had IQ and personality tests, hours of interviews etc.  I just don't know about such a small place.  it has been an ordeal to say the least.  I am going tomorrow to see if I still feel the same way before I make a decision.  I have several more irons in the fire so I am not certain moving on something that my gut tells me no is a good idea..

OOPS! I almost forgot..  All of my labs were normal.  They did a passel of them.  So.......  I guess that means that I am just fat and lazy and need to exercise and join the hair club for "people"...

Rainy Days and Mondays Get Me Down

Today is an appropriate day for a Karen Carpenter song. It is a rainy Monday.  VERY rainy Monday.  Saturday was 70 and sunny which is unheard of this time of year.  Sunday and Monday....  Rain, rain, rain and in the 40's.  The weather here is awful and doesn't help to perk up your spirit.

I didn't go to work today.  I generally felt yucky.  I did a lot of cleaning and painting over the weekend and I think all of the chemicals really got to me.  Just a lot of headache, kinda queasy at times and my joints are killing me due to the weather.  I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for today so it worked out for the best.

She agrees that a lot of my issues could potentially be my thyroid.  She has also told me if that isn't the case we do need to do something about my weight.  She says my frame can't handle it and I agree wholeheartedly.  I told her I have been trying to do better with my eating but no matter what I do, I can't seem to shed the weight.  Just a couple of pounds up and down and that is water weight, not real weight.  SOOO...  The lab results should be in tomorrow.  She did a full panel thyroid, vitamin D and a couple other tests.  They took about six vials of blood.  As long as the results don't say "You're getting old, get over it" I'll be fine.  I just need to know what is going on with me.

Thanksgiving

It's relatively early Thanksgiving morning.  I am up, had some coffee and talked with my CC.  I have been downstairs doing some repairs on the basement bathroom.  The Son (like most teenagers) takes extremely long hot showers and after a time, it has caused some mold spots on the ceiling.  As I am trying to sell the house, this definitely needs to be addressed.  There are also some areas on the drywall around the shower that have the paper bubbling up due to water and the shower curtain not properly closed when bathing.  I have sprayed the ceiling again with bleach water and will paint it later with a mold/mildew retardant paint.  I have sanded the areas around the shower and thank goodness the areas were superficial. No patching required, just some spackling, sanding and painting.  The spackling has been applied and I am waiting for all to dry to move on to the next step.  I also repaired one of the holes in the Son's room.  (Yes ANOTHER one).  This one was caused by a stray elbow when rough housing with friends.  IT required a patch but it was a very small hole so not so bad.  I'm not cooking this year as I have chosen to do home improvement instead.  I will probably make chili as the weather isn't very nice.

I do have a lot to be thankful for this year.  I have my health (well at least I'm living).  I have my wonderful CC who is the light and love of my life.  My mother is doing as well as can be expected. (This time last year she was in ICU and on a vent).  My grandmother is doing well also.  The Son and I are on better terms as of late.   I am able to pay the bills and make ends meet.  That is a wonderful thing as well although if this house doesn't sell, things are going to be much leaner. But, all in all, things are going okay.

All signs are pointing to the fact I may get a job offer from the company in St. Petersburg I have been interviewing with.  They requested a 30-60-90 day plan which I have done and they want me to meet the owner on Dec 2 when I am in Clearwater next.  If this comes through, I will need to resign from my position here, find a place for Morgan to stay if his father will not agree to live in this house until he graduates.  If that is the case, I will need to have all of the locks changed and get the house cleaned, etc. and have us all move out and will keep it on the market.  If his father is willing, I will take it off the market for a few months and will pay the mortgage if he will pay the bills on the house.  A lot of things are up in the air.  I just know if I can find other employment paying better than what I am making now, it will help things out tremendously.

All in all, I am very thankful for all of my blessings.  Although the last few months have been trying at best, life is moving on and is looking up.

Houston We Have a Problem. (I think)

Over the last month or so I have been having a lot of changes. Not just what has been going on with the Son, but physically. My hair loss has increased, I'm tired constantly, I can't seem to lose weight, I'm cold a lot (unusual for me) but lately have run hot cold literally. I don't think it's menopause although instead of getting hot occasionally at night which is normal, last night I woke up literally with sweat beading. CRAZY!
I think my thyroid is acting up. I guess I will break down and go to the doctor. All I need is one more bill but I will have to do something. This stuff is driving me nuts

All's Quiet on the Home Front

The past two days have been pretty good as far as my home life is concerned.  The Son has been decent and he is actually home at this hour doing HOMEWORK!  I know he has a paper due on 11/18 and he is probably just starting it but hey, it's a day earlier than normal so I am not complaining.  There are no other kids here and it is very peaceful.  If only there were more days like this.  Maybe it's the weather.  It has been dreary and rainy for the past couple of days with the temperature feeling much colder than the 55 the weather man is touting.  Probably because of all the moisture.  But, if it helps everything stay calm and respectful around here, let it rain all it wants.

I had another telephone interview today with a company based out of San Antonio.  It seemed to go relatively well.  I am hoping for a face to face interview in the next couple of weeks.  I've got my fingers crossed.

Therapy

I flew back to the Ville today from FL.  The Son had a counseling visit scheduled and we went to the visit without incident.

Non-productive is the best I can say for it.  The Son feels forced to go, doesn't participate and quite frankly, still doesn't feel anything is his fault.  I am still a person who doesn't care and his opinion doesn't matter, etc. so on and so forth.

Apparently while the counselor was asking me questions and I respond, something really just ticked him off.  He asked to leave.  He was of course allowed.  After he left I reported we basically tip toe around each other.  I am cursed every time my opinion and thoughts do not mesh with his and basically, controlling him at this juncture is a waste of energy because I can't.  The counselor agreed that the best thing I can do for the remaining few months is to just give him a wide berth.  He also agreed if a person does not seek to improve, therapy really is a waste of time.  HMPH!

What this all boils down to is we all know how the Son is but as the Son doesn't want to work on himself, there is nothing anyone can really do.  At least until he is 18 and I can have him leave the house for the disrespect.  Regardless of how I'm treated, unless I go to court and have him ruled uncontrollable, this is where we are.  I told the counselor there is only so much Lexapro and Klonapin a person can take and the Son is wearing me mighty thin.  I really don't know how much longer this can continue.  He really needs to live with his dad but I know exactly how that will go.  It won't.  So...  Here I am, still counting down the days until he is 18.  I think I have 289 more days.  Give or take a day.  Lord give me strength...

Time Goes By...

I'm not really sure where I've left off.  I know that my world has been pretty hectic and it has been a good three months or so since I have written down any of my thoughts. Not many people visit this site so I don't suppose anyone is feeling too put out or disappointed with my absence.

August
The Son had his 17th birthday.  School started again.  Senior year.  I really hope he doesn't have to repeat it.  He sold the 2007 Mazda and took the money, pocketed some and bought a 1994 Ranger.  I didn't agree with it but it was the one car I was going to buy him and he sold it for more than it booked so I allowed it.  I did tell him, however, I would not carry full coverage insurance on a 1994 Ranger.  At the time he was fine with that and off he went with the truck.

September
He has been tardy more times than I can count from school.  They told him he couldn't drive to school for two weeks.  He was not happy and of course was everyone else's fault but his own.  No matter how hard I try, I just can't get him to see that he brings his woes onto himself.

CC and I, (mostly CC) have been working very hard on the house.  Flooring and paint and new wardrobes were all on the agenda and it is becoming quite beautiful.  I continue to look for acceptable work but it just doesn't seem to be panning out.  I applied at our Humana Cares division only to be passed over by someone else.  No explanation.  They weren't even going to call.  I consider it most unprofessional and feel it was probably in my best interest if they were not going to conform to Humana culture and processes.

October
The first Friday of October, the Son wrecked his truck.  He was on his way home and he rolled the truck twice.  There was no saving it.  He emerged with a couple of scratches.  Didn't even break a nail. There was no one else in the car and he is extremely lucky to be alive.  I instructed him to go to the urgent care and I would meet him there.  I got him signed in and because I was having difficulty believing exactly how the accident happened, he freaked out, began getting angry and wanting to leave.  I left instead and he had to find his own way home.  I didn't see him until late the next night.  By that time I had gone to the impound lot, sold the truck for $300 to a junk yard. That paid the $200 tow bill and I gave him the $100 for the truck Saturday night.
On Sunday he wanted to borrow my car.  I said no.  He said that I didn't trust him.  I said that with all of the disrespect, why should I do him a favor?  I was doing laundry at the time and he pouted, said some things and walked away.  So what he's disgruntled right?  I was putting clothes away in my room.  He came up from the basement with a loaded shotgun under his chin.  He was shouting on how I didn't care about him and I wished he would've died in the accident and he could fix it right then and there.  I called the police.  By the time the police got there I managed to get the gun away and get them and the ammunition loaded in the trunk of my car.  The police agreed that he needed some help and they followed me to the ER.  He made a show of himself in the ER, he tried to leave.  They had security outside the door because he was so loud.  Carrying on about how once he got out I would never see him again.  He didn't want to live with me etc.  He would then change tactics and cry begging me to take him out of there.

They finally came with an ambulance and took him to a treatment center.  He ended up staying for 4 days.  CC and I were due to leave on a cruise so I went.  I needed the break. It was an absolutely wonderful trip.  Even when it rained.  :)  The Son's father came and stayed with him at the house while I was away.  It didn't keep the Son from calling me on the Thursday of my trip accusing me of taking the money from the sale of the truck and MFing and GDing me, calling me a liar, etc.  I texted his dad and told him I wasn't having it.  He had Morgan text me.  "Sorry, I figured it out".  That was what I got.  That was suppose to be okay.  I surely didn't get a call on my birthday or the day after or the day after etc.

Our relationship has been extremely strained and is fraught with disrespect. I love him dearly but I do not like him much at all.  Is that a bad thing for a parent to say?  Sometimes I just wonder where I went wrong. His father, who initially seemed all put out that I would pay someone to stay with the Son while I am out of town, who was snarky about I "assumed he would be working as it was a weekend", doesn't help.  After the initial crisis, basically if Son isn't home the whole time, he sees no point in driving over.  I tried to explain about parties, etc. Of course, because it isn't his house he doesn't give a fuck.

The Son called me at my mother's a couple of weeks ago wanting his guns back.  I told him no because he had been irresponsible with them.  He got mad, cursed me, told me I was stupid, pointing out that the gun wasn't pointed at me it was at him and it was his head and if he wanted to blow it off he would.  WELL, that would really help me change my mind..  NOT.

My mother, who heard the who conversation was of course appalled and is scared to death he is going to kill me in my sleep.  She gets a bit antsy if I don't call her every couple of days to let her know I'm alive.  Of course, Son sees it as me not being about to keep private things private and now he can't get a truck to drive from her and fuck her he won't do a damn thing for her ever again.

I have raised a spoiled entitled brat. He has no sense of personal responsibility so I have failed him as a parent.  He is really going to have a hard time in the world because I did not prepare him for how things are.  No, he shouldn't talk or treat me the way he does, but in the overall scheme of things, I have failed and the lessons I am trying to squeeze in now while I can are going to be extremely painful to the both of us as a result.

Will the Drama Ever Cease?

I have a very disrespectful teenager. The Son feels as if he knows everything and that he runs this house. The things he tries to get away with appalls me. He wants to have his friends in and out. Girls over, in his room, knowing I'm coming home and I'm supposed to be okay with everything. The latest issue is this new kid he is hanging out with. A few years back, he didn't even like him. Now all of a sudden they are inseparable. All the other kids he used to run with have stopped coming around. He and this other boy spend all their time trying to cut school, get high and get laid. It's disgusting. I have told him I do not like this kid and I don't want him here. I don't think that is going to solve the issues I'm having. I'm tired of being treated as if I mean nothing. His dad gets mad, tells the Son off and then I am left with the aftermath. I'm about ready to kick him out. I'm so tired of it all. If CC said to me half the things the Son has said and in earshot of the Son, the son would have gone off. So why he feels its okay for him to do it I have no idea.

Just frustrated and venting. I have about 348 more days to go.

God Gave Me You

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

Hope May Spring Eternal...

Yes, contrary to popular belief I can be a positive person. I do my best to hide that quality about myself. I try to pull it off being mean and pessimistic but I do have some optimism. I think it may be a self preservation tactic but it does exist. It exists regarding the Son.

I know, I know. He hasn't amounted to much of anything and hasn't shown any signs of improvement. It is a hard thing to explain the special weird love a person has for a child but I just can't seem to stop hoping that things will turn around. Realistically, he isn't going to graduate this year. He has yet in the last 4 years attempted to show any desire to achieve, much less over achieve. Summer school here he comes again. But, every year I hope that things will be different. I have yet to see him crack a book, he didn't do his summer reading but yet I am still hopeful he will manage to graduate on time. I must be desperate for something positive but I do this to myself every year.

I upset my CC when I asked him to stop pointing out the obvious and to let me have my hope. My hope is always dashed. I know what he says is true. But because I love my son, every year I hope. I hope I'm not disappointed, I hope he does as he promises. It doesn't happen but at the beginning of every school year I have hope. Unconditional love does that to you. I don't know how to explain it to CC. I wasn't trying to be critical, just trying to explain myself. I agree with everything he says but I cannot help having some hope. Without hope, what does one have? I love the Son. That will never change. You always want the best for your children. Even if you don't like them some of the time, you love them ALL of the time. I have hope, sometime things will be different. Sometime things may change. Sometime he may realize his faults. Sometime he will realize just how much I love him.

I love CC. I have always loved him, even when I didn't realize it. I would do anything in the world for him. I am trying to move before the Son is out of school. It wasn't the original plan but after the first house fell through, CC was ready to move to FL. We kept looking until we found a house that suited us. The Son doesn't feel as if he needs me. I know he does but he shuns me so whatever. I have somewhere for him to stay if I move before he is out of school. I am hoping to sell the house. I want to be with CC. I hope he knows that. I just can't abandon my child regardless of if he thinks he can take care of himself or not. He is still only a child and judging by his behavior will be one long after my responsibility for him legally dissipates. I want to do right by the Son, but I do realize my responsibility for his happiness is coming to an end. He has always been ready to leave the nest (whether he can actually afford to or not). I'm doing my best to balance my life until a job comes through, the house sells, a combination or whatever, Basically, I'm doing my best to hang in there. I just hope everyone understands I am giving it 100% and trying my damnedest to make all involved happy campers.

DIY masters!

It was another weekend of work on the house. CC and I finished installing the flooring in the bedroom and got the bedroom put back together before I had to come to the airport. I know I keep promising pictures but I have been lazy about loading them.

I'm currently sitting in the airport waiting for my plane to take me back up north. I hate leaving. I can't stand waiting to hear about the job I interviewed for. I have left several messages and have sent e-mails and have not had any response. It is very frustrating to not have any idea where we are in the whole process. I need to be here with CC. For both of our sakes. It is so hard being apart. The Son will be staying with his friend Kyle. He has no interest in living in Florida. As it is his senior year, of course he wants to finish there. I can understand that. They are showing the house quite a bit. It showed yesterday and today. I am hopeful I can get someone who isn't three contigencies down the line so we can sell and moved to close. The Son will move in with his friend, I will stay with some friends. What furniture doesn't go with the Son will go into storage for him at a later date and time. At least if I get the job I applied for. If not, I may need to sign a lease on an apartment to get us by until I get a position in Tampa. If the house sells, I may have to look outside the company but I don't really want to do that. I have worked there for so long. I have my retirement, seniority etc. and it is a great place to work. I know I'm rambling but I am so ready to move foward with my life. My life with CC has always been long distance minus the few months spent in Indiana before finding our Florida home. I'm ready for us to be together full time, all the time.

And The Renovation Continues..

I finally made it back home Thursday, the Son and Girlfriend in tow. It has gone relatively smoothly. I can't, however, remember being so ADD when I was young. If I've heard bored once I heard it a dozen times. Friday morning we got up and we all went to the beach. We didn't stay long as the kids were "bored" after a few hours. I don't know if they don't know how to just be with each other or what. There was about 15 minutes of heavy rain which past and they were able to take a wave runner out for 30 minutes but they just couldn't sit still and I guess they don't know how to occupy their time. CC and I are great just sitting and reading and playing a game, drinking a couple of beers etc. but the kids just don't seem to get that. Maybe with time.

Friday night CC and I went to the movies and the kiddos just hung out at the house, stating they were tired. We ordered them a pizza and off we went to see Cowboys and Aliens which is an interesting movie to say the least.

Saturday we woke early, left money for the kids to get lunch and CC and I were off to Ikea to do some heavy duty shopping. (God help us with a clean credit card). We spent 3 hours at Ikea and left quite a bit lighter in the wallet and flooring and wardrobes to be delivered Sunday! Yay! The closet may come together yet! On arriving home, we found the ladder moved in the garage. Apparently, the Son, being as bored as ever, decided climbing the large live oak in the yard sounded like a good idea. After scratching up all exposed skin trying to get started, he went to the garage, took out the ladder and used it to get a start on the tree. I was informed he walked up and down all the long limbs, walked the roof and jumped to the ground. Go figure... Kid gets a death wish when he doesn't even know where to have the ambulance show up should he need one...

Today was filled with activity. I did a bit of housecleaning while CC ran to finish the errands we didn't get to yesterday. The parents came in around 11:30 and Dad helped CC assemble the miter saw table and I hit the pool for an hour with my step mom. The Ikea truck came and everything was unloaded into the living room. We took the kids to the mall for a bit and CC began laying the floor of the infamous closet! We are hoping to get the floor in the closet and the wardrobes assembled tonight. Wish us luck! Pics to come!

Hope In Sight

Today I had an interview for a job based in St. Petersburg. No, it isn't Clearwater but it is a 30-45 minute commute which beats the 1000 miles it would be from. So. Indiana. :)

The interview seemed to go well. I think the varied experience I have coupled with my longevity with the company will help. The hiring director stated she wanted to set me up with a telephonic interview with some of the people I would be directly working with. I should be called sometime next week. I am so thankful this may work. She states she is flexible with where I am working. I did explain my currently "two household" situation and is understanding of the dilemma. I also stated I did not want to work at home more than necessary as I am a "come to the office" kind of person. I think that was helpful. In retrospect there are so many other things I could have told her or said but I have no idea what would have been the highest priority in her eyes at the time. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for good results. Jobs that are financially compatible do not come around often and I hope she picks me!

Bonus Day

Apparently during the night there was a major water main break in downtown. They have subsequently shut down our offices today. I have a full free day I wasn't banking on and don't want to waste it. What to do? There are so many things I think of during the day at work. Things that need to be done or taken care of, things I want to do, things I have to do. Right now my mind is a blank. Go figure... Maybe some coffee will help to jump start it.

Do I Look Like an ATM?

I don't know when I began to resemble an ATM but I have a sinking suspicion it was around the time my son began his teen years. Unlike girls, he doesn't wear me out with clothes, shoes, etc. He could NEVER think so cheaply as that. NOOOOO!!! We have to do it with cars. It's always something. He wrecked the car in May in the school parking lot. We have full coverage on the car so I am out the $1k deductible on that. NOW, last Saturday morning, he backed out of the garage into our turn around which so happened to have his friend's pick up in it. I don't know how fast he was going but it did $2300 damage to the car. I can't file with insurance as I am scared they will drop me. (He only got his license the first of March). We just got the check from the insurance company for the first wreck so now we are having the other fixed. Heck! The car is only worth $7k.... He swears his friend is going to buy it for $8500. He doesn't want the car. When he started driving, I told him he would get one car out of me. He got a well running and maintained late model car that the only thing wrong with it is his driving. He wants to sell it for a cheaper car. Which at this point, I can carry collision only etc. BUT.... I told him since this wasn't what I gave him, tires, oil changes, parts, etc. are all on him. The maintenance on a crappy car isn't on me. Just insurance. He seems set on this. I guess this is the beginning of him learning things the hard way because apparently I don't seem to know anything. I told him he needed to move out while he still knows it all... :)

Miserable...

That is the best way to describe how things are right now. I just got home from a fabulous weekend with CC in our Clearwater home. Leaving is exactly the one thing I did NOT want to do. I am not whole without him. As cliche as some people make think this sounds, we really are two halves of a whole. Anyone who has spent any amount of time with us knows this. My Dad, he says we are like an old married couple. True. It's just that comfort level thing. We complement each other in ways I haven't seen in a couple in a long time. Marriages, relationships, many consider them a pretty disposable thing. I admit, at one time I probably did. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me so many years ago. I am just fortunate that fate has smiled upon me. Lord knows I will not squander the second chance we have been given.

I hate leaving. It is so hard. CC and the girls took me to the airport today. I just hate it. I should be staying but I have obligations here. Right now I really need to unload this house. I still have not sold it. I was really upset when the whole deal fell through at the last minute. We are now back to square one. I was really hoping to have it sold by the time school starts. There is still a bit of time but the clock is ticking. School will start here on August 15. I have an apartment complex I have given a deposit to, I hope I will be moving there before too long. That will be a start. I have a friend that the Son respects that stays here when I am away. I am hoping we can continue this arrangement when we are in the apartment. He is a good friend although at times can seem like a second child. He is 10 years younger than me and doesn't seem to have it all together. Failure to make decisions on his own has allowed others to do it for him and has resulted in a very complicated convoluted life. I try to explain it to him but he just can't seem to take control of things. It is sad. He is a very good parent to his children though and does give the Son some good advice and guidance from time to time which is a good thing.

Other than that, things here are the same. Son knows everything, costs me money every time I turn around. Nothing new on that front. Typical teen. He did manage to get a better job than Tumbleweed. He works at a local full service gas station. He is less than 5 miles from the house and is working 11-6 4 days a week and 6-6 on Saturdays. Thank God he will now be making his own money. I can't afford to be a parent anymore. I gave him a late model car that is very reliable and gets excellent fuel economy when he turned 16. I have informed him this is the one and only car he will get from me. He has now wrecked it twice. Once in May in the school parking lot and once in our driveway (Saturday). The second I will need to pay out of pocket in order to keep insurance. I am scared to death they will drop me and then I don't know what I will do. Son wants to sell the car and by another for 3.5k. He has been informed when that happens, I am no longer responsible for any car bills other than insurance. I have also explained he will be dropped from full coverage to collision. I will explain that once again when he sells it. I figure he needs to learn his lessons the hard way and if this is one of them, then here we go. I know he is spoiled but I refuse to carry on at the detriment of our world. We have a mortgage, bills, etc. I do what I can but he will make this decision with all of the information and it will give him something to learn from. I hope, as always, things work out the way he would like, but life doesn't always work that way and it is time he potentially gets a taste of it.

CC and I, however, will be fine. We have had a couple of issues with the new house. First was the $700 water bill. Two leaky commodes. Who knew in one month you could have a bill for $700 because you supposedly used 37,000 gallons of water? That is over three times the size of our pool! The plumber couldn't find the leak but we finally did and CC changed all of the stuff so they no longer leak. I am going to call the water company in the morning to beg for leniency and hopefully some sort of credit! :)

The other issue, well, it isn't so much an issue as it is the more we live there, the more we decide needs to be fixed. It all is well and good when you look at it but we looked at the house, made an offer and had it accepted in all of a day. So, the more we are there, the more we discover the man there thought he was Mike Holmes (Holmes on Homes, HGTV). BUT, he turned out to be a do it yourselfer who didn't have a clue. SOOOOO... We are having to do a lot of things to fix the previous owner's "home improvements". It will turn out well as CC is as handy as they come. Everything he has done at the house in IN and the one in FL has turned out spectacularly. I couldn't be more pleased. He worries a lot about pleasing me but the reality is he does a fantastic job, knows his limitations and is man enough to say when something is best done by a professional. A girl cannot ask for anymore than that.

This past long weekend was wonderful. I left for FL after work on Thursday. I arrived an hour later than expected due to some inclement weather in Chicago. That equates to 0100. CC had to work the next day. He didn't get to bed until almost 0300. Bless him.. He ended up working a bit late but not by much and arrived home exhausted. He took a bit of a nap and we took off for a bite to eat and a trip into Tampa. IKEA!!! We arrived about 15-20 minutes before closing so our trip was extremely focused. We picked up light bulbs for the lamp we bought on our last excursion. (Note.... For anyone who wants to shop at IKEA, their lamps are "special" and require bulbs you can only buy at their store. Stock up while you are there)... We also bought slats for the bed purchased on our last trip. (Note.... Mattresses made in the US do not have a standard. Therefore, one Queen is not the same always as another. It is a bit narrower than those IKEA has and the mattress will fall through to the floor!). We bought bed slats so we wouldn't end up on the floor in the middle of the night. THAT would be a rude awakening. We came home and put the bed together properly and was able to get a good night's sleep. Poor CC was exhausted.

Saturday came early. I awoke to the sounds of Daisy (our golden) whining. I figured she wanted to go outside. I hurried out of bed so she would stop, (I didn't want to wake CC). By the time I got out of the bed, Daisy had jumped into the bed and had laid down IN MY SPOT!!! I HAVE BEEN JUKED BY A DOG!!!!!! I have never felt so much like Charlie Brown trying to kick a football in all my life! I was a bit put out to say the least and CC woke up. He persuaded Daisy out of the bed and I jumped back in. Apparently I need to revoke my application for "Who is smarter than a 5th grader"... LOL! I just don't seem to fit the bill. ;) We rose early. CC worked on the leaky commodes and I left to return some bedding and run to the grocery. I picked up a few items needed for our cookout the following day and also exchanged some bedding for an alternate. Same color but a tamer pattern. I returned home victorious!!! The new bedding was half of the previous so that made it all the better. Sales always make a girl feel even better!!! I came home and we spent a couple of hours in the pool before leaving for the ballgame. CC bought us tickets to the Tampa Rays vs. St. Louis Cardinals ballgame at Tropicana Field. After a bit of driving around, we found a place to park and went in. I have never been to a game that was indoors. It seemed a bit odd. I have no idea how those fielders saw that baseball. It seemed to vanish in all of the lights. I must say, air-conditioned comfort for a summer ballgame was nice! It did rain a bit while we were inside so a game that would've been a rain out in normal circumstances was able to play out to completion. The Rays won 5 to 1. Boo! Although I suppose had they played someone else we would be shouting YAY!! We do need to get us a Rays t-shirt a piece for when we are watching them play someone other than the Cardinals or the Reds. (That's my team!! :D)

Sunday turned out to be absolutely glorious!!! CC had bought a slab of ribs and we were smoking ribs and hanging by the pool all day! Can you think of anything better? We were up, had our usual coffee and read the paper (Got a great deal for Sundays on Groupon). Then CC fired up the grill. I decided to change and begin the sunning process. CC mowed the backyard and then put on the ribs and joined me. Now don't judge, it's a riding mower and a small yard. He was only 15-20 behind me...
We really enjoyed ourselves. It was a beautiful sunny day in the neighborhood; and, when the sun went in, we just moved from the pool to the jacuzzi! ;) We had put a more than decent dent in our beer supply when the ribs were ready. Boy were they good! We had grilled corn and baked beans as sides for the wonderful ribs. CC really outdoes himself when we cook out. During the morning and then after the grilling and swimming we managed to hang all of the artwork in the house. It was a feat. Not that we have that much but when you try to make old things fit in with new things and a new house, it can be tricky. You also need to decide what needs to just be placed in storage or just what needs to leave the house. It was a big undertaking but I think we did a really good job of combining the art of two households.

Monday came a lot faster than either of us wanted. I hate leaving. I can't wait until I am moving there for good. I have a son that needs to finish school. I have a house that needs to be sold and I need to find a job that can give me some of the flexibility I need to make all of this work until my permanent move date. It's a tall order but I am making strides. I had a positive preliminary interview on Thursday. I really hope it works out. The recruiter said that the hiring manager will be willing to work with me on it so I am hopeful at this point. I just hate being away from CC. Two weeks is about the max I can stand it. This last three weeks seemed like three months. Right now my next trip isn't scheduled until the first weeks of August. UGH!!!! I don't know how I will make it until then but I know I must hold on.

The Son and the GF are accompanying me on my next visit. I have a friend with a car service that will pick us up and take us to the airport as CC will be working. The GF's mom will take us to and pick us up at SDF. So, all in all, transportation is taken care of. As long as the Son can behave and all drama avoided...... I pray for this at night!

Miss Dismissed

Monday morning I spoke with my boss regarding my desire to flex some of my work time a few days a month. I requested the ability to work from the house so that I could spend some time in Florida. I would not be missing any time away from the office and would be in the office 4 days a week. She stated her boss would not go for it and really didn't say much else.

So, today I put together an e-mail, circling the topic back around. I stated my case, where we are with the contract etc. and that as I am dedicated, and have made the department quite successful, I wanted to see if my plan could be given some consideration and a trial period. I included a calendar of what a typical month would be like. I stated what I would be able to do to help the department with the transition to the new contact and be able to mentor someone to do the things that I do etc. It was a well put together e-mail and I had even had another director look at it. They felt that I had a compelling argument for what I wanted.

I was totally dismissed. I mean no consideration, nothing. All my boss did was reply to me "sent it to _______ (her boss). She didn't pick up the phone, vouch for me, given an opinion, nothing. The e-mail I received this afternoon was what she had exchanged with her boss. When she forwarded my e-mail all it said was "What do you think?" The reply? "This is a full time in house position". DUH! That particular statement was my second sentence in the whole thing. I acknowledged that from the beginning. My boss then forwarded all of that to me stating, "FYI. We have been told consistently all managers and directors need to be full time in house." THEN she said, "Do what you need to do but give me as much notice as possible". Period, end of story. I didn't know if I would get a yes or no, but the five years of work running this department, excellent reviews, bonuses, awards, etc. were totally discounted like a child who wanted dessert before dinner. I feel betrayed by a boss who has always told me how much she valued me and how much work I have taken from her shoulders. (Which by the way is exactly where this entire department will be landing). She wants notice? She can't even have a conversation and be an advocate for me but wants me to give her notice? She will get all the internal reference checks. That will be her notice. I find it difficult to believe that bending to accommodate someone on a short term basis far too much trouble than totally sending away an employee such as myself. It is not the company philosophy that is for sure. There are many other departments that do exactly what I am asking and I cannot even get a few minutes of someone's time. So... I am totally disenchanted. I will be seeking some sort of advice from HR in the morning. One, to verify that I am not being unreasonable and two, to see what I can do in order to find another position within the company.. One where I might be valuable enough for at least a conversation.

I'm Awake!

For anyone who really knows me, the fact that I am awake at 11:30pm EDT is some sort of record. I am the sleepiest person I know. I can sleep propped up in a corner. Basically if I am still for longer than two minutes I could probably catch a few z's... This Predisone I have been on for the poison oak I contracted is really kicking my butt. I am wide awake at hours I generally never see, and I eat so much that you would think I am training for some sort of competitive eating competition. It's actually quite disgusting. I have had some sort of obsession with food over the past two weeks and I am sick of it. Thank God the last dose of the medicine is tomorrow morning. I can't stand eating like this and I have no way to control the urge. I had little will power with food to begin with and all bets are off on this medication.

I talked with my boss about the potential of telecommuting a few days a month. She was less than encouraging. I am refusing to take no as an answer without some sort of valid, rational reason why even a trial basis cannot be considered. I will take it as far as I can. If I get no where, then I guess I post out. Then they are stuck with all of the work. I don't know how the transition would go smoothly without someone who knows what is going on but if I can't get someone to at least give this a trial run, I will be forced to make a more drastic decision. I hate to do it while we have the two mortgages but I will do what I have to do. The boss is suppose to talk with her boss about it all. (I reminded her I do not report to him, I report to her). We shall see.

Southwest airlines is having a killer sale for it's 40th anniversary that ends on Thursday. I really want some of those tickets. I will probably plan out a scenario calendar for the boss and show how I envision it all working. And then buy tickets regardless. LOL! The company isn't on the hook for anything except a friday monday working from florida instead of from Louisville. How can that be so bad?

Government Work

A lot of people have a lot to say about government work. I happen to work for a contractor. It's a great job and I like it a lot. We have been in option periods on our contract for a few years now. We have been in a contracting phase and we have retained our contract so that is great news. That means we get to work for another 5 years or so, at least until the next contract comes around. Say what you will, working under a contract is more of a work guarantee than anything else you can come by.

With all of that said, that leaves me with a need to get some clarity surrounding work. If you have regularly read this blog, you know that currently I have houses in two places, with my CC in our Florida home and the Son and I here in Indiana for the time being. I would love to keep my job but it will take convincing of the powers that be to allow me to at least telecommute part time. I don't mind paying the money, I don't mind the travel. I still have to get my son through school for another year and I am a rare person that actually finds her job enjoyable and is quite good at it. Conservative parties may not agree with the "work from home" thing only because it is new and our company is slow to move around. Half of my staff telecommute at this time. I personally do not see a reason why I cannot do it part time at least for a while. I guess it will all depend on where they want to go with me and this position. I will be chatting with my boss next week after we get some direction on moving forward with our new contract. At that time, I guess a decision will be made as to my fate.

And Time Marches On... So Slowly....

Here I am, another day in Indiana. Showed the house again today. It's like the third time this week. Not much to keep up for a showing considering most of our stuff is in Florida. I can't stand the fact we are starting all over with all of this. It really is quite frustrating. Although the summer is flying by (and I'm here), the time between visits with CC is DRAGGING!!!! I mean there is not enough to keep me busy to try to make the time go by faster. I go to bed early, I get up early so that I can work more. There is nothing to do here so time at home drags. I read, I try to watch some t.v. but the time just drags on... I am not scheduled for another flight until 6/30. It seemed right at the time. Now, there is just WAAAY too much time between visits. We are hoping the GAO will pass some sort of judgement on our contract this week. It will help where the work situation is concerned. I will be speaking with the boss about working from home at least one week a month. That will be a start until we can determine what can be done about my job. Lord knows I can't do too much about it until I can unload this house. Too much money going out to make too big of financial changes. All of this is just killing me. I miss CC so much. I know it will all work out in the end but getting there is really rough. I need to be with him. Sorry, just whining....

The Weeds Fight Back

Measles make you bumpy
And mumps'll make you lumpy
And chicken pox'll make you jump and twitch

A common cold'll fool ya
And whooping cough can cool ya
But poison ivy, Lord'll make you itch...


Unfortunately there isn't a song about poison oak.... I have a raging case of it and although the song Poison Ivy isn't about the plant, there are a few lyrics that are appropriate.

Saturday I pulled a bunch of it under my pine trees by the driveway at the house in IN as now they have backed out on buying it and all the landscaping needs to be tended to NOW THAT ALL MY EQUIPMENT IS IN FLORIDA! UGH! By Monday morning I was itching and by this morning my face neck ears chest and arms were covered and red and swollen. I ended up in urgent care getting a prednisone shot, a dex pack and vistaril. Stuff affects me worse every year. CC told me to stay out of it, next time it might require an epi pen. I hope he is wrong. I would post a picture but how embarrassing would that be... Scar you for life!

Here We Go!

It's been a while since I've blogged. It has been a whirlwind around here. CC has been living in and working on our new home while I have been trying to pack up our old one. It's a bit tricky as I will be making two moves. The big move to Florida and the other to an apartment close by. The Son is still in school and I am still employed here so for now we are doing our best to muddle through.

They came and loaded the truck this morning. I was sweating bullets. The quote they gave me was for a 24ft truck. I really had no idea what one could hold and did my best to keep it to that size. It all fit! Not much else would though so I guess I did that right. There were 5 guys and they had the whole thing done down to the tractor in 1.5-2 hours. Pretty good considering the size of this house. Grant it there was a bit of stuff staying but this house is pretty big so I was scared...

With that worry out of the way, I have moved on to trying to pay a couple of bills as today was payday. I didn't want that hanging over my head and since I forgot to pay one last month (I lost it to be honest in all the shuffle), I figured I should take advantage of the bit of down time I have before my flight. I logged onto my bank's website and OMG!!!!! No check. Not in ANY of my accounts. I recently requested my deposit change banks. It wasn't in either account. Ok, anxiety attack, 0-panic in 2.2 seconds. Hello... We all need our money.... I called our HR help desk and found out they cut me a live check and mailed it. WHEW!!! Crisis averted. It should be waiting for me when I get home to FL. That sounds funny. Home to Florida.

Yesterday I stopped at the apartment complex where I have been waiting for a unit. They called the day prior and my appt was for right after work. The Son met me there so we could take a look. WELL.. Apparently, someone brought in a deposit 30 minutes prior, even though I had an appt. so basically, first come, first serve. You snooze, you lose; yada yada yada. I was NOT a happy camper at that point. They showed me a 2BR 2BA. That is more than I was really wanting to go for but I will have to live somewhere and time is running short. They will give me a credit so it will only be a bit more than the original apartment I wanted. I had to give them a deposit so that they will hold the next apartment for me. THEY WANTED A MONEY ORDER!!!!! I think I have only gotten one of those one time. I had to ask where you get them. What a PITA!!!!! Thank goodness it is not how you have to pay your rent, just the deposit. If not, I would just live in an extended stay and say forget it!

This seems to be running pretty smooth thus far. I'm pretty excited. I have never lived out of the area. I've summered at Dad's, Did one semester at a college a couple of hours away but I have always lived here. I wonder if Clearwater is ready for me?

Tired...

I'm tired. Tired of all of the crap I have to deal with every day. The Son is wearing me out. I'm tired of being taken for granted and I'm tired of having to pick up all the pieces (and pay for them). I know that I have caused the majority of the problems due to the fact I have always spoiled and indulged him. He used to be a much better child toward me. It was an easy thing to do. Now that he is older and "knows everything", it is totally different. The latest string of issues started at the end of April.

The Son was stopped at about 10pm with friends in the car. As his license is still restricted (He just received in March), he isn't suppose to have others in the car with him. Well, he crossed the center line a couple of times which got the officer's attention. Then when the Son rolled down the window, the officer smelled pot. Couldn't find the pot but found a pipe. He received a citation for crossing the center line (125.50) and I got a phone call about the fact his phone was in his lap (suspected texting and driving), what the officer found etc. This was a Monday night. Then Friday night at 1am, I receive a phone call from Morgan and a police officer. The Son had gone to a party that had been busted. He was visibly sleeping in the car and the cop gave him a breathalyzer. I had to go and pick him up and then find someone who could go back with me to get the car as it was going to be towed. One of Son's friends helped me retrieve the car. We have a meeting at the county probation office and will probably end up in court. He was charged with underage consumption. The week after that he was suspended from school for one day because he did not park in the designated student parking and then they found cigarettes in his car. A week later he wrecked the car in the school parking lot. He should've been patient but apparently forced himself out of his spot into the linen of cars trying to leave at the end of the day. The whole back passenger door is crunched as well as the back quarterpanel.

All of this stresses me out. I have begun smoking again and I don't like the fact that I have. I am trying to pack this house for the moves and although I did not expect him to be much help, I at least was hoping he wouldn't hinder me. I am still working on a wall in the basement he punched when he was mad at his girlfriend. I have 465 more days (give or take) until he turns 18. And although I know he will still need support from me, at least he can begin fixing his own messes. He wants to move out just as soon as he possibly can. It would probably be best. Even if to let him see just how good he has it.

Can You Say... Cardboard?

Life continues to be a whirlwind here. My son, well, a ticket and two calls from police officers in one week, two different incidents. Meeting with probation and court is on the way. I don't even want to think about that now. (That will be a conversation for another day). No right now, life centers on - cardboard.

Cardboard boxes that is. The need for cardboard, tape for cardboard, packing cardboard, stacking cardboard, purchasing more cardboard... I have been packing hot and heavy and it seems the amount of stuff needing packing continues to exceed my supply of cardboard boxes. Packing is only the half of it. As I will have to spend some time in an apartment, I have to divide my household decor, furniture, dishes, my clothes etc. in two. It makes packing ever so much more difficult. Constant decisions to be made. AND, as we are still living here until 5/27, the decision making multiplies. Besides what goes to which state, there is a timing issue to the packing. What can be packed at three weeks, two weeks, etc. Maybe that is why I haven't been feeling so well lately. I have overworked my brain.

Seriously though, I have been having headaches, nausea, malaise.. Generally just feeling kinda yucky off and on for about the last week or so. Strangely enough, it seems to have started around the time of CC's departure to Florida. I told him I'm love sick. :) Some days are better than others. Yesterday was fine until about 3-4 in the afternoon. Then I felt really hot, similar to when you get out of the tanning bed, hot from the inside out and all of the other symptoms hit. I never got right after that.

I miss CC terribly. The packing actually is a blessing as it keeps me busy. It makes the time pass by until I can be with him again. I go to bed early because I know when I wake, I will be one day closer to seeing him. We really are two peas in a pod, two halves of a whole. Life just isn't the same without him here. I know all of this is temporary but it doesn't make it any easier. I don't like being away from him at all. Heck, the team at work notices his absence. Apparently I wear it like a sign for all to see. I'm just not right without him. I leave on Friday to take the dogs down to our new home and CC and I will get to spend our first night together in our new home. I'm very excited! I can't wait to see him. I think this is the first time in my life I have ever looked forward to a 14 hour drive.